And really, why should I want to change my cynical and pessimistic ways? When all my previous faults are held against me and I have no room for error, what chance do I have of instigating change within myself? Or more truthfully, why should I try if no one will grant me room for improvement? If I’m trying to be a better person, who am I trying to change for? The noble answer is to make change for the sake of being a better person but I’m not very good at being noble. My struggle to be “nicer” is not for myself, I’m content and happy being a hateful sonofabitch. I want to change because of how I interact with the people I care about. But when these same people refuse to acknowledge the steps I have made, the challenges I have overcome, the effort I have put in… When these people hold up my every past fault as evidence that I have always been this way and will never change… Why should I continue to make the effort?
I am continually set up for failure. Because I’ve always been disagreeable, the case against me is won the second I disagree. Because I was once dangerously unstable, all my future stumbles will be counted as the onset of another episode. Some stigmas linger well beyond their causes. Look at me. If I were still as disagreeable and unstable as I once was, would I make the attempt to right the boat? I have adopted new ways and methods. Where I used to retreat and withdraw, I have exposed myself and confronted my pain. I have showed through repeated trials that this is not a phase, this is not some new game that I will tire of. This is not some new hustle where I have learned how to manipulate the game in my favor. Over the years I have repeatedly demonstrated that yes, I am changed. And yet, still I am counted as damaged.
I stole a few things when I was a kid, do you guard your wallet when I enter the room?
I cheated at a game of Monopoly when I was nine, will I forever play the part of the crook?
Because I’ve lied in the past, is anything I’ve ever said the truth?
I can not blame anyone for this but myself. People that have been hurt by me again and again have learned that I am not to be trusted. I have trampled on your feelings one too many times and I understand your reluctance to allow me the chance to do it once more. Friends, family, loved ones, common associates… few of the people I mingle with are stupid. They are a group of good and intelligent people and it seems that they have learned to distrust me for good reason.
When the dog bites you the second time, you put him down.
March 10th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Dude what are you talking about. I know I haven’t known you your whole life, but I can tell you your one of the most trusted persons I know. I’m sure you have your faults and you might have been one of the biggest dickheads ever, but you have to live in the now and not linger to long on your past. Of course there are going to be people that only know you from your past and base their decisions on that. I have the same problem with some of my friends that can only rememeber we as the party guy and whore dog of my youth and still treat me like that guy. The truth is I’m not that guy anymore there are parts of my personality that retain that person but I’m a husband and a father now and have a completely different set of goals now. It’s funny that most of my so called friends love ripping on me for my past, but as soon as we’re hanging out and having a drink they want me to act like the old me because that dude was fun. The guy I am today is not the devil my care guy of my youth and if I show any responibilty or act like an adult they come down on me for not being the hell raiser of the past, but these people are the same people that would be the first to make fun of me for my bad behavior as soon as the party is over. So it’s OK for me to be a clown when it suites them but not cool to be a clown when they not in the mood for the circus. There are lots of people that think they know us but all men change after becaming a husband and most certainly when becoming a father. The only reason you and I changed wasn’t for ourselves but for our family because we thought that our family deserve better then what we thought we were. We have no hidden agenda we’re just trying trying to be the man we feel our families deserve and if others hold your past against you or they are holding you back from being the man you wish to be then they are not friends. They were at one time but that time has pasted. Move on and don’t give these people another thought. Only worry about what your daughter and wife feel about you they are the only ones that count.