Maybe this isn’t the best place to write this, maybe this should be for my journal but when I woke this morning, I knew this was the place I would write today.
This had to have been the worst night of sleep I’ve ever had, I’m surprised at how awake I feel right now but the pressure is crushing my chest and I need to write what I dreamed. I have crazy dreams, I remember few but when I remember, I hate those dreams; they hurt. So tell me, why do I have three dreams in one night and all three dreams are so vivid in my mind this morning, so vivid I can’t close my eyes for fear that I see them over and over again. Devastation, pain and horror, it crawls inside me this morning that I’m terrified. So terrified that after the third dream I woke at 5 am refusing to go back to sleep, refusing to close my eyes. I am so scared, I hate my dreams.
Dream 1
Pagan, Pagan HERE, Pagan where the hell are you? Pagan come on! Come inside! Damn dog, where is he??? He’s here, He’s over here – HURRY. OH GOD NO! Not now, please not now. I see him up in front of me, I’m racing to him, I see the seizures convulsing his body, I’m not going to reach him in time, I can’t help. OH GOD HELP, I can’t help him. I reach him, fall to my knees, cradle his head in my lap and the seizures stop, he takes his last breath, he is at peace… NO!!!!! I wake with a sob in my throat and absolute pain in my heart. I immediately jump out of my bed, race through the house trying to find him. I found him safe and sound sleeping with his head next to Becca’s on her bed. The phone is now lying next to me on my pillow, I’m terrified it will ring.
Dream 2
Another Pagan dream.. We always set food out for the dogs in the morning and leave it there all day. At 8pm whether they have empty bowls or full bowls we pick them up off the floor so that they don’t decide to eat in the middle of the night and then have to use the bathroom. It’s been something we’ve done for years and the dogs have no problem with this. In my dream it was 8pm and I walked over to the bowls. Pagan followed me and as I bent down to pick up the bowls he bit me. Not a snap but an actual bite. Blood welled up on my hand. I smacked him on the nose and bent again to pick the bowl. He bit me a second time and I was angry – I smacked him hard upside the head reached down and grabbed the bowl, threw it on the counter and turned back to him. At that second, I woke myself up. My hand was throbbing, I had to turn on the light to check for damage. I checked the house again, nothing out of place, dogs sleeping peacefully, I tried again to sleep.
Dream 3
We’re at my old house, it’s converted into a tourist business. Chris is entertaining his friend Fred up front while I’m in the back trying to get dressed. Becca is there, Zephyr is there and my oldest and dearest friend is there. Don’t know why he’s in the room with me while I’m changing but… well he’s there, I am happy, I am content. I hear a commotion up front and run to see what’s up – another of Chris’s friends has shown up – He lives so far away we’re surprised he’s come by for a visit. I’m so happy he’s here, the three of them were inseparable when they were younger, it was nice to see them back together again. I walked up to him for a big hug. I’m so happy he’s here! He hugs me and kisses my cheek then pulls back to “look” at me. The first words out of his mouth, his way of greeting is…”You look…gamey” GAMEY? I know I don’t stink and he said I “look” gamey. I then realize he’s disappointed and thinks I’m fat, ugly and plain. I’m heartbroken and embarrassed. Chris is furious with me. He yells at me and tells me to go to my room and try to look a little better the next time I come out. He’s disgusted with me and my appearance and had not trouble showing it in front of his two best friends. I’ll show them, I’ll be beautiful, breathtaking when I come back out of my room. OH I’m so ashamed! I don’t know what happens after that because my dream then changes, almost like a TV drama where it switches characters… I’m at work, I’ve got a lovely little group of elderly people wanting a tour. Something happened to the restaurant we were going into so we had to wait a few minutes for our reservations. The group was getting restless and I noticed at the bottome of a hill a little group of actors were performing. I offered to take the group over and they agreed. The performance was at the bottom of this hill. The hill was all cement with a steep incline – at the bottom of the hill was the stage and at the stage a slight “baricade” where the people were on one side, the actors on the other. I had just settled my group down when a sudden rain storm hit, I immediately got on my radio to call it in. As I was trying to get my group in out of the rain, I noticed this little old lady running down the hill, she was wearing a gray jogging suit (one of those fleece types) and she had white hair. She was running and running as fast as she could, almost as if she couldn’t stop – the decline of the hill was amazingly steep. I screamed to her, knowing there was no way to catch her, I screamed, “DON’T RUN, SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN PLEASE! I screamed over and over and she just looked over at me with this manical grin, her eyes wide and just kept running. I kept screaming until my voice went hoarse… until she reached the baricade in front of the stage, she kept going even when her body stopped, flipping over the baricade to land on the ground. I watched her grab her neck as it swelled, as it snapped and woke myself up with a scream. It was 5am and after 3 horrific dreams in one night, I refused to close my eyes. I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling wondering why I had these dreams and why I can remember them so vividly.
I’ve watched no horror films, the books I’ve been reading have been romance, love, tenderness and beauty. Why do I have these dreams? What do they mean and why are they still sitting/lurking behind my eyes? Trouble is coming, I can feel it. I just wish I knew what it was…..
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