I can’t come up with an appropriate line here. I start typing and I end up deleting it because I just can’t get an entire thought out without screaming! The only consistent line I keep typing is “Fuck everything!” in all caps and about a hundred exclamation points behind it.
Nobody with half a brain ever said life was fair. Some try to manipulate the odds by laying their burdens on some kind of supreme being, others roll the dice and still others work toward their goals. But somewhere, sometime, your hard work has to pay off. Otherwise, why work at all?
We are in the new house. We have had several false starts on selling the old house. Each time it fell through it was because of some issue out of my control. Now it’s been several months of us paying both mortgages, both utilities and I’m just about tapped out. The latest buyers are ready to move in, already planning their first repairs and all. But the paperwork is in the hands of some douchebag in a loan office that is complaining that she is overworked and can’t get to our paperwork for another 30 days. We were supposed to close tomorrow and we just get word today that we’re another month away. Another month of double payments, another month for the buyers to lose interest. All of our dreams of getting new furniture, big televisions and toys vanished a couple of months ago. Now we are just hoping to be able to hang on to the house without losing everything we already have. We are in deep shit here folks.
There are millions of others out there with problems so much worse than ours and a lot of them are in those situations for no reason other than chance. And that is JUST my point. Why bother trying? Why do we make the attempt to climb the pile if we have no say in making it to the top? My current dilemma is financial and of my own doing. But I’m working toward a goal. If my hard work was sufficient to get us here but the final decision is left in the hands of fate, why did I even bother trying? If my odds are just as good as the guy who wakes and bakes before working a shift at the local McDonalds, why the fuck do I work so hard?
I am dying out here. I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss my life! But I’m working hard so my family can have fun and enjoy life. Do we need a bigger house? No, but with all the hard work I’m doing I should be able to get a thing or two that we want. And now everything is slipping away because some bitch in an office doesn’t want to do a little extra paperwork. I have no control over this woman. I have no control over the outcome of this situation. I have busted my ass to get here and now my entire financial future is a series of coin flips.
All she ever wanted was this house and some nice furniture. I can’t even give her that much. I work toward it but it feels like climbing a pile of wet sand, the closer I get to the top, the more sand crumbles and falls down on top of me. I really am near the point of throwing up my arms, grabbing the things we need and living in a cardboard box downtown. Why not? Hard work hasn’t rewarded me with anything yet, maybe apathy and despair will. Fuck the world, fuck everything!
This sucks!
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