Not that any of you are early risers or anything but if any of you want to see one of the aspects of what I do for a living, tomorrow morning on the “Today” show (7am) they are going to show one of the new WBIs I’ve been working on. I don’t know when it will appear in the show and I don’t know how much they’ll show but we’ve had a crew setting up the gear in Rockefeller Plaza this week for the show. Not sure how cool it will be but hey, everyone always wants to know just what the hell it is that I do when I leave the house. So here you go. I’m not sure if I’ll be up at 7am, if I miss it let me know how it goes.
Speaking of how I make my living, I am a little concerned about the apathy of my housekeeping staff. Normally everyone is concerned about hotel housekeeping going through their stuff and stealing things, I’m concerned about just the opposite…
I got out of a conference call meeting and went down for breakfast. I am so tired of the airport and the hotel so I went out for a ride. More about that later. (Remind me to tell you about the $185,000 pear)
When I got back from the drive, housekeeping had already made up the room. I sat back down at the desk to do some work and I realized that I left my notes out on the desk. I’ve got blueprints for the airport, schematics for X-Ray machines and hand written notes about a “Suicide Bomber Detection Unit” laying out around my computer. How can someone see all that and NOT call the FBI? Apathy, it can be dangerous. Encouraging people to stick their noses into other people’s business? Doesn’t sound like me does it? It was just an observation…
When I was out on my drive I saw a motorcycle with a license plate that said “Under 21″ on it. Good idea but isn’t there already a law about drinking and driving? I mean if a cop sees you drinking a beer while driving, is he really going to check your plate to see if you are of age? And what happens when someone borrows the bike?
I was looking for something to do and I saw the Jackie Gleason Theater with all of the hand/foot prints like you get in Hollywood. I also saw that his gravesite is only a few blocks from the hotel. So when I went back I drove by and checked it out just to see it. It is a large columned couch type of thing and on the top step leading up to the couch it is inscribed with “And away we go!” I thought that shit was sooo funny.
I drove around Palm and Star Islands admiring the million dollar houses with multi-million dollar yachts parked in front of them. If you like people watching there is no place on Earth like South Beach. The entire strip is fronted by open-air cafes, restaurants and bars. Half of them are playing Cuban music and the other half are playing 80′s synth-pop. The “$185K pear” story comes in right here. When I left the hotel I grabbed a pear from the bar. I sat it on the seat next to me and drove off and forgot all about it. While driving down here at the beach, you have to make lots of sudden stops because people jump out in front of you, scooters and motorcycles drive in between cars and everything is parallel parking which makes for a lot of doors opening into traffic. Granted, you’re only going 5-10 MPH but you still have to slam on the brakes. When I did, the pear rolled off the seat, hit the console and rolled under my feet. I didn’t want it to get under the brake or gas pedal so I tried to fish it out from under me. I only took my eyes off the road for a second (famous last words) and when I looked up I saw red. Honestly, all I saw was the side of bright red car. When I saw the little yellow sticker with the black rearing horse on it, I knew I was fucked. I couldn’t hit a Yugo or a Pinto? I have to T-bone a Ferrari!?!?! Luckily, the driver was quick and pulled out faster than I thought. All I got for the trouble was a minor heart attack and a shattered ear drum from that high-pitched Ferrari horn. It wouldn’t have mattered that he was wrong and that he pulled out in front of me, when a rented PT Cruiser hits a Ferrari, guess who has the better lawyer…
So I make the mistake of turning the television on when I get back to the room. I have a few minutes before my next meeting and figured I’d vege-out and relax. I flip the channels and of course there is nothing on that interests me. I do find a History Chanel program all about refrigeration and cryogenics that I start to watch but the storm knocked out the reception. Somehow I still get half of the other channels so instead of turning the damn thing off I continue to search for something to numb my brain. I come across a charity drive for African kids. I normally flip past this because I have very strong feeling about this (and I hate Sally Struthers) but the lady on the program looked familiar. It turned out to be Marsha Brady. Yes, I know she has a real name but that’s like calling Jack Klugman anything but Quincy (too obscure?) In the plea she says that these kids are living in dirty, horrible, dilapidated shacks and the camera pans to show rooms that you or I would consider substandard but they were clean and dry at least. I’ve always wanted some self-important celebrity to say their line about these miserable shacks and have some African man standing next to her slap the shit out of her and say, “Bitch, this is my HOME you are talking about!” Stop holding the world to your standards. Help them but don’t judge them. To be honest, if I were living in that part of the world, that house looked like excellent lodging to me. Just because it doesn’t rate the same as the 5 star hotel Maureen stays at while filming all this doesn’t mean it isn’t someone’s home.
I am so tired of our attempt to make this planet the third mall from the sun. What drives these people to push out into the wilderness and force their standard of living, their religion and their form of government on everyone they meet? You know, it just might be possible that a small tribe of people living in grass huts, worshiping the sun and moon and ruled by the strongest tribesman can be happy without you or your way of life. They might even be happier. They don’t give a shit what the price is for a gallon of gas. They don’t have to pick up little Susie from soccer practice and then make it to the orthodontist in time to rush over to Wal-Mart and pick up the latest DVDs for $7. I’m all for capitalism and consumerism but take it easy.
And they just might be happy praying to the sun and moon. Does your incarnation of deity grant your every wish? Nope. Flip a coin, I’ll bet your god gives you about half of all reasonable requests. You know why? Because that’s life. Some perversion of the law of averages tells you can have just about half of what you ask for, given that you ask for mundane things. You only pray for things that are close to happening anyway. “Dear lord, please let me make an A on my report card” when you haven’t even shown up to class is not a prayer, it is a request for a miracle. And the great thing about miracles is that you never get upset when he doesn’t follow through on them. So the same prayer offered up by a student that is already hovering between the A and B grade will either happen or it will not. 50% Half of the time you get what you want, half of the time you won’t. Asking for two new computers and expecting one to show up just because that’s half of your prayer… I am not even going into that level of perversion of the law.
But the sun and moon give this imaginary tribe the same percentage. Just about half. Abundant crops, a good hunt, the health of a child. And you know what it gives them that most other world religions don’t give their faithful followers? It gives them proof. The sun and the moon exist. They can look at the faces of their gods and know they are up there. Can the rest of the planet say the same thing?
And government of the people, by the people and for the people sounds like a great idea but we haven’t seen that in a long time. What makes us think that we should interject Democracy around the globe when we haven’t even perfected it here at home? I believe the people that don’t trust the government and are unhappy with the government are in the majority. Some people will tell you they believe in and trust the government, some people will tell you they are happy with the government but MOST people will tell you they agree that the system is broken. We had a good idea and it got corrupted. Republican or Democrat, it doesn’t matter anymore. The political system in this country broke down a long, long time ago and it is facing meltdown. The only way it is sustaining itself is the media drawing arbitrary lines and making a fuss over every perceived difference. Do you believe our government is perfect? No. Then why do we want to spread in imperfect system?
The tribesmen follow the strongest hunter because they know she will get them fed. Or they follow the wisest old man because he can give them knowledge that will keep them out of trouble. Or maybe they have a contest to see who will lead the tribe. In any case, name a president in our recent history that was capable of doing anything other than being a politician. Can he kill and skin a goat? Will he lead our people to clean water? Will he entertain us with stories of our ancestors? No. He will continue the system that only allows wealthy families of power to maintain that power.
Yes, it is quite possible and I will even say probable that this imaginary tribe is happier than we are. That is of course, until the day Gloria Stivic and Marsha Brady come along and tell them about how “good” life is beyond this village, how God will burn them in Hell if they don’t submit before him and how the rest of the world is at war killing each other. The tribe’s children are intrigued with the cool new things the outsiders have brought, the hunters and workers embrace the technology that makes their hard life just a bit easier and the elders of the community adopt the new religion out of persistence and fear. Yet another functioning culture destroyed by our desire to colonize every square inch of the planet. Yay for us! Put down the plow and your spear, pick up your iPod. We’ve conquered another land of living spirits and we claim this territory in the name of Microsoft and Starbucks!
What the fuck gets me into these moods?!?! Sorry guys I’ll try to be a kindler, gentler me tomorrow…
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