Resist it or embrace it; change will come. It happens slowly and you will see the subtle warping and morphing over time but one day, you’ll be standing there and it will hit you like a brick; the original material is all gone and has been completely replaced by the new. And that’s when you have to decide, is the new material why you are here? Or are you here out of memory and misguided allegiance to something that is long ago dead? I’m not sure this is a question most people are ready to answer the moment they realize that change took place.
The first thing I have to question is what point of view those changes took place? I’ve witnessed a lot of changes from within myself. I started coming to these festivals about twelve years ago with a mild curiosity and passing interest in my friend’s event. I liked what I saw and I actively pursued some of the things that interested me about these people. Over the years I found that I was trying to fit myself into their box and it just never worked. I didn’t fit in with the “main-stream” people, I didn’t fit in with the “alternative” people… I decided to just be myself and not fit in anywhere. And that’s when I discovered how I fit in everywhere. The current incarnation of who I am (I say current because hopefully I’m not done growing as a person, more changes should occur) isn’t the guy you’d think goes to these events. But I fell in love with the people, the spirit of the event and though I am not there to partake in their spiritual paths, I find my own spirituality in laughing, loving, serving and smiling with my friends. My adopted Phamily.
I have a bit of fun calling them “damn dirty hippies” in my Cartman voice and all but these people are fucking awesome! They are just like any other cross-section of people from any common background. There is love, there is hate. Joy and pain, smiles and drama. The main difference I find is that these people are society’s castaways. These are the people that don’t fit in (some by choice) so they accept all the rest of the outcasts as one of their kind. They accept me as I am without trying to change me. I have enough respect for their ways that I do not wish to profane them by taking part in them. I am not a believer and so I step aside as they perform their sacred rituals. And it’s not a big deal, no one accosts me about this. Can you imagine if I volunteered at a Christian camp and refused to sit through the sermons or if I refused to pray? Somehow I don’t think I’d find the same level of understanding and tolerance.
During my short time in attendance, I’ve seen the festival I love change. It has been held in three different places since I started coming. All of them have their pros and cons but the land itself has never been awe inspiring. The closest it came to having a physically important landscape was where we just moved from. The place on the Florida/Georgia border was the only place that made me think of the land as important to the festival. The first place I attended just seemed like a wedged-in parking lot, the new place feels like a rented open field. No woods, no water, no life…
But more important than the land, I’ve seen the festival change in substance and that is why I had to evaluate myself before coming to this thought. But I remember the event being spirituality driven. There were several rituals taking place in the circle every day, many people dressed up for the rituals to the point that one felt out of place if you didn’t have a hooded robe or at least a puffy shirt. The rituals themselves were sometimes simple, sometimes elaborate but they always seemed planned. I don’t see that anymore. Every ritual feels made up five minutes beforehand and all the participants appear to be going through the motions. And is that because rituals have become less important to me? I don’t see the pomp and circumstance I associated with these events anymore.
I remember sitting by the fire at one event long ago and a new guy wandered by and tossed his cigarette into the fire. One of the elders I was sitting with reached into the fire and pulled the cigarette butt out of the flames with his bare hands. The sacred fire was that important to him. To us all. But now I’m watching the circle and watching the little orange lights bob up and down as the drummers and dancers puff away and drop their butts on the ground around the fire. You can only pick up so many before you just want to give up.
The drumming has become too important. And I say that as a drummer. We moved back to central Florida and imported drummers to bring in new life and you know what we got? A feeling like we imported drummers. Hired gunslingers that stepped in to save the day and we should kiss their feet for deeming us to be acceptable enough to remain in their presence. (No, not ALL of them, it’s just the general feeling, true or not) You can have it one way or the other: Mediocre drummers that come from and care about the community or professional drummers that step in, do their job and leave with no concern about the overall event. There are a very few drummers that cross over between these two worlds. All of these guys are great people when you meet them one on one. And each of them are phenomenal drummers. But they have little to no interest in being part of the community. The drums are playing while the community is attempting to have an entertainment night. They have their own little camping area, they have their own little language. They know each other, they are familiar with each other. They play together all the time. Since they never visit the main part of the camp, maybe you’ll seek them out to get to know them better. And they’ll welcome you with open arms (they really are nice guys) but within minutes the conversation falls to inside jokes and “remember the time…” tales. You are welcome to stay but you do not belong. Nice guys but hired guns. Fuck, at least Charles Bronson and Steve McQueen shared the food with the villagers…
It’s no longer a pagan festival, it’s a raver festival. We are using the same land as the burners and we have become “burner-lite”. The proliferation of cigarettes in the circle makes it impossible to tell which direction the occasional whiff of pot smoke is coming from. The people flinging glow sticks and hula-hoops all around are making it difficult for the dancers to even make it near the fire at all. In fact, all reverence for the circle, the fire, the drummers and the dancers has been lost and I took part in some ongoing playfulness that would have been UNTHINKABLE just a few short years ago. I hereby chastise myself, I should have gone with my first instincts and treated the circle with more respect. But you know how people always say that respect should be earned and not given? Well that implies that respect can be granted but it can also be lost. I think most people forgotten what that central fire meant to us at one point. It appears to have lost all meaning and respect.
The dancers have become less important. I miss the days when the dancers decided when the song stops. I remember flailing away on the drum, unable to feel anything below my neck and keeping the rhythm flowing to keep the dancers happy. There have been occasions where there was an enthralled dancer riding the rhythm and we kept playing at such a breakneck pace that I split open two of my fingers. Shooting pain in my hands and blood on my drum but we kept fucking playing!
I watched all weekend as the same pattern played out like bad sex: Play drum for ten minutes, get bored, play drum reallyreally fast for two minutes, stop. Every time that happened I watched as dancers were left in the circle shrugging their shoulders asking if that was all?! If I decide I need a date, I’m seeking out these drummers’ obviously unfulfilled wives…
I’ve been distracted, I’ve goofed around. I’ve also been known to double-time my right hand to keep the beat while my left hand reaches down and grabs my bottle of mead. But I’ve seen something this weekend that I’ve never seen before and I guess it was inevitable. Texting while drumming. WTF?
So does all of this mean the festival is bad? That it’s dead? No. It means it has changed. The changes observed are by my “old man self” who liked things the way they used to be. But honestly, would I keep coming back if it was the really the same as it’s always been? Probably not. But changes have come, changes have gone. People are still having fun. People are still coming together and sharing their time, their stories and their love. I cherish the time I spent with my friends this event and I look forward to doing it all again in the fall. I spent some quality time with some of the people I see fairly often. I spent some quality time with some people I know but rarely get to see. I became more familiar with many, I got intimately close with a few. It was refreshing to have good conversation and some wickedly unbridled laughs. It was free. Not that I mean it didn’t cost anything, I mean there were no restrictions. There was an open slate and we used up every inch and even wrote on the back of it. We thoroughly enjoyed our time together and we made plans to get together soon, out from under the festival umbrella because that’s what friends do, they hang out together and I plan on following through with those plans. Some of them are even already in the date book!
The festival has changed, I have changed as well. The first time I attend festival and bring nothing home will be my last. Every trip gives me so much to think about, so many opportunities to learn something about myself and those around me. If there is no other lesson I take away from this event, let it be that I need to get out more, sit down with a cup of coffee and a laugh more. I don’t need to be at a bi-annual event to take off my mask of sanity and allow my true nature to shine through. The people who love me don’t care that I’m a little bit crazy because they’re just as nuts and I am. So I’ll try, but no promises can be made at this point… But if I follow through on that in even the smallest way, I will be happier.
April 12th, 2010 at 7:58 pm
Great post Chris. You have a wonderful writing style that is quite engaging for the reader. I enjoy reading your thoughts.
I’d like to respond to this post as it stirred up that thing that makes me want to do that.
I agree in spirit, I disagree in your focus. The drummers are not to blame, in fact they have been the most consistent element to these festivals for many years now. It is the spirit for the ritual that has gone.
You mention; “Every ritual feels made up five minutes beforehand and all the participants appear to be going through the motions.” I agree.
Yes, everyone was asked to participate…in what? Adding more chaos and input into the 5 minute prep time? To create something “off the cuff” that has no real value or spiritual connection? Why would anyone want to do that? For that matter why would anyone want to attend that?
But, in candor, placing blame is not the answer, solving the problem is the concern. I value this community and put effort into it’s continuance, daily.
Along those lines…
Windanncer and I have are hosting a gathering in December for Yule. It will be held at Summerland in Bonita Springs, December 17-19, 2010. Details will be available on the website http://www.yulelikeit.com as they develop. We decided to do this to create an environment where exactly what you are talking about can have a chance to grow again.
The event will have a Yule ritual “old school” style, involving the drummers and building that energy the old fashioned way. One beat at a time.
Come on down and play with us, help us get it back.
April 13th, 2010 at 11:02 am
I don’t like to respond to things like this because I feel my opinion well.. doesn’t really matter but I do have to say, I have noticed changes even though I’ve only gone to a few and missed the last few.
The first time I attended festival, I was terrified. Even though I knew quite a few people that attended,I was not going to allow my precious baby to go until I checked it out. NOT even her father could convince me to allow her to go without me checking it out first. I didn’t trust what I didn’t know… I’m not a spiritual person, though I grew up believing in GOD, I didn’t really think about it… BUT I knew “God” was going to be pissed I was attending this event, I was terrified of “pagans” because they were “heathens” and was seriously worried I’d be sacrificed in the nearest fire…(even though a few close friends were Pagans,in my mind… I was terrified they lived a double life LOL) Yeah, I’m dramatic but my mind is full of crazy stuff. Anyway… At my arrival, with my heart beating like crazy, Chris holding my hand, he walked me up to a group of people… I met this crazy lady in wildly bright clothes that opened her arms out to me and welcomed me as if I belonged. Like a momma bird protecting her young she walked me around and introduced me to some people telling them I was “Morgan’s” wife and it was my first time. I’d never felt so safe in a place I was so terrified of.. that lady?? Scarlett…Scarlett was awesome that first day, she helped ease my terror and let me see that “Pagan’s” were just normal crazy people like me.
At my very first ritual, I was dragged in almost kicking and screaming – again my imagination got to me and I almost peed myself. Luckily, Chris was smart enough to put me next to Dianne. Though it may have been her coming to me, I don’t remember. They wouldn’t let me ‘stand back” behind the crowd, I was one of them and I needed to share the experience. As I said, I’m not a spiritual person, but I SWEAR!! I felt something that night. I don’t remember who conducted the ritual, but I remember standing there, holding Dianne’s hand and FEELING myself take root like the tree they talked about. I felt my feet attach themselves to the earth, dig into the dirt and take root. I didn’t say anything then… I thought I was just crazy. It took me weeks to tell Chris that I “felt” something. And at the end, when they closed down the circle finally, I cried. I didn’t know why at the time, but I cried. The fire, the phamily, the whole event was wonderful for me and the very next festival, I allowed my daughter to begin attending with us..
The first time can never be repeated but I do have to say, the next few, just never even came close to giving me the feeling like that first. The fire wasn’t bright enough, the people weren’t friendly enough – it seemed the mundane life of FIGHTING bled into our quiet time of communing with nature, friends and spirits. People couldn’t keep their personal negativity away from festival and they carried that chip on their shoulder into the fire/dancing and fun. Every festival I’ve attended I’ve come home crying because of various reasons. The first – well, that was because it was an amazing time and I was sad the energy left me.. After that? The anger of friends fighting,the back stabbing and the disappointment of the lack of respect people show to the fire, the dancers, the drummers etc…
I don’t know the rules and etiquette of fire circle so please..I hope I don’t offend anyone with my ignorance…
I’ve noticed people standing at the ritual fire talking, drinking and smoking instead of dancing – I thought that’s why we had warming fires!! The ritual fire should be there for dancing, trancing and just enjoying that wonderful fire Thom and his crew created for us – not socializing blocking others view of the fire… Of course, I may be wrong – I’m very ignorant to what’s proper..but I myself, would rather sit quietly outside the circle, watch the DANCERS/DRUMMERS and trance to the fire..not watch people socialize, drink and smoke right in front of the fire. Blocking it…
And as for the drummers… I love drumming, I could fall asleep listening to them. I’ve not been to the new location, I’ve not heard the new drumming crew but I do have to say in my opinion, the last few times I’ve been at the drum circle it’s been a test of who has the biggest set of ummm drums… No one seems to want to be a team, it always sounds chaotic because you’ve got the big guys that want to show off and out do everyone and the younger ones struggling to keep up because no one wants to guide them.. I’m not a trancer but I’d really like to know how they are able to trance with all that CHAOS…It’s frustrating.
Changes are welcome, changes are great but… can we keep some stuff? Can we be a phamily instead of letting the mundane crazy hectic stressful life interfere with the love, sprituality and fun of festival???
April 15th, 2010 at 10:08 am
Wow, I’m loving these responses. I waited for a couple days to reply, hoping more people would chime in. I’m also hesitant to reply to my own posts because it seems a bit narcissistic but it was pointed out to me that I should respond more often so…
Looking back at what I wrote and reading it without the voice inflections and hearing what I meant and not what I wrote, I can see how it may look like I was blaming the drummers. That was not my intention. The “hired gun” feeling I get is more of a symptom, not a cause. I enjoy sitting in with the drummers and the music plays all night, no complaints about the drummers whatsoever. My only observation was that the overall event seems to have lost its spirituality and I think I see that reflected in the many of the participant’s lack of reverence for something as basic as the central fire circle.
It also comes down to what each individual person expects from “holy ground”. The problem could just be that I hold it too high. As someone who is no longer a practicing spiritual pagan, I have no particular problem with the “all party, no rules” kind of attitude. Except for the fact that I love many of the pagans who attend and one of the ways I show that is by respecting their ways, sometimes more so than even they do. When I attended my mother and father’s church services, I bowed my head at the appropriate times and would have been upset at anyone acting up during their service. When I attended my friend’s synagogue, I wore a yarmulke. I’m not a Christian or a Jew, but I showed respect for people I love. To me, even though I’m no longer a participant, that fire circle is holy ground and I am disappointed when I see it treated as party central. When I walked that path I felt special every time I walked into that area. Sometimes I would just go and sit and feel the power I gave that circle reflected back onto me. I entered at a particular point, I always walked and drummed barefoot, I walked only in a certain direction and when I left I made sure it was in a particular place… I was not the only one, I picked up those behaviors from those around me. And I taught them to those who followed after. I just don’t see it very often anymore and since I’m not “in the craft”, I have no grounds to “correct” these issues (real or imagined) and even if I did, would my interference be interpreted as meddling or badgering?
I like your “fix it, make it better” call to action. Stepping up to fix a problem is also becoming a rare tradition… I like the direction you are going with that but can this solve the problem I am seeing at Phoenix? Lead by example, instruct others in the ways of this community’s accepted etiquette and protocols. Stand up for that which is important to you. What I’m seeing leads me to believe that these things are no longer important to a large number of the attendees. So, there really isn’t a problem, it’s just the memories and expectations in my head. If or when these things become important to the community again, we’ll see people stepping up and establishing these protocols once again. As an outside observer I think much of the problem is the inherent resistance to rules that attracted these people in the first place…
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And Teresa, what can I say? What you wrote moved me to tears. I wish I could give you what you felt that night. I know you’ve felt it in small doses at other moments but like a drug, nothing matches the exhilaration of that first hit. Don’t let the disappointment of the other short-circuited events dissuade you from trying again, and again, and again…
You are not alone in your shyness or reluctance to dance around the fire. There are many people that (used to) gather around the fire to partake in the magic of the circle without actually entering the circle. In fact, one of the dancers you and I know and love told me that she feels self-conscious to the point of almost passing out every time she walks into the circle. So some won’t dance, some can’t because of some injury or other ailment so they gather around the outer rim of the circle. But just as you’ve noted, I’ve seen that number drop off and I have to agree that much of it has to do with the large congregations of people just standing by the fire, not dancing, not walking, just blocking the fire from anyone on the outer rim. When I’m drumming and I get blocked, it is very distracting. I play on, eventually the gaggle moves on but they are sapping the energy from anyone who can’t walk up to the fire. It’s kind of like watching the parades in Disney. You’ve got a good spot picked out and when the excitement starts, everyone puts their kids on their shoulders and you can’t see shit. Unfortunately, you’re not the type to knock down little kids…
But overall, there seems to be very little religion left in the circle. I’m all for the social aspects of the festival but you are not the only one who recognizes that loss of spirit you feel.
And of course your opinion counts, you are an important person in several of our lives and I know that many of us are awaiting your triumphant return to festival!
April 15th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
OK fine..ya sucked me into the conversation. Let me say up front, I have not been able to attend in a couple of years.
My initial “I am done with this” was replaced with Scouting. I was “done” with the behind the scenes BS that always occured. I loved “working” at featival, but began longing to “attend” festival. I miss the OLD days where reverance was so very inportant. I hold that fire in my heart like it is my lifes blood. To see it disrespected is heart breaking. To see festival become a battle ground for 6 months worth of anger built up from the last festival…very painful. And the “after-glow” replaced with exhaustion and saddness. Just can’t do it. and no matter how hard to try to HIDE from the yuckies…ya still get sucked in…
I am a practicing spiritual person. I “pray” everyday, but I miss standing in sacred space with my friends. I miss the pomp and circumstance of ritual. Ritual has a very important purpose, to put you in the right mind frame for receiving spiritual guidance. That is very important to me. It’s a time to forget about the mundane world and dance with your soul. To dance with the souls of your friends that have come with you.
I would love to attend festival again, but alas, that will not be happening. I have been raked over the coals and have the scars to prove it. I have been told by more than one person, that my attendance would not be a good idea, chaos will occur. That I have made enemies with my bluntness and honesty and with my refusal to be treated like I don’t matter.
Regarding the drummers/drumming….ARGH…I am a drummer/dancer/trancer/watcher. I am one that does NOT care that you talk about me while I dance. That I am laughed at for being too old to dance…I have been told that because I am skinny, I make others uncomfortable with my “lewd” dancing. All of these things don’t matter one fucking bit, if Spirit moves me to move me..fuck the rest. ya know
And I SUCK at drumming..granted I can hold a beat, and have even learned a few specific “songs”…I still suck…but I still drum. The big guns can just be that way..they love themselves ….
I don’t know what has happened to “festivals” in general. What I do know is that this is being experienced at other festivals as well. Maybe it’s time to go back to the basics…make Ritual the MAIN focus again. Make people want to be part of it, bring back the pomp and circumstance. The need for grand garb and bells and fairy dust!
For me it seems that just because you are like-minded in the spiritual world does not mean you will get along…duh….
Tree, I know the feeling of which you speak and seek, and it is attainable in your own home..I swear..
I support the festivals and I feel they are a vital part of the pagan path. But for me, I am doing better with choosing who I circle with, knowing they have no agenda and are coming together for the same feeling.
And I don’t have the time or patience to deal with the BS anymore..my choice, and I like it.