That law has expired, please renew

I am smart enough to know that as your impending leader and the Emperor of Earth, I can not come up with ALL the new ideas on my own.  So I incorporate some of the ideas I’ve come across into the new Unified Earth Theory.  This is not stealing ideas, this is my recognition that a few people have come up with some good ideas before I got there…

New EOE decree: All laws will be given expiration dates.

This will ensure three things.

• 1: Antiquated ideas will not be renewed.
• 2: The current index of laws will reflect the society they serve.
• 3: Lawmakers will be so busy running around renewing valid laws against things like murder, they won’t have the time to screw up the system with new, frivolous laws.

This all stems from a discussion I got into the other day about flag burning.  An act that many people feel strongly against but will send you into a spin if you try to define why it should be illegal.  Every few months I get the glut of e-mails telling me to call my congressman to support the “new” law or amendment that will make flag burning illegal.  I always get flack from these people when I return their e-mails telling them I am against making it illegal.  And then, the flame e-mails begin.  (I could avoid the entire thing by just not responding to the e-mails at all but then we’d have no heated discourse and controversial discussion seems to be my thing…)  I think that entire quagmire boils down to three things.  Freedom of Speech, Offensive acts and Intent.

Freedom of Speech is our First Amendment.  It was the first thing we decided to collectively change about our new form of government.  Each of us has the right to have our say, each of us has the right to criticize our government.  While I personally find burning a flag to be distasteful, I also find that symbolic act a thing of beauty.  Every time someone burns a flag it doesn’t destroy the First Amendment, it affirms it.  It is offensive and beautiful at the same time.

The current system does not give you the right to live your life without being offended by your fellow citizens.  I have no intention of instituting that right either.  I think offense is a matter of taste and how can you legislate that?  I will guarantee that the list of things that offend you does not match up 100% with the list of things that offend me.  Which list should we outlaw?  Trust me, you don’t want me flexing my Emperor of Earth powers and outlawing all the things that offend me.

And that leaves us with intent.  Burning a flag is not offensive in every case.  Burning is how retired flags are honorably disposed of.  So the flame itself is not the offensive part.  I find it far more offensive when someone at the beach is wearing a flag pattern bikini bottom or even Apollo Creed’s flag outfit in Rocky 4.  But they have no intent to dishonor the flag.  So some fat hog-beast having the flag floss her butt isn’t offensive and burning the flag isn’t offensive under the right conditions…  So the problem is the intention behind the act.  Burning the flag in protest seems to be the only case that would be covered by the suggested new law these people want.  So we want to protect our freedoms by limiting our freedoms?

I don’t get it.  Why do we need a law for this?  If someone on television or radio offends you, change the channel.  If your neighbor offends you, don’t hang out with them.  If a business offends to you, don’t but their products.  We have the ability to decide for ourselves what is personally offensive and to act on those feelings by expressing our own forms of protest.  If you want big daddy government to step in every time your little feelings are hurt, you’re opening a door you won’t be able to close.  Big daddy government has a lot of children to protect and maybe you’re doing something that offends one of the other kids on the block.

As EOE, I’ll let you all play nice in the sandbox and I won’t even step in when you get mad at each other.  I’ll figure you are grown up enough to settle the dispute yourselves.  Until someone starts hitting.  Then you go to the “time-out” chair.  Which turns out to be pretty much the same system we have now.  Until you guys go around passing laws about things that offend you.  Then the system of government looks decidedly less American and starts to resemble something… offensive.