How is it that I love movies but I hate the Oscars?
I haven’t watched the award ceremony in years and even then only minutes at a time. I couldn’t give a flying rat turd which movie wins which award. I don’t care who wins best actors and I’m amazed that people are still interested in who wins for things like editing and costumes. If there was a period piece that year, it wins for best costume, big surprise… Why should I give a shit? Oh sure, if I were in the costume making business I’d care but most of us are not in the movie industry. It’s the same thing as watching the credits after a movie. Do you care who the key grip was? Do you know what a key grip does? I’m sure his mother cares a great deal. She’s the one who watches the credits more attentivly than the actual feature and cries, “That’s my boy!” but the rest of us don’t fucking care.
As for the main categories, I still don’t care. Here it is, the day after the big show and I still have no idea who won what. Don’t care. If it wins an award it won’t make the movie any better. But you know what it will do? It can take a crappy/mediocre movie and if they have enough friends among the reviewing judges and they give it an award, that crappy movie will be instantly transformed to a prestigious “film”. Of course it could work the other way around as well. There are some good movies out there that are overlooked throughout the year and they could get a second glance if they win an award. But that almost never happens! Schlock wins out over art.
It’s predictable. Here you go. I swear to you that I have not looked up who won but I’ll bet this is how it went down: Some “important and serious” movie wins overall, Avatar wins for the “pretty” and the actor awards will be from emotional response movies. Same shit every year. I only specified Avatar because it’s a no-brainer this year. Avatar was as bland as 3-day old dishwater but it was very, VERY pretty… The rest; documentary, shorts, foreign… I can’t even be bothered to waste a thought about them. I just don’t fucking care.
Oh and the fucking pageantry of the red carpet. Fuck these people. I wish someone had the guts to show up in jeans and a t-shirt and tell the cameras they’re not here to impress anybody… Actually that might be a bad and classless move, it is a formal affair… But who are these people that care who made the dress? Is it pretty, did you like it? Why isn’t that good enough? Okay, forget the jeans/T-shirt move, I want to see an A-list actress show up in the perfect dress and when they go on and on about it, tell the cameras she found it in a Goodwill bin for $7. Or if they hate the dress tell them her grandmother (who was one of the costumers on Gone With the Wind) fought her debilitating arthritis and hand-sewed it over three years, finishing just a week before she died of a horribly painful disease, sob into the camera for a three count and just as the person who didn’t like the dress is feeling guilty, look up, smile and walk away. I’d also like to see one of the other actresses break a heel and tumble down the carpet, knocking down a few other actors. Maybe give someone a big fat black eye and a torn shirt just in time for the acceptance speech. As you can tell, I’m not much for the “who’s who” gig…
I haven’t watched it in years. I didn’t watch it last night. I’ll probably never watch it in the future. Yet, I love talking about movies. I’m just fucked in the head…
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