Your vampires sparkle, my vampires still have a bit of dirt under their nails.
Your zombies are athletic sprinters, my zombies are slow and lumbering.
It’s probably just an age thing. I prefer my vampires to be named things like Count Orlock and crawl into a grave at dawn. You prefer your vampires to be Calvin Klein models and have fancy bachelor pads. Okay, we can agree to disagree. I’m even beginning to come around to your version of zombies. I will always prefer my zombies to be more Romero in styling but I’ve got to agree that, political statements aside, sprinting zombies make better movies.
What brought on the sudden change of heart? Why am I no longer dead set against changes in my movie monster stereotypes? I decided I had to stop poking fun at the Twilight vampires when I saw the last few minutes of an old John Hughes movie on television the other day.
Edward Cullen is nothing more than the vampiric incarnation of Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles! That’s why no one has seen him since 1984, he’s become a vampire and is now coming out to be the Jr. High crush of the daughters of all the same girls he infected years ago!
Google it if you don’t believe me. They are identical except for the 80’s style clothing. The dark, handsome, brooding character played by a wooden actor… (does Anakin Skywalker fit in here too?) Anyway, he traded in leaning up against the Porsche for leaning against his Volvo. John Hughes created a monster and we have renamed him Edward…
I had two posts written up for today. I deleted one of them because there was no good way to say what I wanted. In face to face communications it would have been difficult to get the intonation right, in e-comm it would have been impossible.
The second post was a rewrite of the original, leaving out the parts that were hard to explain. It was about 75% completed when John and I went to lunch and I figured I’d post it when I get back.
Instead, I have to tell you what I heard at lunch today…
It’s a small family restaurant in Folkston, Ga. We sat down just about the same time the three guys at the next table sat down. They were loud and tried their best to look important. I imagine they were car salesmen or something. They made a big production about saying the blessing before the meal using their loud commanding voice to make sure everyone in the room took note. That’s just how it started. Then they went on and on about some crap that just sounded like talking just to hear themselves talk. Then they got on to the subject of St. Patrick’s Day. There was a lot of bullshit floating around and John knew to distract me before I leaned over and got involved in the conversation. Among all the crap about politics and religion I heard the following gem:
“To truly be Irish, you have to be Catholic.”
We had just finished our meal and I looked over at John and gave the signal, “Let’s get the fuck out of here…”
JUST as things were starting to look like they’d be alright. I mean within days of finally seeing the sunlight after a year of financial doom/gloom… WTF!? This really just happened to me! I’m breaking down the conversations into my own language but overall, I think I just got fucked.
[September; Still adjusting to the severe decrease in pay. Struggling with the bills but not falling behind yet. Receive package from bank]
“Hey there Mr. Morgan. We know times are tough and we see that you were a couple days late on a few payments this year. As part of the financial restructuring process all of America is going through, we’d like to offer you the chance to apply for some assistance with your mortgage payments.”
[Application sent]
“Well it looks like you qualify for six months of lowered payments. Here is a payment schedule. You’ll be making just over half of your normal mortgage payment until February and then we’ll talk again to see if you’re back on track or if maybe we need to extend this program.”
[Shocked, amazed that the system is working in my favor for once.]
[All six payments made on time. The six month breather really helped. I call them before the March payment to resume the normal payment.]
“Okay Mr. Morgan, we’ll look at the system here. You may qualify for further assistance. May I ask your Age, Sex and Race?”
[Information given]
“I’m sorry, you are ineligible for any further programs and the full amount is now past due.”
[Questions asked, concerns raised, clarification requested]
“Yes sir, the outstanding balance of what you were not paying during the six months is now due in full. Will you be paying that online today?”
[Please explain this to me as if I were six years old...]
“Imagine you bought a toy from me and you were paying me $10 a month and suddenly I offered to let you pay $5 a month for half a year. Now the half a year is up and in addition to this month’s regular $10 payment, I want the other $30 you thought was going to get tacked on to the end and I want it right now.”
[Yet more questions asked, amazement expressed, no recommendations given. Dumbstruck.]
“Will you be making that payment right now?”
I don’t get it. Were they just teasing me? We’re they trying to postpone what they thought was inevitable? We were making our house payments before we bought groceries! They throw us a rope and tell us we can relax for a few months to catch our breath but then they expect all that money to magically appear as if we had been paying it all along? What was the point of this whole thing then? If I was supposed to pay them the $5 but put the other $5 aside every month so I’d have the $30 at the end of the six months, how was this supposed to help us in any way whatsoever? If they thought we were having trouble coming up with the $10 every month, how the hell do they imagine we’d come up with $30? If We had $30, we’d have no problem paying the $10!
So I tell the guy that no, we will not be making the payment in full. In fact, we’re not even paying this months payment because I’ll need it as a security deposit on an apartment if they’re taking the house! Teresa steps in and tells me to calm down. She makes the payment and we’re done with the guy on the phone. Turns out this was a third party that works for the bank and can’t do shit other than tell me I’m out of luck because I’m a 30-something white man and then try to scare me into paying more than I can afford. Monday the bank will call and we’ll talk to them. We’ll go back to paying the regular $10 and the $30 outstanding balance will be dealt with and we’ll be just fine.
And if not… Well I was really burning up with the “what if not’s” going through my head but in the end I came out feeling fine. Teresa had it right all along. Calm down, relax. We’ll deal with it best we can and if that’s not good enough, we’ll do something else. She’s under a lot of stress and ready to explode with everything else going on in our lives but for this one moment, she was the one with the cool head. I like her…
But as calm as I’m trying to be, I STILL don’t understand how the hell this whole thing was anything but an exercise in trying to get us INTO trouble instead of out of trouble. I just don’t get the point of delaying a payment if it’s not going to get moved to the end of the loan. If it’s sitting there waiting to get paid, why not just fucking pay it in full the whole time? Why cut it in half and tell me the other half can wait for a little while?
I guess I should just be happy the guy on the phone didn’t tell me the vig was running and that he’s worried some unforeseen tragedy might befall me and my as yet unbroken legs…
There are movies that should never be remade.
There are movies that can never be remade.
“Blazing Saddles” is at the top of both lists.