News overhaul

I really need to stop watching the news.  The stupidity is enraging!  I go from relatively calm to blood-boiling mad in a single phrase.  Okay, maybe it’s not the broadcast, maybe its me.

But it’s gotten to the point that Teresa won’t watch the news with me anymore.  She stopped Becca from watching the news with me years ago…

First off, can’t we all get together and decide on priorities?  Sports has it’s own segment at 11:20.  Does some retiring old-fart football coach really deserve the top story at the start of the broadcast?  Okay, maybe we decide that he gets top billing but why did the news talk about this guy for twenty minutes, drop a quick weather forecast on me and then we’re off to sports?  Was there NO other news that night?  And why do we give a shit about Tiger Woods’ personal life?  It doesn’t matter if he’s got thirty women polishing his nine-iron, it’s not my business.  That’s not news, that’s tabloid fodder.  I don’t give a shit and I can’t imagine any real journalists do either.  Call me when he kills his ex-wife, her boyfriend and then runs off in a white Bronco.  Otherwise, I should NEVER hear about Tiger Woods because I don’t give a shit about golf.

Weather related deaths.  I’m sick of hearing “A winter storm rolled through the midwest this week, five deaths have already been blamed on this storm…”  NO!  Not anymore!  With Doppler radar, hurricane hunters, eleven day forecasts…  You can’t blame the weather for deaths anymore.  A hurricane is coming, get the fuck out of the way!  A winter storm is coming, stay indoors!  You don’t have heat, go to a friends house.  But do it early before the storm comes.  You don’t have friends, well that’s hardly the storm’s fault is it?  Tornadoes are the only weather I can understand having a death toll.  Okay, maybe tsunamis too.  But all other weather related deaths are due to stupidity and ignorance.  Some dick on a golf course gets hit by lightning?  A beach house collapses during a hurricane and kills everyone inside?  People wanting to be the first tire track in the new snow during a blizzard?  Flagrant disregard for basic safety is not the weather’s fault.  All of these people knew better and did what they wanted anyway.  Fuck em.

Nothing is anyone’s fault anymore.  Personal responsibility makes us feel sad…  We’ve got soft news crews.  They’re more interested in telling you how to feel than in giving you the facts and letting you decide how you want to feel.  Leave your personal opinions at the broadcast booth door people, I don’t want to hear you commiserating with the victims or celebrating with the victors, I just want the news.

And that’s another thing, public opinion.  There is no reason, NO REASON I should ever hear anonymous forum posts read aloud in the news program.  The current trend is for these weak-assed news anchors to say, “we’ll let’s hear what you people have to say about this from our on-line forum…”  and then they read out some hand picked posts that have no value in them whatsoever.  Most of them are patronizing and boring, no original thought and simply a waste of my time.  I stopped reading the on-line news forums a few years ago when they started censoring unpopular opinions.  (I tend to have very unpopular opinions when I can post anonymously)  I don’t want to hear that Bob31978 says, “I agree and my heart goes out to the families”  What good did that do?  What news did I get from that?  Did I learn anything about the situation?  No.  Did I learn anything about Bob31978?  No, he could be anyone, anywhere.  And do I give a crap about Bob31978?  No.  Fuck Bob31978.  Fuck him in the ear.  Save the public opinion bullshit for the forums and the blogs.  I have no illusions, I am fully aware that my opinion is not for everyone and that’s why what I write here doesn’t belong on the 11:00 news!

And the thing that set me off most recently, the phrase, “…it could have happened to anybody.”  Not always true.  Some things do “just happen” and they really could happen to anyone.  The world is open to accidents and sometimes people get caught up in bad situations that they didn’t play a part in.  A car crashing into your bedroom while you’re sleeping might happen to anyone.  (Although the fact that it did happen to a girl who was the only survivor of a major traffic accident six months ago makes me think of the movie Final Destination…)  BUT, more often than not, people have played a part in their situation.  When someone does something stupid or irresponsible they ought to qualify the statement by saying, “It could happen to anyone stupid enough to put themselves in that situation.”  Letting a child drive a car full of people on public streets does not just happen to anybody.  Honestly, I’m offended that the focus is on the fact that they died rather than the fact that their poor decision could have killed innocent people.  If that kid had turned the wheel the other way when she went out of control and killed someone who just happened to be walking by, well that could have happened to anybody.

And that’s when Teresa gets upset at me for watching the news.  I say cold and calloused things because I’m upset at how the story is presented to us.  Honestly, it sucks for someone whenever anyone dies and I wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone.  But the tragedy is lost on me the moment I am told how I should feel about the story.  Of course it’s a shame that these people died.  But when they interview ten different people all saying “it’s a shame” and not a single contrary point of view saying “Hey, maybe they shouldn’t have let their 14-year old child drive on public streets”, then I HAVE to be that guy!  I have to offer up opposing points of view.  When the parent of a wounded soldier claims that the “power of prayer” kept their son alive after being shot, I HAVE to be the one asking, “Weren’t you praying for his safety the moment he went over there?  Where was the power of prayer then?”  That doesn’t mean I don’t care about that soldier and that doesn’t mean I am belittling this father’s pain of knowing his son is hurt.  All it means is we are accepting non-factual anecdotes as news programming now and I’ve had enough!

One of the first orders of business when I become Emperor of Earth®; Raise the dead.  I will get the best scientists working on zombification or maybe even spiritual possession.  I want all news to be read by Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow.  Even if we have to put them in new bodies I want their original voices restored for my own amusement.  I want to hear Cronkite’s voice coming from a hot 20-year old woman’s body…  (does that say anything creepy about me?)  No more sappy news.  I am not an evil Emperor, I will not squelch free enterprise.  You can have your “feel good” news reports but they will not be called news.  It will just be a nationwide version of TMZ.

There’s a war going on people.  Our men and women are dying in a foreign land.  There are people starving to death on the streets of this town and any town like it.  One in every ten people are unemployed and are wondering how they are going to provide for their families.  There is a huge asteroid hurtling toward Earth that can extinguish the human race.  Small angry nations have nuclear capabilities.  Yahoo admitted that they allow the government to read your e-mail.  All of this is important news (except the part about the asteroid, I made that up.  Or did I?)  Any of these could be the lead news story.  But no, let’s talk about mundane things like celebrities and sports.  Things that keep us from asking questions like, “Who’s in charge around here?” and “How can I change things?”