Dark clouds on the horizon

It was an experiment.  In my success, it showed me my failure.

In my haste to drop a post every weekday in January I was concerned that toward the end I’d run out of interesting things to say.  I’ve listened to podcasts and read blogs that made the attempt to post 365 days in a row.  Some of them are good but you can always tell when they are posting “placeholder” content that did nothing but fulfill the need to keep the streak going.  That’s not a bad thing but I didn’t want to really do that since my experiment was only to see if I could do it for one month.

But it did get me to thinking about what I’m posting up here.  It made me realize that I’m keeping two separate logs.  There’s the “blog safe” public writings and then there’s the stuff I never publish.  If you think I occasionally get ugly here, you should see what oozes onto the screen when you can’t see…

I thought, “Why not just put the real me out there in the blog?”  I’ve got a lot of my ranting and bitching out there and I’ve got a lot of my kind-hearted frustrations out there but I have very little “me” out there.  It’s not like I have a “brand” to ruin, there are only a handful of people reading this, why not expose myself a little further and allow some of my inner-turmoil to boil to the surface?

I started with what I felt was a rather innocuous post (Jan 29) that didn’t apologize for being dark.  I just allowed the voice to say what it wanted to say and moved on.  Some people got it, some didn’t.  The point of making that post is that I am tired of having to be “up” all the time.  I think a lot of us are.  The world expects us to be happy or pleasant at all times.  Those of us who embrace the darkness are shunned by you Eloi.  I stopped posting status messages on Facebook because it’s all a lie.  Either you can be cute or you can be witty, but you can never be dark…

Some of us have deeper and darker holes than others and some of us are hard to tolerate when we’re down.  Inconsolable self pity is a bitch of a wall to get through!

Some television shows go on too long.  They said what they had to say and then they go on for years with empty shows.  I’m either going to start pouring a little of my true self into this blog or maybe it’s time to call it done.  Nothing more pathetic than a show that’s been over years before they finally take it off the air.  I’m not saying this will become the “Dark Hole of Doom” or anything but I’m no longer going to run the “Super-Happy-Fun-Blog-of-Sunshine”!

Looking back you’re probably thinking, “What the hell is he talking about?  He’s bitched, he’s been morose and he’s been gloomy!”   Yeah, but I was always holding back.  I will no longer pretend to be happy when I’m not and I will not apologize for that.