Crazy weekends

What a wonderful but crazy weekend we had! First we have Friday’s storm that left us glued to the television set. I had a Girl Scout goal setting meeting scheduled at 7pm down at Jacksonville Beach and I was just a little concerned about going over the Dames Point when I heard the Hart Bridge was closed due to tornadoes. Luckily, our side of town only had a bit of rain and wind – nothing crazy.

So, I get to my meeting at the beach, we all head into the site and the room is disgustingly hot. Temperature reading is 103 in the room. They hit the A/C and we sit down to work. At 11:30 that evening, it’s only down to 88 degrees. GOD, it was HOT! Tempers were boiling, and I don’t know if it was due to the heat in the room or the heat in everyone’s blood. UGH! It was a great meeting though and I headed home at 11:30, with the understanding I had to head back for part 2 of our meeting Saturday morning by 9am. Saturday’s meeting went smooth… There were only 5 of us in attendance – I HATE THAT! Why do they all never show up? Especially when this meeting was scheduled for over 2 months???? UGH! How can we get stuff accomplished when only ¼ of the group shows up at the meetings. Drives me nuts! Of course, my co-leader didn’t attend so guess what??? I opened my mouth again too many times. For the 2009-2010 school year, I am not just a Leader of a Girl Scout troop. My jobs are: Leader of troop, Coach of 5 troops, Secretary of the Service Team and Service Unit, manager of our Website, and Co-Chair of 2 Service Unit events. PLEASE someone TAPE MY MOUTH SHUT!

Anyway, after the meeting, I had enough time to get home, prepare the snacks for poker night and pick my sister up from work. Poker night seemed to be an awesome success and I’m working on figuring out our schedule for July to set up the next game. It may have to be a Friday night event because just about all my Saturday’s are filled with crap already. Hopefully, it being on a Friday night won’t cause us to lose any of our existing players. We finally went to bed around 3am and woke up at 11:30 Sunday (GASP!) We had a birthday party at 2 in St. Augustine so needless to say, we were running around like crazy trying to get ready so we were on time. We made it and were only a few minutes late. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Adrienne!!!!! The party was great, their new house is absolutely beautiful – the master bath is AMAZING!! It was great being out and seeing old friends again. It makes me realize how much I’ve missed them while hiding out in our cave week after week, month after month. We’ve promised ourselves to start socializing more so hopefully we’ll stick to that. We can’t make the July 4^th social, but we’re planning on the August 1^st social!!!

Got home Sunday after the party and dinner and I just… crashed. I hit my bed, fell face down and passed out for 2 hours! God, I was exhausted. Becca invited Julia over and they were sweet enough to leave me alone for the night. They spent the night goofing off making their next “Becca & Julia” show for You-tube. Luna wasn’t too happy about it because she was one of the “props”. Poor thing, she kept trying to hide behind me but every time Becca noticed she disappeared, she’d come looking for her. I told Luna repeatedly, that if she’d just learn to BITE Becca, Becca would take the hint and leave her alone.. Luna just doesn’t get it. Becca treats that dog like a favorite stuffed animal, and Luna lets her torture her. Dopey dog! It’s neat the way they play together. Becca can do anything to that poor dog and Luna lets her. I hope she stays calm like that when she gets older, hope she never gets that urge to snap at people when they annoy her… like Pagan.. or should I say, like most dogs?

I had an epiphany last night and boy was it an eye opener. It was one of those invisible punches to the solar plexus and WOW, did it knock me back a step or two. I swear I even felt my mom reach down from the heaven’s to slap me upside the head!!! Doctor’s orders for me last year were… Lose weight, Cut down on the “white” stuff (flour, sugar, rice, potatoes etc) and NO alcohol. I’ve got some serious issues with the liver and some other issues with my stomach. This was with the comment that if I didn’t listen to the doctor, within a year and a half I could have some serious/critical issues. We’ll me being me, I’ve not listened to a word she’s said. I keep “trying” to lose weight but we’ll the white stuff, the junk food and the emotional eating just keeps me fat. I’ve seriously cut down on my drinking, I’ve only done it maybe 3 times in the past year and nothing seriously heavy..but I’ve probably increased my soda drinking to compensate my no tequila (GRIN) So, yesterday on the way to our Birthday party, we were in the car talking about losing weight and stuff and me and my margarita’s and my constant supply of heartburn pills and Becca says, “ Will you ever be allowed to drink Margarita’s like you used to?” Now, I’m not a crazy drinker but when Becca was growing up, we’d go once month to my favorite Mexican restaurant (CAMPECHE) and we’d sit there for hours eating chips while I had my fill of Margarita’s. Ah, those were the days, but anyway..Will I ever be able to do that again?? Well, my comment to Becca was…”Yeah, if I ever lose this weight.” Becca then asks, “Will your liver ever be okay again?” And my off handed comment was, “Yeah, if I ever listen to the doctor, lose this weight and take my pills, my liver will heal itself.” I wasn’t being sarcastic, it was just one of those, eh, whatever moment. Knowing, that I’ll NEVER lose weight because I just can’t seem to stop my hand from shoveling food in my mouth. If I’m gonna die, why not die happy right? Becca dropped the subject then and went back to her iPod. I went back to looking at the scenery.

Now on to my epihany…I started to feel ill at the party. I don’t know if it was from 3 days of excessive heat, standing on my feet for 3 days and the lack of sleep, or it being from the foods I ate for the past 3 days that I know I’m not supposed to have or the heart burn that was eating away at my esophagus but on the way home from the party, I had my head back and eyes closed. Chris was playing his music and surprisingly some of my songs were actually hitting the play list. One of our favorite songs came on and Chris turned up the volume and started singing. The song is not only a favorite song of both Chris and I but also one of my parent’s favorites. It’s “You never even called me by my name” by David Allen Coe and friends. It’s a cute song and we always hike up the volume and sing along. Chris complained that I wasn’t singing so I half heartedly started to sing along. While I was singing the song, my mind wandered and I remembered my mom, turning up the volume and singing along with the song. Jerry and I in the back seat of the car cracking up because mom loved to sing but couldn’t carry a tune and I thought to myself, that I’ll never be able to hear her or see her act crazy and sing this dumb song ever again. Of course, it’s been 7 years since I’ve seen her sing this song but still, it was a cute little memory and sad too. But, when I finished that memory, I lost my breath and suddenly got angry and then shocked. I remembered talking with my mom one day after she went to the doctor’s for a check up and they had her have X-ray’s on her lungs. She swore she was fine but that the doctor’s wanted her to quit smoking because they were a “little” concerned. She could quit if she wanted to, she WOULD quit when they told her to but right now, if she’s going to die, she should be able to die happy so why quit something she enjoyed. I remembered I just looked at her… and shut my mouth. No sense arguing with her because she was going to do what she wanted to do no matter what. She blew off my concern like there was nothing wrong, so I let it go. And then, I remembered the day she died, the day we all sat around her bed and watched them pull the plug and I remember hearing those stupid nurses saying all was okay because my mom was back with God and that God wanted her home with him and all I could think about was how it wasn’t God that took her away from me (the nurses needed to just shut up) it was smoking that took her away from me because she knew better and either just didn’t care, or couldn’t stop herself from killing herself. I love my mom and don’t mean anything I say to sound nasty… I just miss her so much and for some reason that song, that moment caused all my anger, sadness and frustration to come boiling back up through me. And at that moment, I realized I did the same damn thing to my daughter earlier that day that my mom did to me. I blew off Becca’s fear and concern, just like my mom did to me. The only difference is that I was 30 years old when my mom did it and Becca is only 12. Who is the worse parent? Me or my mom? ME!! I blew off the concern of a child because food is more important to me than my health. I am such an idiot. I can’t remember a day when I felt wonderful. I can’t remember a day that I haven’t been in pain, tired or moody. I just don’t care, as long as I can eat, I’m happy and will deal with the rest right? I’m hoping what I realized yesterday is a new beginning for me and maybe, just maybe I can think of what my self destruction is doing to others….think about the pain and loss my baby would feel if I left her when I could have been with her for many many years to come. If my own will power can’t force me to get healthy, hopefully my love for Becca, my hope to see her grow up to be a wonderful beautiful woman (with grand babies galore!) will help me lose this weight and get healthy again. I hate to think I’d cause Becca so much grief and suffering because I couldn’t put that one last twinkie down. I know, I know, my mom passed away long after I grew up and became a mom… but darn it… I COULD have had more time!!! I NEEDED more time…

I love you mom… and I miss you so DAMN MUCH!!!!

So today, I’m creating a list of all my favorite foods and beverages and maybe, just maybe I can find a way to lose weight, get healthy and live to see my beautiful grand babies graduate from college… Hopefully, today will be a new beginning for me… a positive new beginning.