Death hounds

I got called back in to work last night so I never got the rest of that audio cut down.  I’ll finish it this weekend and I’ll have it up here on Monday.

But that means I have a Friday with no post…  What ever shall I pontificate upon?  Is there anything interesting going on in the news this week?  Well, how about all you sick crazy fuckers out there that are obsessed with death?  You say I’M the sick one, you say I’M the one who has a morbid fascination with death… but within seconds of the announcement of the latest celebrity death, Tweetdeck EXPLODES with ten thousand tweets about how people are “shocked”, “devastated”, “hurt”…

A few problems here.

First, did ANY of you really think you were announcing anything new?  Why do we need every single person out in the webosphere posting “breaking news”?  I need a vacation from the net, especially from the social networking sites.

Second, “shocked”?  Really?  Out of the recent four deaths, two were in severe failing health and the third may or may not have been, we don’t know what goes on behind those gates.  But shocked?  No, you honestly can’t say you were shocked.  When a “clean living” young celebrity in relative good health dies, I won’t get upset when people say they are shocked.  But Carradine was already in his 70′s, McMahon and Fawcett have been dying for a couple of years now and Jackson…  well we just don’t know what his story is.  I don’t know and I don’t care and I’m pissed off at all you people for making me think about him for more than three seconds.

Third, “devastated and hurt”?  Fuck you.  You can be devastated and hurt when a loved one dies.  You can be devastated and hurt when a close family member dies (loved or not).  But to be devastated and hurt when a celebrity dies just indicates to me that your emotional compass is out of whack.

The local news interview people at a Best Buy last night.  The store was playing Jackson’s music all day and they sold out of all his CDs.  There was one woman who claimed to be his biggest fan (largest fan maybe…)  She was “devastated and hurt” by his death and she was buying all his CDs to remember him by.  Well, if you claim to be a big fan, shouldn’t you already have his music?

I have no particular interest in this latest death.  There are a thousand ways I could make fun (Clergy molestation humor, blowing Bubbles…), but my only real reaction was, “huh, I guess he’s dead.  Oh well.”  A singer’s death doesn’t affect me.  I don’t give a shit.  It only means that he won’t be putting out any new CDs (unless his name is TuPac).  An actor, a singer, any celebrity…  unless you know them personally, why would you invest so much emotion into a one-way street?  They don’t love YOU back!  They love the audience, they love the adulation, they love their “fans” but when Paul Stanley is on stage and he points in your general direction and says, “I love YOU!”, he doesn’t mean you.  And even if he did, he doesn’t even know you, what kind of a relationship would you have with a person who claims to love you but doesn’t remember your birthday?

My only real “memory” of Michael Jackson is taking an ass-beating at a family picnic because my sister left her brand new “Thriller” LP lying in the grass next to her.  I was riding my bike and when I saw it I ran it over.  And then I did another lap and I ran it over again.  And again.  When that didn’t do anything I wheelied and brought my tire down hard on the record.  Finally I waited until my back tire was on the record and I slammed on the brake dragging the record on to the sidewalk and scuffing up the cover.  When my dad yelled at me I claimed it was an accident.  I was kind of an asshole as an older brother…  Sorry Tammy.

Now hopefully you’ve all re-evaluated your “shock” levels and we’ve all learned something here today.  The next test will come soon enough.  I don’t want to hear about how “shocked” you all are when Patrick Swayze or Ted Kennedy dies.  Basically, if the top 40 players of the Celebrity Death Pool ALL have your name on their lists, no one can be shocked when you die.

You know Swayze’s going to die next week and I’ll feel like a dick for posting this but it will only prove my point.  He’s been very sick, he’s been suffering.  We all knew he was going.  Shock shouldn’t be a word used to describe his death.  Sad maybe, but not shocked, not devastated.