Ultra-Super-Meh

Apparently what I wrote a couple of days ago really sounded harsh because a few of you asked me about it and all of you kept your comments under the radar by private e-mails, phone calls or asked in person.  I’m fine, I’m just a bit blah.  It was a general comment and while one person set me off on my rant, it’s something that a lot of people do.  I’m just coming to the realization that I’ll never get a second chance with some people, I’ll always be “damaged goods”.  So, I have thought about it and I have come to a resolution that makes everyone happy…

Fuck ‘em all!  They don’t value me and I don’t need the bullshit.  Problem solved.

Yeah, maybe just a bit harsh but I don’t care anymore.  It’s costing me too much energy (nrg I don’t have) to worry about how this or that person will react when I say something.  Even worse, I give less than a burning rat turd about the special reactions of someone else, just because you decided they were important to you.  That’s not how it works, years of personal chemistry can not be transferred onto “the new person” just because you want it that way.  I’m happy, several people around me like me, I can meet new people.  Just because we used to be close doesn’t mean we always will be.  You are allowed to change how you feel about me and I am allowed to decide to stop giving a shit about your special “hot button” issues that I have to be careful about.  Fuck you and you and you.

This is normally where people write about how this isn’t targeted toward any specific people or whatnot but you know what, I don’t care.  If you’re the type to read this and take it personal, then yeah, it is about you.  I’m far too busy to cater to the perpetually broken egos of fragile people and immature leeches.  Move on, go your own way, ships in the night, we grew apart… whatever helps you sleep at night, just get the fuck out!

This goes for every single person out there.  Friends, lovers, playmates, I love you all.  But if you’re done with me, tell me so.  I promise it will hurt less than dragging this out for years and years.  I’m done with being the only person working in a relationship.  If you feel like I should be begging at your feet making up for a past offense or stepping on broken glass and wording things special around you, be gone!  I owe you nothing and I have no more patience for you.  You know how I am and I will no longer apologize for being myself.  I no longer require your validation.

I feel as though I am a good enough person that I’m not declaring myself to be hereby totally insensitive, I’m just allowing some loose baggage to either float away or hop back on board.  Either way is fine by me but make a decision, I’m not waiting any longer.

Wow, I swear that wasn’t supposed to creep out like that.  I was going to write a short little blurb about how things have been going but once I got back into the feeling it just came out…

I have been feeling rather edgy and anxious.  I know it’s because the trip home is over and I’ll fly out tomorrow morning.  Luckily I got to see most of the people I wanted to see.  The visits weren’t nearly long enough with some of you but it’s better than not getting by to see you at all.  I missed a few people but they were too busy and I totally get that.  As busy as I was, it was nice to hear that other people were even busier than me.  I get the rare satisfaction of being the one turned down rather than being the guilty one blowing off other people…  I like it.

Late December/early January is when people are supposed to reflect on the past year and I’d have to give 2008 a passing review.  If I listed all the good things that happened last year I’d be here all day.  The bad is always on my mind but this time the good far outweighs the bad.  Even if it were a shit year, Teresa and Becca are healthy and happy and that’s all I really care about.

So go forth, multiply and divide, add and subtract.  Have a great day, do it again tomorrow and build up a great 2009.