The Holy Bible; Presented by George A. Romero

Night of the Living Dead Savior

The Dead shall walk the Earth!

Jesus said he’d destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days.  He was crucified on a Friday afternoon and laid in the tomb until dawn on Sunday.  Not exactly three days but we’ll allow for a little wiggle room.  Anyway, dead for a day or dead for a week, dead is dead.  Jesus came back from the grave and no one freaked out.  Wanna know why?  Was it because he predicted it?  Was it because everyone believed in miracles?  Nope, it was because people were used to hearing about and seeing people returning back to life back then.  According to the Bible, returning from the grave was as common as, “pick a card, any card”.

So what’s the big deal with Jesus returning from the dead?  Why are all the stories about him being the messiah and not anyone else?  Apparently, there were loads of people coming back from the grave.  The only real trick was coming out of the grave and not having people run from you.  I’ve seen many zombie movies and not in a single one of them does the guy come back from the grave and everyone goes, “Cool, good to see you”.  No, the general response to someone returning from death is more like, “AHHHHH!!!! Get the fuck away from me!!!!”

So, the “documented” cases include:

Elisha raising a dead child by laying on him.  The dead kid sneezed and opened his eyes.

I do believe we can accredit two separate child resurrections to Elisha because the other was by Elisha merely speaking and the lord hearing his voice.  Also, there was no mention of sneezing with this one.

After Elisha was dead, he still retained his power of resurrection.  As they were burying a man, the body bumped into the bones of Elisha and the dead guy stood up right then and there.  Which begs the question, if Elisha could revive people in life and even after death, why did he die?  Wouldn’t he be able to heal himself?  OK, maybe not…

Jesus brought back a woman by speaking to her and taking her hand.

He also revived a young man at the city gates by touch and speaking.

Of course, Lazarus is one of the more famous of the zombies.

When Jesus died, the earthquake opened the graves of the saints who rose up and walked into the cities.  Ohhh, so spooky.

On top of all this, you have the grand finale, the big show, Jesus himself returned from death to visit with his friends on his way to Heaven.  Awfully convenient that he showed himself only to people that already believed the story?  That maybe he didn’t use the opportunity to convert a few cynics by appearing in the center of town with a glowing light saying, “Believe me now?”  A bit of a wasted opportunity I think.

So by now, we’ve established that the Bible has more walking dead in it than any good horror film should be allowed.  Tom Savini himself could not keep up with it.  Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who is wondering who the hell Tom Savini is.  Special effects guy, worked with Romero…  forget it…

So we are left with a choice.  Either people can return from the dead with relative ease or they were cute parlor tricks.  Were these people really dead?  Jesus himself said that she is not dead, she is only sleeping, maiden, arise.  So is it possible that most of the resurrections in the Bible are actually people that were sick or injured that Jesus merely helped out; healed?  That people so badly wanted to believe there was a miracle worker among them that they saw what they were told to see?

Or is it even more likely that over the centuries of verbal translations before it was set to paper, that stories of the Jesus became exaggerated?  Remember, cynics were never employed as Bible translators.  The people that wrote down these stories were firm believers and none of them sat back and asked if what they were writing made any sense.

Of course, magic doesn’t make sense.  And that’s as it should be.  When magic makes sense, we call it science.  The magic Jesus worked could have been of several types.  The power of suggestion is a good one.  Another is that maybe he had a good understanding of herbs and medicines and actually nursed these people back to health.  The other option is that he was a trickster.  Planting “dead” people so he could miraculously revive them.  Don’t laugh, it’s done all the time now a days and all in his name.  People like Benny Hinn and Oral Roberts.  They get one or two plants to come forth and from there, the mob mentality takes over and it’s always easier to believe in something when the people on either side of you believe in it.  And once you believe, well from there the sky’s the limit.

So if Jesus used plants, I believe he did it without malice, that he did it to encourage belief and faith in those around him.  More likely, he was attributed with these miraculous powers by years after year of excited people telling the story and every time it gets a little better.

The dead are dead.  They don’t get up and walk around.  The sick and dying have that option, but not the dead.  No one returns from death.