Who is that?

Crap I learned during my home-bound incarceration and forced viewing of the Consumer Bowl.

Beer should not sound like a breakfast cereal.  I’m not a big beer drinker and I know the ingredients include wheat, barley and hops but somehow “Bud Light Golden Wheat” sounds disgusting.  Even if I were in the mood for a beer, I can’t imagine ever wanting to drink something that sounds like it should come with a glass of orange juice and a sliced banana.

Fat white guys in their underwear are suddenly “in”.  I’m in that demographic and I am disgusted.  Two different commercials featuring fat dudes in tighty whiteys.  I think I’m going to puke up my Bud Golden Wheaties.

I fucking hate stupid little catch phrases.  I’m sick of seeing it, I’m sick of hearing it, I’m tired of the people that insist on using it.  We all used the popular catch phrases in our youth.  Some of them hang around or even come back into fashion.  I really don’t have any problem with people choosing how they represent themselves when they speak, I actually applaud it.  Create your own counter-culture, good for you.  And I’m not suggesting they run around asking “Of whom do you speak?”  But the next fucker that screams “Who dat?” in my ear is getting stabbed in the fucking eye with a #2 pencil.  Team catch phrases are not my arena so who am I to judge?  But somehow this one makes me think old vaudeville shows and black-face makeup.  I don’t care how innocent it may be, to me, seeing a white football fan scream “Who dat?” is tantamount to me singing each and every lyric when I listen to NWA in public.  Sure I absolutely don’t mean any offense, but if some guy hears me singing “nigga this…” and “nigga that…” and he pulls me from my car and sets me on fire, I’ll understand why…

According to the ad, French girls are cheap and easy and I can use Google to help me get laid in Paris.  The ad was nothing but a series of searches.  “How to impress French girls”, “Where to buy chocolate”, “Hotels in Paris”, “Wedding chapels in Paris”, “How to build a crib”…  Some people took away a nice romantic story about falling in love, I imagined a tawdry tale that started out much like Sade’s “Justine” and ended like a Georgia trailer park shotgun wedding with a six month pregnant Parisian bride…

Covering iconic rock songs is wrong, but forgivable.  Your version (or “remix”) of an iconic song sounding almost identical to the original is stupid and wrong but forgivable.  Changing the lyrics to any iconic song is wrong and while not exactly forgivable, it doesn’t warrant the death sentence.  However, changing the lyrics of “My Generation” from “I hope I die before I get old” to “Don’t wanna die young I wanna get old” is punishable by tortures only imagined in the darkest pits of the neither-regions.  FUCK this bothered me ALL NIGHT!!!  This song was raw, it was legendary, it was a middle finger in the face of the squares!  And you have besmirched it with your lyrics of mediocrity.  You must suffer.  You must atone for your sin against rock and roll.  I hereby initiate a bounty on William Adams from the Black Eye’d Peas.  (No disintegrations) Attention world; I have $3.12 on me right now, bring be the head of will.i.am frozen in carbonite!  Okay, maybe a bit too harsh…  Bring him to me alive and we’ll lock him in a room and play his own music at him until he pees his pants and promises never to do it again.  (Once again the voice of reason in my head sounds like Rollins…)

While we’re on the subject, Roger, dude, you’re 65 years old.  Once you qualify for social security it’s time to stop rallying against the man.  Maybe you should have followed Keith’s lead and maybe you should have died before you got old…  Actually, The Two did better than I thought they would.  He can’t hit the same notes he made famous over forty years ago and he looks like someone’s grandmother on her way to a game of bridge.  Pete was overacting and looked like he was desperate to be “cool” again.  But they could have sounded worse.  Actually Roger Daltry HAS sounded worse recently so, not as bad as it could have been.  The sound tech should be fired for making it obvious that he got a LOT of help on the scream at the end of Won’t Get Fooled Again.  We all knew it was coming, after hearing what shape his voice was in we all knew there was no way he was going to hit that scream alone but it didn’t need to sound so obvious.  Kind of like kicking an old man, live, in front of millions of viewers… fuckhead!  You sucker punched him.  That man has rocked more than you ever will and that band helped create every rock and roll cliche you’ll ever see.  Respect your elders!
Also, the CSI franchise has ruined one of my favorite classic bands.  I can’t hear any Who song anymore without thinking about sexy forensic analysts doing DNA tests (without hairnets or gloves) in twenty minutes or less.

But can we get someone relevant to play a halftime show?  This coming from a guy who hates modern pop music and loves bands like The Who…  But this is a nationwide event and you’re trying to attract as many people as you can, why not get a band that has put out new material in the last ten years to play the biggest gig in television advertising?  Is it because the people attending the actual game are old people?  I just don’t understand how Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and The Who are considered for gigs like this when none of them have put out anything resembling music in recent history?  Hey shit, I’d rather watch The Who or even Prince but honestly, They aren’t relevant.  Let some modern music stars play the gig, dinosaurs went extinct a while back, bring out the new blood.  I’d better be careful what I ask for.  If they’re playing The Who and Paul McCartney, they might think the new bands are Kansas, Asia and The Eagles…

GoDaddy.com just can’t make a good commercial.  They play around for ten seconds, a woman threatens to tear off her shirt and then it freezes and goes to the text ad which says go to their website to see more and then adds a line about “Warning: web content is uncensored”.  I thought they sold domain registrations and shit, when the fuck did they get into the porn business?  Respect level dropping.  Not because of the porn aspect, I love porn.  But because they could have done a better job on the commercial and more to the point, I think it’s a stupid ad and a cheap shot.  Lame.

How did the Colts lose?  Each of them has a lucky horseshoe on their helmet.  Two of them actually!  This led to Becca and I debating who would win in a race, a horse with four lucky horseshoes or a rabbit with four lucky rabbit’s feet?  I won because I said the rabbit has a leprechaun jockey making him twice as lucky as the horse…

The chicken wings were good, so were the K-rab sandwiches.  The shrimp were perfect.  Sitting with Becca and Teresa while making fun about everything we saw on television was just what I needed.  We laughed at the stupid commercials, told the local news lady to fuck off when she wants us to take a temper test with her tomorrow.  We “awwwed” at the Clydesdale commercials (as usual) and Teresa’s team of choice won the game.  It was a good night.

But seriously guys, $3.12, it’s all I’ve got but you can claim this mighty prize as well as my undying affection if you can make will.i.am publicly admit he was wrong for fucking around with an anthem.  I get it, he wanted to change the lyric to represent his new generation… go write your own fucking song then!  Mister rapper/songwriter… If you’re so damn good, go write something that still resonates with people 45 years after its release!
FUCK!  I can tell this one is going to bother me for a long time…  I’m going to bed.