Hello and goodbye!
A new beginning has just opened up the windows and let a little fresh air into my cave. I was suffocating in my old blog, unable to express myself as I see fit at that moment in time. Created in 2004 before the “blogging craze” exploded onto the web, I had no idea what I was in for. I taught myself just enough HTML code to be dangerous and experimented with an on-line journal of sorts. Years later I am trapped in a fishbowl of my own choosing. Upgrades and server changes, the blog followed. And I liked that performance/audience relationship. Until…
I realized I couldn’t be honest anymore. With close friends and family watching, I had to be careful of what I said about people. That’s not really much of a problem, the REAL problem comes from the fact that I am a little bit fucked up in the head. Some people call it Manic/Depression, others call it Bi-Polar Disorder… I just call it being me. (Although the Manic/Depression tag is a lot sexier because of Jimi Hendrix…) I’m a dark and brooding asshole at times. I usually get over it pretty fast but occasionally it lingers. It’s been lingering a LOT lately.
And when I post something of a darker nature on the “family blog”, I get comments telling me to “get help” or “grow up”. I can do neither. Getting help means admitting I am wrong for having these feelings. Growing up just means I have been dismissed as acting childish. As if I controlled how I feel. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HOW I FEEL! I do have of control over how I act (for the most part). I play nice, I pretend to be happy, I try my best to fit in to the little square they expect of me. But now I have no place left to vent my frustrations and purge the darkness.
So I have solved the problem with creating this new blog. I am not giving this url to anyone I know. I can come here and ramble on and on without worrying about how I am perceived.
I am in my late 30′s, I am not a child. I have been battling this crushing wall of darkness my entire life and I haven’t given in yet. So when I’m upset and I want to purge a little by writing dreadful and dreary blog posts, I don’t have to worry about my loved ones calling the suicide prevention hotline on me. I’m not dumb enough to check out of this world but when I’m down and I’m contemplating it, I don’t want people chastising me for my thoughts.
Enough for now, this is simply an introduction. I’ll check back when I’m feeling particularly ugly.
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