Today’s pile of bile is brought to you by the letter X. Okay, may the letter R. In either case, it’s not Disney rated…
An open letter to the woman I was behind at the airport today:
Dear strange lady in the neon green micro skirt,
I know you don’t know me and I in no way mean to impugn your mother’s maternal skills but I just felt you may need a refresher course on public behavior. I know you must have a lot going on in your busy little day, what with grooming your lap rat and all (or was it a dog?) And from time to time little things like manners and decorum can slip from your vapid mind. So with your heavy load in mind, I wish to serve as a gentle reminder of one of the basic rules most women seem to have mastered by the time they are twelve years old: Please remember to wear some kind of underwear when you wear a skirt that is the length of a common sweatband. ESPECIALLY when you ride the escalator…
Another little tip if you don’t mind my input so far dear: Please restrain your boyfriend (use a leash if you must) from feeling you up when you wear this Lilliputian whore’s uniform. Thanks for the free show and all but really, the escalator ride was long enough to make me feel uncomfortable while too short for me to join in the fun. The vision of his hand halfway up your exposed ass is not one I will soon forget. I attempted to avert my gaze but really, when your eyes are less than a foot from this kind of action, the damage is done before I knew what I had seen.
I am an open-minded guy and might have disregarded the incident as youthful indiscretion, a little exhibitionism if you will. But I imagine that if you had intended to make the display public you would have… ah… cleaned house? Stubble looks good on some things. John Wayne, Sam Elliot even Don Johnson, but not on your… um… not on you.
Thanks for the view but no thanks.
Signed,
Anonymous airport guy that wishes he wasn’t there in official capacity so he could have said something to you without getting fired.
Really, who would ever have guessed that I would be so upset as seeing something like that?
George Carlin is dead. Sad. He was my first exposure to “intelligent comedy”. I have since found Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks but Carlin was always king. I really like someone who can make me laugh and make me think simultaneously. I secretly recorded the audio from my dad’s VHS copy of “Carlin at Carnegie” and listened to that all the time. Somewhere around the time he was talking about the psychotic Rice Krispies you can hear the kitchen phone ringing because all I did was hold a microphone up to the TV speaker. I must have been 11 or 12 years old and I was imitating/memorizing his routine in my bedroom in the basement. I’ve been an avid fan ever since. The one thing that kills me is what I have been calling the “Carlin phenomenon”. It is closely related to the “Weird Al” phenomenon. As anyone who has downloaded music from a “less than reputable site” will tell you, any dick with a microphone can record a filk or parody song and put it out there. If it makes it to the net, someone will label any funny song as “Weird Al”. This happens with e-mails that have any bit of sarcasm or wit to them. They will be erroneously credited to George Carlin. This is frustrating because I get 50 e-mails a week about socio-political issues and all of them are credited to Carlin and none of them sound like anything he’d say. I guess it means something to have gained notoriety to the point that people categorize entire genres as “Carlinesque”.
Teresa and I talk all the time about how all the people we watched or listened to while growing up, will (or should) die before we do. We’ve got a running list of people that we think are going next. George Carlin slipped in under my radar. Every time we go to see him he looks older but I just never added him to the list. The next person on my list is Mel Brooks. Some would say he already died with “Spaceballs”.
So in memorial to the great Carlin all I have to say is; Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits! Yes they are in order and no I didn’t have to look them up. I can quote most of the Carlin canon like scripture.
Motley Crue.
Still here? Well if anyone is still reading this, Motley Crue is the third reunited 80′s band I’ve listened to this month. They just put out a new CD. Actually it comes out tomorrow but I’ve been listening to it for a week now. The Japanese import was released last week and I’ve been listening to it with aid from my “special antenna”. I wish I could tell you I’m not a fan but I’d be lying. They are the seminal 80′s hair metal band and I was really into them back then. Their first two CDs are still in regular rotation on my iPod. I don’t own anything past “Dr. Feelgood” and I wasn’t too happy with that release either. The new title track is good. It sounds like something that could have come off of “Girls, Girls, Girls”. The rest of the CD is a letdown. Weak and watered down. This band is supposed to make you want to party, drink, fight and fuck. This CD makes me feel like I’m one of the last guys left at the bar at closing time. The smell of stale whisky permeates the air and the floor is sticky with blood and beer. There are no hot chicks around, just a bunch of old guys that didn’t know when to push away from the bar and go home. I’ll probably buy it anyway because I do like “Saints of Los Angeles” and I’m hoping the rest of the CD grows on me. I want to like it. Really I did. I didn’t want anyone to KNOW that I liked it but I was really hoping for a good new Crue album. This isn’t it, I guess we all grew up and the party is over…
So I leave you with my two favorite quotes about Shakespeare because the bard has been on my mind recently. When you’re stuck for a plot point you go back to see how the masters did it.
The first quote comes from a podcast called “Movies You Should See”. They were discussing movie villains and someone mentioned Christopher Plummer as the Shakespeare quoting Klingon, General Chang. One guy argues, “The fact that he quotes Shakespeare doesn’t make him scary. Hell, every damn character in ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ quotes Shakespeare through the whole damn play and there’s nothing scary about them!”
The better quote is from a guy who isn’t known for saying much of anything. No, not Silent Bob. Teller from “Penn &” fame. I read an article about his upcoming production of my favorite play, Macbeth. “Never read a Shakespeare play before you see it. That’s as hard as reading an orchestral score without hearing an orchestra play it.”
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