Futility. That’s the word I was looking for earlier. Defeat might be a little too strong. Not too strong for how I felt at the moment but in the long run, defeat wouldn’t be right. I don’t have the hardest job in the world but for a guy that loves his family and friends, it might be one of the hardest things for me to be away ALL the time like this. And to think that all my efforts resulted in nothing… Futility. Yeah, that’s the right word.
So now that this whole thing has brought me down, I have been dwelling on words like Futile and Dream and Why. I have been thinking a lot about “why” and have decided that it might be the more important word I’ve been contemplating. Futility happens to just about everyone. Dreams vary from person to person and even within a person dreams change from moment to moment. When I was a kid my dream was to own a farm in Georgia and drive around in an orange Dodge with my friend Chip. Dreams change, life doesn’t always go your way and in the end you are left with, WHY.
I think “why” is what separates people into groups. In a good way. It makes us define ourselves. It makes us look at our goals and dreams. It also makes us look our greed in the face and determine if the greed has become too much. Why do I get up and go to work every day? Why do I do the best I can, even when it doesn’t count? Why do I always strive for better? Why do I care?
I do these things because that’s who I am. It defines me. I work hard, I do my best, I want better. Better out of me and better out of those around me. The latter part of that is a major source of my frustration… If I decided to quit my job and started working at a non-though job, it wouldn’t be me. It I stopped pushing the limits, it wouldn’t be me. If I stopped caring, you’d all notice it in a heartbeat, because that just isn’t me.
So please pardon my outburst from earlier, everyone gets a chance to blow off some frustration don’t they? I’ll get up from the tantrum I was throwing on the floor, dust myself off and we’ll get through this. If I had to find a silver lining I’d have to think of it like this: Teresa wanted those hardwood floors so badly, now that she’s got them, why cover them all up with new furniture and stuff? And it will change soon enough. We’ll fill the house a little at a time and it will all work out in the end. I was just a bit pissed off when we’ve gone from having enough to load up with cool stuff, to wondering if we’ll have enough left to stay out of debt. And we’ve still got our big empty house. Teresa busted my self-righteous anger bubble earlier by reminding me that it may be empty of crap but it’s full of love. Cheesy line but how do you stay angry after that?
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