Relax, I’m not going postal (today)

Here we are, made it to the end of the week.  I posted on my FaceBook status that I was going to rest today and just post a simple picture of a baby duck or a kitten.  Well I found a picture of a duck WITH a kitten!  But I can’t load it to the website because I guess there’s still some issue with the recent server down time…

So instead of a quiet Friday with fuzzy animals and a peaceful sigh of relief, there are some of you that are urging me on to rant once again and close out the week with a bang.

I got nothing.  Really.  I’m out.

I tried to come up with something to bitch about but really, I can’t create these rants.  They grow organically within me and I just spit them out when they’re ready.  If I tried to scream about something now it would ring hollow and empty.  Sorry to disappoint but I’m pretty happy right now.  And when I’m happy, nothing gets written.  I think that’s the reason I don’t smoke pot.  I create my own euphoria by screaming and ranting and bitching until I’ve burned off all the rocket fuel and then I fall back into a mellow, light-headed coma and float around for a few days…

Since I can’t leave you with a kitty petting a duckie, I will drop this short list of “on-line” people that need to be dealt with when I return from orbit.  These people are fucking up my morning already and I haven’t even gotten started yet.  Many of these people are blissfully ignorant of their offenses, they just need to be re-educated on how I want the world to work.

• People who don’t know how (or refuse) to remove that “Sent from my Blackberry (or iPhone)” message at the bottom of your e-mails.  When I was issued a Blackberry at work it was the VERY first thing I did.  The message is cute the first time, annoying the second time and beyond that it serves as a target for ridicule and scorn.  You are either a techtard that can’t turn it off or you don’t want to turn it off and that just tells me everything I need to know about you…

• People that can’t trim a god-damned message on a forum board.  I listen to a lot of podcasts and most of them have forums.  I sign up and then I never return.  I can’t deal with people that respond with “LOL” to a 750 word post and leave the original post intact.  Then you’ll get ten to twenty more people responding to the “LOL” post and THEY leave the original post intact as well.  It clutters the forum and I don’t have the patience required to sift through the static to find anything meaningful.  This has no reflection on the importance of the message, it could be a critical missive from central command with my next assignment; if it’s on a message board surrounded by LOL, ROTFL, etc… I’m skipping it.

• As long as I’m on it, fuck all you people that respond to ANYTHING with “LOL”.

• Twit-tards.  The recent influx of Twitter users has diluted the system.  It was never anything “great” it was just a silly way to goof off and share some impulsive messages with people.  I joined it to follow some of the authors and podcasters I like.  I could see what they were up to and share ideas and creative influences.  Sometimes it was interesting and cool, sometimes it was something as silly as a grocery shopping list.  But it was always helpful or fun.  Now you’ve got every screaming monkey out there blasting messages at anyone who will listen.  It’s kind of like when you have a very funny inside joke amongst two or three of you.  You repeat the punch-line and you all laugh…  A few more close friends hear the line and you explain the joke to them and even though they weren’t there when it happened, it’s still a funny laugh for eight to ten people.  Then you hear your inside joke punch-line said (incorrectly) by someone you’ve never met…  Yeah, it’s run its course, it’s over.

• People that take FaceBook apps/quizzes seriously.  Really, when a four question quiz classifies you as “this” or “that”, how can you think it got it right or wrong? And some of these quizzes are just fucking stupid.  “What kind of tree are you?”, “What mixed drink are you?”, “What kind of racing car are you?”  Posting about how you “can’t believe the results” is just astounding to me.  I know many of you are educated people, how can you be amazed that only .27% of the world shares your birthday?  I waste too much of my time as it is, I don’t need to be amazed that after answering three questions (one of which asks what color shirt I usually wear) the app says that my inner super-villian is Darth Vader.

So that’s it.  I thought the tank was empty but I managed to ignite a couple of fumes.  There’s always room for more rants I guess.  Don’t take life too seriously and make sure you have fun along the way.  I’ll see you cats on Monday…

PS: The first one of you smart-asses who comments on this with a “LOL” and a full quote of the entire post behind it gets shot through the heart with a spear gun, dipped in petrol and lit on fire.  When the fire is about to consume you, you’ll get dropped into the ocean to extinguish the flames and fed to the sharks.  The sharks will be harvested and your charred and dismembered corpse will be exhumed from their bellies.  Then I will dine on your flesh…  So really, it’s a funny thought, but DON’T DO IT!