Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday’s Bah Humbug…
I’ve gone from sad and depressed to happy and excited and am now down to pissed, stressed, frustrated and so over the holidays. Can’t we just fast forward and get to 2010? This year fucking sucked and I am so over it.
The good news is, thanks to Becca’s wonderful grandparents, she’ll be able to go to DC with her classmates in her final year of middle school. I owe them big time because Becca totally deserves this trip and it sucked that she may not have been able to go because I’ve put us in this black hole of financial chaos with no bright light at the end of it. I also want to say a great big thank you to Rebecca’s secret Santa. I’ve never seen Becca’s eyes pop out of her head before or seen her jaw drop so quickly after opening that envelope. Thank you very much from the bottom of our hearts.. your gift will guarantee she’ll have a wonderful trip.. though I’m still going to work on finger printing and handwriting analysis to see who you are!!! God, I love CSI!!! Thank you… whoever you are.. for putting a smile on my baby’s face…
I got some great news the other day though I’m not allowed to write it right now due to it being HUSH HUSH… I’ll write another post after Christmas with all the exciting news because it really is awesome… or if you’re that curious… send me an email and I’ll tell you!! No I’m not pregnant!
I’m in over my head and I’ve no clue how to get out of it. I’m screwing up with my Girl Scouting – making stupid and costly mistakes, I have no patience with my little kids, no time or patience to be mommy or wife and my head is killing me I just want to cut it off. I can’t sleep, my mind is whirling with so much that I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I just wrote up my resignation for Girl Scouting – well the coach part of it. I really can’t quit now, in the middle of the year, but I did tell them I would not be returning as a coach for next year. I hate it, it sucks because I really liked helping new leaders get their troops up and running but it’s just too much. My next letter will be to resign from being the Daisy troop leader, they knew it would only be a year long position for me, but I’m sure they are assuming I’m a dumb ass and will continue with it next year. So I figure now is a good time to make it official, I will not be returning for that position next year. Over the Christmas break, I’ll be re-evaluating my Co-Leader status for our Cadette troop. I’m thinking I need to leave that too but… well, that will be a little harder for me to decide on, because I’d hate to leave my girls. But, I just don’t have the time, patience or emotions to handle another year of this.
My business is going well, except that I only have 2 kids right now, with the possibility of having 2 more in February but that’s just not going to cut it. If I don’t get some more kids in here, we’re going to lose the house and everything in it. I’ve conceded defeat and will be turning over the check book and all finances to Chris in February (after the income tax check) to see if maybe he can get us out of this funk. I’ve tried every bit of magic I could find and I just don’t see a way out of it. I’m almost wishing we stay as we are, then we can just call it quits, put the house up for sale, sell everything we have and head up to PA. We’ll test Becca and have her placed in 11th grade next year and just stay with dad, get a trailer for the front of his property and just…. breathe… But, then I think about how hard we worked for this house, how hard I worked for my business and how well Becca is doing in her current school and her dream of attending Stanton. So, what do you do??? I don’t have time for a second job! Chris can’t take on another job.. and we can’t cut out anything more than what I’ve already done. It sucks!
I’m tired of the fighting and screaming, I’m tired of the frustration and stress, I’m tired of the constant drama, I’m tired of not being able to sleep because my mind is trying to find ways to fix everything. I’m tired of the constant lump in my throat trying to hold back the tears because Chris deserves some spending money, Becca deserves a great Christmas, and we all just need a break. Chris and I are at each other’s throats constantly. He needs reassurance that everything is going to be okay but I just can’t find the words to say it because I’m just too pissed off to think I should be loving and caring. FUCK IT, I just want to punch someone, I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I give up, I just fucking give up! I wish I was 10 again, so that I could run away and let someone else take care of everything. But to ask for help? NEVER…… I want my mommy…
December 13th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
And I have to add to this… after writing up my post, I wiped my tears and decided to go and finished the huge pile of laundry before work and school tomorrow. Unfortunately, I opened my emails instead… DUMB DUMB DUMB…
The last 2 weeks I’ve been fighting with my Daisy troop to get a parent to volunteer to be cookie mom. It’s not that hard, you just have to be available for 3 months. Well, I was smart this year (or so I thought) and had 2 parents for the position, just in case one canceled. Well, 3 days before training – THEY BOTH CANCELED. At the final hour before the training, I got a mom that was willing to become cookie mom.. WOO HOO.. WHEW! They actually got angry when I told them I COULD NOT, WOULD NOT do it… they didn’t understand why I couldn’t take on THAT responsibility also. Anyway, new mom took over, went to the training and is VERY excited to handle it… until I just opened my email and found out that I will be doing the parent mandatory meeting/training the 1st week of January because she’s on call that day and can’t make the meeting! SLIT MY WRISTS AND LET IT DRAIN! You guys are killing me!!! I just laughed, responded with a no problem and closed my email up. I think I’ll go stand out side in the yard and hope for a lightning strike to put me out of my misery.. UGH!!!
December 13th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Re: Praying for a HAPPY 2010… Just WHO are you praying to?
December 14th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Who am I praying to? I guess I used the wrong phrase, it’s more that I’m WISHING for a better 2010… but.. If I were to pray to someone, well, right now I’ll take anyone who listens..since choosing one never really helped me in the past… so, who am I praying to? How about…
Ganesha – to remove the obstacles from my path…
Hestia – to assist me in being a better mother and wife…
Buddha – to help me find the peace and serenity I’m looking for…
Aphrodite – to give me back the love/lust I’ve been missing for so many months..
Demeter – to help me (along with Aphrodite) to get pregnant…
Sandman – to help me sleep through the night since I haven’t had a good night sleep in months…
Father time – to speed up time to get me through 2009
Mother nature – to give me one beautiful snowy day to redeem 2009 for me…
Donald Trump – to maybe throw some of his cash my way…
My mom – so maybe she can throw me the hug I so desperately need from her right now.
or….
Dionysus… to keep me drunk over the next couple of weeks to get me through this rough, stressful.. trying time..
or last but not least…
Kevorkian so he can put me out of my fucking misery!
Sorry, I’m not really into religion right now. Everyone assumes that because Chris is a vocal atheist, that I am too.. I’m not.. I just don’t have the time or the patience to deal with the constant obsession with God. I have more important things to worry about right now…
With the Southern Baptists using scare tactics to try to get me to become one of them and Chris blasting the Christians; raging about how stupid they are for their absolute obsession with something that doesn’t exist, how’s a girl to decide? How’s a girl to choose? I remember going to church as a little girl and loving it. They told stories about this wonderful man who loved and cared for those he watched over, how he tried to take away pain and how he tried to teach the people to be loving, to share and to take care of each other. I used to LOVE watching Touched by an Angel and Highway to Heaven. And now, after moving down to Florida, I’m blasted with a scary obsession that makes me fear instead of respect a God I grew up loving and knowing he’d be there for me. I don’t like living in fear, I didn’t fear my parents, I didn’t fear my GOD. I respected them both knowing they would take care of me in my time of need. I didn’t think of him every day, my parents didn’t shove him down my throat. He was there, just as Santa, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy.. I was never taught that if I didn’t BELIEVE, I’d be sent to a fiery hell and live eternity out in pain and torture. I just… believed!
It’s funny.. I’ve gone to my brother’s church in Atlanta and I felt the same way there, as I did in my little church in Delaware.. Happy, content and comfortable with my beliefs. Why is it so different in Florida?
I’m tired of people telling me that GOD is testing me, to see how strong I am to see if I’m a true believer. If THAT is what GOD has become, then, smack me in the head, he’s not worth my time or attention. I’m not in the mood to deal with someone who thinks it’s okay to constantly test me and if I fail, punish me. If I believe, then I believe and nothing the Southern Baptists or Chris says will stop me from believing. My parents didn’t test me constantly and I’ll love and respect them for all eternity. Saying GOD has to earn my love and respect is not what I’m saying but to have someone tell me I’m constantly NOT GOOD ENOUGH, pisses me off. I’m being tested, it’s God’s will.. BULL SHIT.. I can’t get pregnant because of ME, not God.. My mom died because of her smoking habit, NOT because GOD wanted her home. We had Becca, not because she’s a GOD miracle, but a SCIENCE miracle. God, did not give me this house, WE worked our asses off to get it. Just as GOD is not taking it away from us… WE are because we didn’t work hard enough. If God thinks it’s cool to allow a 15 year old girl to get into a car wreck with 9 of her friends AND survive it, to then allow this same girl 6 months later to have a car crash through her bedroom wall and crush her – then WOW, I have an issue with this guy. It’s crazy. I’m sorry, I’m a little crazy right now and I hate that religion always gets thrown into a conversation…
Back in July, when Liz was here, Chris was in a mood and went absolutely crazy in the middle of a Dick’s Wings, blasting and raging about the “stupid” people who believed in God. As I sat there with Becca and Liz, I wanted to cry. We decided long ago to bring Becca up in this world to give her choices, it was her choice to decide if she wanted to believe in GOD or a God, it was her choice to become a lesbian, date someone of different race, color, religion. It was her choice to be a vegetarian or not. SHE needed to make her choice, we were not going to scare her into anything. But, as I sat there and watched my crazy/crazed husband go into a full out rant against the Christians, and talking about how STUPID people are and blah blah blah.. I just wanted to cry. He never thought about Liz who was sitting right next to him-who he never “thought” about her belief’s, he completely forgot about his impressionable daughter who was sitting across from him(and had a bad experience with being scared about God at age 6) and he completely forgot his wife, who has still not decided on her own path, who now is afraid that if she did decide to stick with her upbringing and keep her Christian faith.. she’d be stupid and he’d have no respect for her. I’ve never seen Chris so crazy or so passionate before. It was scary and after a LOOOOONG talk, he realized his mistake and apologized. It hasn’t happened again. Though we still talk of religion often, he holds back some of his disparaging remarks. What stopped him? I told him he was becoming one of “them”. The Christians that come after you, scare you, demean you and make you fear not becoming one of them. WOW! I’ve never seen him so upset. He didn’t mean to, it just happened because it was a bad day, he’d read something he didn’t like.
So, who am I praying to? Anyone who will listen.. my next door neighbor? My dogs? Myself? I didn’t mean “praying” as praying… I just meant.. I just want to get through this year without any additional stress, frustration and crying…
December 14th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Ouch… Damn, calling me out like that? In my defense, it doesn’t happen often and I remember being particularly offended by several occurrences that week so my ire was already stirred and ready to go. Also, I contend that the word I used was not “stupid” but “delusional” but I very easily could be wrong. I do remember losing control and just belching up some deep-seated resentment and hatred for the god of my youth. I was way out of line and I thank you (again) for calling attention to my trespass.
While you’re doing some comparison shopping for gods, keep in mind that I’m pretty sure none of them can do a damn thing for you if you’re not willing to step up and try it yourself. Gods can empower you from within but I’ve yet to see one act on your behalf without some effort from your side of the equation.
As bad as things look, things are really doing alright. Frustration is to be expected but don’t give up hope yet baby, on 2009, on your gods or on me. We’re trying our best and we’ll come through at some point. You just have to believe in us.
December 27th, 2009 at 12:35 am
1) Breathe in, breathe out…close eyes, sit down and repeat a couple hundred times (lock yourself in the can, it helps.)
2) You know, I’ve listened to you write about the girl scouts thing (or whatever it is) for a couple of years now.
The world will not end if you quit ALL OF IT for 1 year. You could go back after that if you just had to. But quit for a year, take care of yourself, your home your child and last but definitely not least your hubby.
Tell them you are done, done,DONE and walk away for a while. Don’t look back and DON’T play the guilt game.
Stay home, work on your day care and sleep in occasionally…snuggle on rainy evenings or something
HAVE FUN
A revolutionary thought, I know…
Much hugs and hope,
Lisa