JUST as things were starting to look like they’d be alright. I mean within days of finally seeing the sunlight after a year of financial doom/gloom… WTF!? This really just happened to me! I’m breaking down the conversations into my own language but overall, I think I just got fucked.
[September; Still adjusting to the severe decrease in pay. Struggling with the bills but not falling behind yet. Receive package from bank]
“Hey there Mr. Morgan. We know times are tough and we see that you were a couple days late on a few payments this year. As part of the financial restructuring process all of America is going through, we’d like to offer you the chance to apply for some assistance with your mortgage payments.”
[Application sent]
“Well it looks like you qualify for six months of lowered payments. Here is a payment schedule. You’ll be making just over half of your normal mortgage payment until February and then we’ll talk again to see if you’re back on track or if maybe we need to extend this program.”
[Shocked, amazed that the system is working in my favor for once.]
[All six payments made on time. The six month breather really helped. I call them before the March payment to resume the normal payment.]
“Okay Mr. Morgan, we’ll look at the system here. You may qualify for further assistance. May I ask your Age, Sex and Race?”
[Information given]
“I’m sorry, you are ineligible for any further programs and the full amount is now past due.”
[Questions asked, concerns raised, clarification requested]
“Yes sir, the outstanding balance of what you were not paying during the six months is now due in full. Will you be paying that online today?”
[Please explain this to me as if I were six years old...]
“Imagine you bought a toy from me and you were paying me $10 a month and suddenly I offered to let you pay $5 a month for half a year. Now the half a year is up and in addition to this month’s regular $10 payment, I want the other $30 you thought was going to get tacked on to the end and I want it right now.”
[Yet more questions asked, amazement expressed, no recommendations given. Dumbstruck.]
“Will you be making that payment right now?”
I don’t get it. Were they just teasing me? We’re they trying to postpone what they thought was inevitable? We were making our house payments before we bought groceries! They throw us a rope and tell us we can relax for a few months to catch our breath but then they expect all that money to magically appear as if we had been paying it all along? What was the point of this whole thing then? If I was supposed to pay them the $5 but put the other $5 aside every month so I’d have the $30 at the end of the six months, how was this supposed to help us in any way whatsoever? If they thought we were having trouble coming up with the $10 every month, how the hell do they imagine we’d come up with $30? If We had $30, we’d have no problem paying the $10!
So I tell the guy that no, we will not be making the payment in full. In fact, we’re not even paying this months payment because I’ll need it as a security deposit on an apartment if they’re taking the house! Teresa steps in and tells me to calm down. She makes the payment and we’re done with the guy on the phone. Turns out this was a third party that works for the bank and can’t do shit other than tell me I’m out of luck because I’m a 30-something white man and then try to scare me into paying more than I can afford. Monday the bank will call and we’ll talk to them. We’ll go back to paying the regular $10 and the $30 outstanding balance will be dealt with and we’ll be just fine.
And if not… Well I was really burning up with the “what if not’s” going through my head but in the end I came out feeling fine. Teresa had it right all along. Calm down, relax. We’ll deal with it best we can and if that’s not good enough, we’ll do something else. She’s under a lot of stress and ready to explode with everything else going on in our lives but for this one moment, she was the one with the cool head. I like her…
But as calm as I’m trying to be, I STILL don’t understand how the hell this whole thing was anything but an exercise in trying to get us INTO trouble instead of out of trouble. I just don’t get the point of delaying a payment if it’s not going to get moved to the end of the loan. If it’s sitting there waiting to get paid, why not just fucking pay it in full the whole time? Why cut it in half and tell me the other half can wait for a little while?
I guess I should just be happy the guy on the phone didn’t tell me the vig was running and that he’s worried some unforeseen tragedy might befall me and my as yet unbroken legs…
And really, why should I want to change my cynical and pessimistic ways? When all my previous faults are held against me and I have no room for error, what chance do I have of instigating change within myself? Or more truthfully, why should I try if no one will grant me room for improvement? If I’m trying to be a better person, who am I trying to change for? The noble answer is to make change for the sake of being a better person but I’m not very good at being noble. My struggle to be “nicer” is not for myself, I’m content and happy being a hateful sonofabitch. I want to change because of how I interact with the people I care about. But when these same people refuse to acknowledge the steps I have made, the challenges I have overcome, the effort I have put in… When these people hold up my every past fault as evidence that I have always been this way and will never change… Why should I continue to make the effort?
I am continually set up for failure. Because I’ve always been disagreeable, the case against me is won the second I disagree. Because I was once dangerously unstable, all my future stumbles will be counted as the onset of another episode. Some stigmas linger well beyond their causes. Look at me. If I were still as disagreeable and unstable as I once was, would I make the attempt to right the boat? I have adopted new ways and methods. Where I used to retreat and withdraw, I have exposed myself and confronted my pain. I have showed through repeated trials that this is not a phase, this is not some new game that I will tire of. This is not some new hustle where I have learned how to manipulate the game in my favor. Over the years I have repeatedly demonstrated that yes, I am changed. And yet, still I am counted as damaged.
I stole a few things when I was a kid, do you guard your wallet when I enter the room?
I cheated at a game of Monopoly when I was nine, will I forever play the part of the crook?
Because I’ve lied in the past, is anything I’ve ever said the truth?
I can not blame anyone for this but myself. People that have been hurt by me again and again have learned that I am not to be trusted. I have trampled on your feelings one too many times and I understand your reluctance to allow me the chance to do it once more. Friends, family, loved ones, common associates… few of the people I mingle with are stupid. They are a group of good and intelligent people and it seems that they have learned to distrust me for good reason.
When the dog bites you the second time, you put him down.
I see people post song lyrics (without credit) in their blogs and other on-line portals and I always tried to figure out what was going on in their head. Some people are posting them as a kind of trivia game, asking others to name the quote… Others just really like the thought behind the lyric and post it as an expression of how they are feeling. The ones who used to bother me were the ones that listed out the entire song and never post the reason behind it. When asked, they say this song changed their life, or worse, that this song saved their life… What is going on in their head?
I love music, always have. But the power of music to save lives was always dubious to me. Every time I hear people claim a song saved their life I lump them in with those kids who kill themselves and the parents blame a band/song. The person was already unhinged, it didn’t take much to put them over the edge one way or the other. If that song saved your life, so could a rainbow or butterfly occurring at the right moment. If you killed yourself because of a song, you were already at that point, another red light in traffic could have put you over the edge…
I take inspiration from lyrics and I have actually changed some of my thoughts and ideas when I heard certain lyrics. Music has the ability to shape lives but until this afternoon, I never understood just how critical the right song at the right time can be.
A long continuous run on a bumpy road and an accumulation of ugly days on my head had just about proved to be too much. I went for a drive and while deliberating aloud to the empty car, I reached the point of decision and was listing hard to port… And then the randomness of the iPod gave me a song I hadn’t really heard in years. It’s in my playlist and I occasionally listen to it, but I rarely hear it… The lyrics are just what I needed to hear at that moment in time. I gave it some thought and changed my mind. I calmed down, resolved to make a few changes, returned home and began typing this up. I’ll live to deliberate another day. One day the scales will tip in the other direction but for now, something as superficial as a song was enough to weigh in and make me stick around.
And for the record, those of you who don’t understand the necessity of me purging the dark ink onto the paper as it were; when I decide it is time to check out, you won’t see a dramatic exit script. I would just simply take care of business. Two or three people will be sad for a few days, eventually the website would go away wiping out all my words, all memory of my existence would wash away with the tide. No angsty poems begging for intervention, no poorly written goodbye monologues, I’d just go. So as long as I’m writing, I’m alive. Every angry post eases the pain, every ridiculous scream is nothing but an attempt to make it through one more day…
Another commercial that bothered the hell out of me; the “Green Police”. Go fuck yourself! I’m normally a good guy who is reasonably observant of the new social rules. I’m the one in the house that insists we separate the recyclables from the trash and I’m the one who gets upset when I see a pop bottle in the trash instead of the blue bin. I’m the one who reprimanded my father-in-law for throwing trash out of the car window. But that commercial with the militant hippies arresting everyone who’s not as green as they are just pissed me off to no fucking end! In fact, this morning I went into the break room and had another cup of coffee JUST so I could use a styrofoam cup. And I have it with me here on my desk as I intend to throw it out the window on the way home in protest of the new green regime. These fucking green police hippies just TRY to come to my house and scold me for using incandescent bulbs. Just you fucking try! I’ll pollute your body with 9mm of lead poisoning! I’m over-reacting (as usual) but I honestly think that commercial set the whole “environmental friendly” movement more than a few steps back. With a blend of “holier than thou” and a “we’re coming for you” message, apparently, “green” is the new “Nazi”!
As long as I’m back on the SuperBowl ads, I have to agree with a friend of mine, Tim Burton must have a blood pact with Satan. The lord of lies made Johnny Depp a big star and in return Tim Burton keeps all the Hot Topic stores stocked full of merchandise. The new Alice in Wonderland looks blah and I expect more standard Tim Burton/Johnny Depp gothiness. It could turn out to be good but the trailer did not impress me. It was like I was being fed another Burton/Depp/Carter formula that tastes just like the last formula. Who cares anymore? I generally like the movies they do, but I’m tired of the same old Tim Burton branded shit. Alice in Wonderland, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd, Charlie/Chocolate Factory, Edward Scissorhands… It’s all the same. Create spooky backstory, insert Johnny Depp acting weird, drop in Helena Bonham Carter acting badly, collect millions of dollars…
By the way, I found a quarter on the floor in my den this morning so the bounty on will.i.am is up to $3.37