If a man is guilty, admits his guilt and makes heartfelt attempts to atone, repair and rehabilitate, how long should that transgression be held against him? If he falters along the way and corrects himself, should he be immediately cast out?
It all depends on the offense. I read those questions and answer them differently depending on what the crime is. Of course I do. All crimes are variable by degrees and all of us have different tolerances for different crimes. Right and wrong are never absolute, they are our own interpretations. Yes and no, truth and lie, these are absolutes. But even Obi-Wan Kenobi pointed out that lies can be truths “from a certain point of view”.
All of us have had epic moments when we made mistakes. Some mistakes are embarrassing, some are mortifying.
I recently had an episode of watching one of my mistakes happen to someone else and I had to smile and hope he learns like I had to do. Someone overindulged at a friendly gathering. He was drinking for some of the same reasons I did a few years ago at another party. He showed his ass and looked real foolish ending the evening with a dry-cleaning bill… I looked at him and smiled as I remember how stupid I was just a few short years ago. (Some of you remember that day don’t you? I’m still horrified by my actions, ughh!) I don’t think any less of him, I just hope he comes to the same realization I did. We all make mistakes, we all embarrass ourselves, we all play the fool. Our friends and our loved ones will admonish us, forgive us and sometimes they’ll even help us up off the floor.
Beyond this point my example doesn’t hold up because it is speculative. The person in the real example isn’t at this point yet. But if they were, the follow up question is what if he doesn’t learn a lesson from this? What if I didn’t learn anything from all of my mistakes? What if he makes this a pattern of behavior? The answer is fairly obvious. We’d talk to him, tell him to knock it off. Help him if he needs it, etc.
So imagine he’s cleaned up his act and for a few years he is well behaved. Now imagine he’s gone full-tilt and he’s back to the same old tricks for one day. Now apply the original questions. Should he be written off as a habitual offender? Should his past transgressions be ripped open and displayed for all to see again?
I’d say no. But only because I know the guy and I like him. And especially because the original questions apply to me when this full entry is read. So I’d say no, forgive and forget, help him stumble along if he’s really trying.
BUT, if I was watching the news and they showed a village that witnessed a violent eruption of a volcano, the survivors rebuilt their homes on the mountain, knew the volcano was coming back to life, witnessed new tremors and then died in the new eruption, I’d laugh my ass off at these stupid people that stuck around when they knew it was dangerous.
So cutting the shit and dropping most of the pretenses, I will lay it out for you to think upon. I am a failure. But then, so are you. Well, most of you. Mistakes have been made, lessons have been learned, relapses have occurred.
Most of you reading this silly little blog of mine are people I have met, people I know. If you know me well enough to call me a friend, I have probably offended you in one way or a thousand over the tenure of our relationship. I am loud, brash and stupid at times and being that I am also obstinate and bull-headed, I have hurt many feelings over the years. I am most humbly sorry for that. Most of you get a sideswiping small dose; a couple of you have gotten hit with both barrels.
I thought I had put most of that behind me, I was wrong. Sometimes old demons can be awakened by glaring injustices. Though they may not be any of my business, when I see people I love being manipulated, controlled and hurt by others, I go into an uncontrollable rage that destroys everything in its path. Irrational and entirely way too messy, but I am still learning to control the switch that controls me.
Not to romanticize it or anything, but I can go from Dr. Banner to The Hulk in a microsecond. After destroying everything around me, I can recover my wits and promise to control myself but the damage has been done. The object of my irritation stands no chance at that point and all sense of control is out the window. I am on a self destructing mission at that point. I am dangerous to all those around me and I can take innocent bystanders down with me. I am not proud of this rage, I am ashamed of it and I try to keep it hidden. I have succeeded in quelling the major outbursts but they are not gone.
Never was this more evident than this weekend. I have had a source of irritation for a while now, and not being an oyster, I never found a way to turn this into a pearl. I only tolerated it and ignored it as it was not my business. After witnessing the erosion of something I deeply cherish, something I love, I was still able to swallow my words and carry on. My point of failure was thinking that this would go on forever. I simply can not watch quietly as people I love are manipulated and destroyed.
Without knowing I was doing it, I lashed out and I blamed myself. I lashed out again, I was the object of scorn for all those around me. I lashed out once more, I was a candidate for universal hatred. I was finally subdued and brought under control only by love and infinite patience. Each time I promised I’d wait until a better time to rant and rave. Each time breaking that promise with impulse, not intention. It was like blacking out. I honestly couldn’t control myself and that is what scared me. I had every intention of “playing nice”. I NEVER wanted to act like I did. I stand no chance of changing the original problem, I only look foolish by acting so wild, I hurt everyone around me with my rage, I looked foolish and most of all, I had no control over myself. I can’t believe how scary it was to calm down one minute and then “come to” only to find that I just did it again.
We come back to the original questions I posed. Because I used to rage like this often, have rehabilitated myself but have had a relapse, am I to be discarded? Is it forgivable or have I failed to learn a lesson? If I have learned and I have applied what I have learned and this is only an isolated occurrence, should I be counted as a habitual offender? What is the gamble that I will not continue in my behavior? Am I wrong for making a cut-and-run decision against my foe when I am asking for leniency for my offenses? Am I capable of determining if any learning has taken place in the enemy’s camp? Is my foe worthy of the same patience I am asking for?
I see nothing but deflection and blame-placing coming from my opponent. But I also remember a time when I was the very same way and it was not so long ago. Is this person capable of growth? Will they learn? Am I willing to wait? Have I encountered a breech that is beyond repair? Will I be blamed for this breech simply because I used to cause them and I happened to find this one?
So I can sense that some of you want all the “good” stuff. You want to know who, when, where, etc? Well, I really want to give it to you because I’m still pissed as hell! I’ve got A LOT to say about this particular issue. But I’m not going to do that. I hate reading those “personal message” blogs where people are having flame wars within blog posts. Most of you know enough already, and to be honest, this blog isn’t about me getting out a few barbs. I wrote this up to get some of it out of my system. I made a conscious decision not to do the flame war thing so I concentrated on my input on the events.
I did a lot wrong. I may have been reacting to things worth reacting to, but my reactions were all wrong. I lashed where I should have turned away and I care where I should give up. Fighting a futile battle is honorable if you can do it while marinating your dignity. At what point do you have to lay down your arms and walk off the field because both sides of the war don’t want you involved?
If someone is at war, but they don’t know it, and you try to defend them against a smiling enemy who is defeating them without alerting them that there is a war, do you become the only enemy to both sides?
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