Well well well… I finally join back in the conversation…
After the great computer crash I stopped putting any personal files or apps on the work laptop. Now I’ve started carrying Teresa’s old laptop until I can afford my new computer. I have just about rebuilt everything. I actually recovered the password to my WP account earlier in the week but just couldn’t bring myself to post anything up here. I’ve just been dead inside. The road is killing me slowly, one day at a time. Minute by minute I can feel my humanity rot, dry and crack, leaving me an empty machine that earns a paycheck and comes home long enough to wash clothes and clean the fish tank. I am no longer a person, I am an income-bot. I have no soul.
Job related travel can be fun but not when it’s all you do. The luster wears off rather quickly and you stop looking for things to do and start looking for ways to kill time. I finally understand the allure of coma-inducing drugs. I fight the urges to hide but even in new cities, it’s all the same. There are a limited number of times that you can ask for a “table for one” before you just don’t want to go out anymore. I reached that number a year ago. Now I mostly see these cities from windows. Airplanes, hotels, rental cars. A prisoner of my hotel room. I have no cash to explore the city in style, I have no friends to share in my misery and I work too many hours to get drunk enough that I don’t care…
Today I drove by the “Palmer House” hotel. A line from an old Robert Preston movie came to mind and I turned my head and actually opened my mouth before I realized I had no one to talk to.
I am reflection, I am shadow. I am an idea, an image as real as any movie. Creative lies projected against a white sheet. Conjured ghosts from a former time, feelings captured on film. False memories help bring me to life, the man who is never there but still lives to haunt your thoughts.
Old friends have forgotten my name. New friends never get to know me.
I am alone.
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February 9th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Oh my Brother!! You are so very missed!! Please know your plight is not carved in stone….there is a light at the end of the tunnel…..we are here thinking of you everyday. This is the first place I check in the morning, to see how your doing.
You are important, you are someone…you are loved!!!
February 9th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Thank you for your thoughts. I know it will come to an end at some point soon. Every one gets the blues, I just happen to have a loudspeaker hooked up to mine!
Haven’t seen you in a while, we should make plans to hang out. We miss you!
February 9th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Yes, we DO need to make plans. Remember to not let making a living get in the way of making a life.
Again I must say to you… you are someone…you do matter…and you are missed!! Get it…got it… Good!!!
Love ya Bro!!