Caution! Caution?

I drove by a church bus this weekend. On the back there was a hand-painted sign that said,

“Caution! God’s children on board”

Well, what does that mean? What do I do with this information that you’ve just given me?

Am I supposed to drive real careful because these kids are special? They’re somehow “God’s kids”? Why does He think these kids are so special? What did they do, win a Bible trivia contest or something? And if they are so special, wouldn’t they require less caution if God had designated them as “His”? Wouldn’t the need for a sign imply that God isn’t protecting them from some kind of accident any more than anyone else’s kids?

I’m just a mortal and I’ll protect any kid that needs it. But MY kid gets the most protection. That’s just how the system works. Parents should always look out for the neighbor’s kids but their own children get special attention. Of course, there is a lengthy book chronicling what happened to God’s last known kid… Not exactly “Parent of the year” material there Jehovah. So maybe the sign should read, “Help us! God’s children on board and you remember what happened to the last one…”

Or are they some kind of mutants that God imbued with super-powers that I have to be careful around? A bus filled with the brood of Angel-raped-virgin offspring and they are secretly perfecting their powers to take over the world. Jesus got the immortality/resurrection cheat code just like Wolverine. I’m guessing there’s a Rogue, Storm, Juggernaut and a Magneto on board? That means there’s also a kid with laser sight on that bus and you need to be “cautious” because he might accidentally cut your car in half. Okay, probably NOT what the sign meant…

But in the eyes of the believers, isn’t EVERYONE God’s children? And if so, why would these ten or twenty warrant special caution? What about me, according to what I learned in Sunday School, wouldn’t I be included in the group of “God’s children”? So who’s being cautious around me? And if everyone is God’s Children, wouldn’t being cautious around anyone be a 24/7 thing? So you wouldn’t really need a sign then would you?

The sign was useless.

It served about as much purpose as those old yellow “Baby on board” signs. Hey yuppie prick, fuck you and your infant! I’ll obey the traffic laws and try to avoid hitting you, but if it comes down to a head on collision or sideswiping your Volvo; you, your little precious cargo and your fucking ridiculous yellow sign are going into the wall. (And I secretly hope it explodes afterward.) Reality doesn’t change just because you posted a stupid sign.

Fucking people and their need to feel special. Special comes from who you are and what you do with it. Special is not bestowed upon you by simply making a claim, you have to go out there and earn it.

I still have a love for tree-books.  Teresa and everyone I know are touting the magical properties of their Kindles (can the plural simply be Kindle, like moose or aircraft?) but I still buy books in all their original tree-killing glory.  I make many claims to why like them; I love the smell of a book, I don’t have to plug it in… but the truth is, when the collapse comes and the grid fails, I’ve got a book that tells me how to plant crops, multiple books on astronomy, etc…  you’ve got about three hours of battery life to figure out EVERYTHING you’re going to need, EVER.

As I pick up more and more books on religion, I worry about posthumous speculations about my intentions.  I read about Mormons dedicating souls of heathen family members after they die and I wonder, what happens when I die and they come to collect my stuff?  Will they see the hundreds of books on religion and the fact that many of them are Christian instructional books and try to say that I was a closet faithful?    I’ve got thirteen different Bibles.  I just picked up a 1948 copy of Corda in Coelo. It’s full of prayers and even has someone’s name on the inside cover [Name or dedication in the cover + old = special]  When I came across a particularly interesting book of 365 children’s Bible activities, I gave it to my mother who was teaching Sunday School in her church.  Last year I picked up all of the Catholic Missal service books and I’m not checking it every day but I’m following along from time to time.

I’m interested in religion as a psychosis.  I’m fascinated by how captivated people become and how violent they react when their delusion (from my outside point of view) is challenged.  Religion is a hobby of mine but I never again want to be counted among its followers.

After all of this, I’m sure someone will explain away all my words and justify a claim that I somehow tripped into a Heavenly loophole.  I understand, it makes people feel better about death and what does it matter to me that they go through my library and think to themselves that I may not have strayed so far from the religion of my youth?

I just wonder what they’ll say when they get to the thirty or forty books on Nazi Germany…

I was flipping through the channels last week. It was that magical hour between “woke up to a strange noise” and “too damn early to get up”. Because of my flip/flopping work schedule, I wasn’t going back to sleep. I was about to give up and stare at the ceiling when I saw a name in the program guide that I couldn’t believe had their own show (anymore). I’ve read a lot about Peter Popoff but I wasn’t interested in him back when he was on the air. Now I would finally get the chance to check out everything I’d read about. But this wasn’t a re-run of his old show, people were talking about 2011. Two minutes in and I couldn’t turn it off!

The well-dressed Rev. Popoff is promising “supernatural” debt relief! He’s got miracle spring water and he’s got faith-debt-tools. He’ll send them to you and then you can experience the amazing results that people were standing in line to tell him about.

I just started typing out some of those testimonials phonetically but then I erased them. I’m trying real hard to be nice. There was a distinct pattern to the congregation. Mostly women, mostly black and most of them appear to be poor. If they happened to be well-dressed, they spoke in such a harsh accent that it was obvious that English was not their first language. So it looks like he preys on those who need help the most.

Years ago I read a book called “The Faith Healers” by James Randi. A large portion of that book is focused specifically on Popoff and how he manipulated and lied to people to get their cash. I’ve read all about shady preachers and straight-up con men, the exposure of “how” and “why” was nothing new to me. Although it was an interesting read to hear how Randi and his crew nabbed this fake preacher. Electronic ear pieces, social engineering, flat out lies, mob mentality and the human being’s naturally pliable brain were all employed to make Peter Popoff a superstar for Jesus. And don’t forget the millions of dollars rolling in…

The sickest parts of the book were the transcriptions of the radio communications from Popoff’s wife. She and a friend were backstage directing Peter to the right people but she used crude, callous names for these people, making fun of them as they approached for healing. Going through the trash and finding the offering envelopes ripped open and discarded with the prayer requests unopened but the cash gone of course. The pile of canes and walkers that he collected on stage while cripples used every ounce of belief (and adrenaline) to make a few feeble steps. After the show, these people can’t make it back to the car without these canes so they come back in the tent for them but Peter’s already got them loaded in a truck, bound for secondhand shops…

This was not a case of some old guy “having it in for religion” and trying to cast dispersion on the preachers. This was not belief vs. non-belief or even some personal vendetta, Randi vs. Popoff. This was documented proof that Popoff was a liar, a cheat, a swindler, a con-man. All of this exposed in the press and on television. Finally after years of exposure, truth shines through and Popoff falls from grace… How is it that now he is back on the air, making the same claims? Why are people listening to this crook?

People WANT to believe. Even when you tell them it’s full of shit, they’ll take it.  The problem with a leap of faith is that you have to continually make the jump over and over again.

The most important lesson I took from that book was that we can’t blame the victims. Any one of us could be, has been or will be tricked by someone.

The hardest thing to “get” is that a lot of people get suckered and then they refuse to admit they were tricked so they sink further and deeper into their belief and become combative when you show them how they were fooled. It’s like losing ten bucks on the blackjack table. You know the odds, you know the house is favored to win. But few people will take that loss as a lesson learned. Many people will make a twenty dollar bet to make up for their mistake and soon, the house payment is gone…

The difference is that Vegas may manipulate you in subtle ways (and some NOT so subtle) but they never lie to you. They’ll take every cent you’re willing to throw down on the table but they never ask you for your soul. If you’re convinced that a preacher is in direct communication with the Almighty, money is of no consequence. If you can’t pay the hospital bills, Doctor Jesus will heal you! I’m not being an asshole here, “Doctor Jesus” is straight out of Peter Popoff’s mouth.

Some people just want to believe…

So, the next night I see the same broadcast just before I go to bed. I watch it again because I want to look into it, I want to judge it. This time, Teresa is awake. After about three minutes, she asks why the hell I’m watching this. I tell her the story of Randi taking this guy down and that I am amazed he’s back on the air. We watch in disbelief, laughing at the obvious bullshit, wanting to cry for the people in line… We listen as he promises “supernatural” debt relief (even Teresa balked at this one) and how people kept getting large checks in their mailbox. Most of them were getting $27,000, a few were getting $300,000. I felt bad for the one person who only got $4000, I guess she didn’t need as much. One lady was cured of cancer (after years of chemo and doctors treatments but she credited the miracle spring water). Another woman was released from the devil’s grip that drugs and alcohol had on her. She’s got a job and a house now, all thanks to Popoff’s evangelism.

We laughed and poked a little fun at the language, all night long we kept telling each other to “pray for supernatural debt relief”. I prayed for “supernatural sexual relief…”

BUT!

We’ve just gone through hell with Bank of America. They tried to fuck us out of our house, we were bordering on foreclosure and in one of the dumbest things we’ve ever done, we fought to keep the house, knowing the smartest financial move would have been to walk away. We won, we’re back to normal but we owe so much on that house and it’ll never be worth that much again. Something in my stubborn brain told me that we took out that loan and we had to honor our debt, no matter how stupid we are. So we’ll pay on it for years, eventually losing our ass if we try to leave it.

But what if…

If the next day Teresa had gone to the mailbox and received a letter from BOA explaining that there was an error in the paperwork and because the title/deed went missing, we are awarded the house free and clear. Like a $250,000 check in the mail… If that happened the day after we made fun of Peter Popoff and his “supernatural debt relief”… How hard would it be to NOT believe? I’d see an amazing coincidence and have a good laugh. I’m pretty sure Teresa would fall to her knees and thank her mom and Jesus for the help.

And for a cool quarter million, I promise I won’t blame the victim…

I’m doing a little cleaning up on my e-mail accounts.  I’ve got several “deposit only” accounts that I haven’t checked in years and a couple abandoned accounts that I forget to check but every few months.  In one of those accounts I’ve got 287 e-mails from one of my “nut” friends.  A conspiracy theory-believing, highly-religious, gotta be true if it’s on the internet, political party koolaid-drinking nut.  Going through that inbox has been an adventure.  I won’t just “delete all” because I do like this person, I just think they are fucking CRAZY!  And reading some of the propaganda is entertaining.  I’ll share some of my thoughts with you here…

First off, I rarely follow blind links or open attachments.

You have to remember, I’m the guy who is too nice (or afraid of his wife) to say “no” and I always find myself setting up people’s computers, or fixing them, or coaxing them back to life after they killed it.  Most problems are due to no Spam filters and factory installed and never-updated virus protection…  Since I know this about your computers, why would I ever allow you to infect my machine?  There is a very (VERY) short list of people I will trust with links/attachments and even then, it’s a crap shoot on how I feel that day.  Most of the “gotta check out” e-mails I get are deleted unread.  Sorry, I don’t want to be a dick about it but honestly, I saw them all three years ago anyway.

It made me think about how little we actually read.

How many times have you read a headline (KNOWING they intentionally mislead us with an opening line) and then skim the article?  A few days later it will come up in conversation and you get the spark of, “Oh yeah, I read something on that” and then you quickly realize, “oh, no I don’t…”  Yeah, I’m guilty of that but apparently, that’s all my friend did… ever!  Dozens of alarmist e-mails that when you get past the surface of the actual article (not the e-mail but independently searching out details), it’s all just white noise.  Of course, add in ALL CAPS, A PICTURE OF THE PRE-9/11 SKYLINE AND DOZENS OF !!!!!!!!!!!!!! and you get something to forward to “everyone you love!”

Are people critical readers anymore?

Just because it came in your inbox doesn’t make it true.  In fact, I go over anything in my inbox with the bullshit detector three or four times before I even begin to thaw it out.  And how about facts and figures posted on chat/forum groups?  Forget it!  Research shows that only one in every seventeen people on any given internet group is even remotely qualified in the topic of discussion.  And 1:17 sounds like an official number right?  That’s why I just made it up; which is what you’ll find on most of the internet, 83.6% of all people just making shit up.  Like decimal points in percentages.  Odd numbers and a single tenth digit lends credibility to many lies.  If I had said 98%, you wouldn’t believe me; too round.  But 83.6%…  The 80 is high but I counter with a low tens digit.  If I sent it out as an official fact, I may get someone to trip up over it.  I would definitely get my friend who forwarded me the e-mail that tells me that 92% of all elementary school teachers are being forced to teach their class that their great grandparents were tree-dwelling monkeys.  There is so much wrong with the way this e-mail is written, I just decided to focus on the numbers.  Moving on…

Are we desperate to validate everything by false attributions?

There are so many cool things George Carlin actually said.  But why is it that I keep getting the same lame speeches and rants forwarded to me with his name attached?  Guys, I’m not his biographer, I’m just a huge fan of his work.  I’ve heard most everything he’s recorded, I’ve read most of his books; I know his style.  This drivel you keep sending me is not the kind of thing he’d write.  I get equally suspicious when I see the same lines next week but this time it’s by Mark Twain or Bill Cosby.  BTW, Weird-Al Yankovic has some degree of talent.  Love him or hate him, he wouldn’t have written your filthy parody song full of profanities and with the sound quality of farting into a half-empty soup can.  Look to your local morning radio DJ crew for authorship of these crappy “songs”.

If you identify a source as the granite baseline of all truths, you can’t discard the parts that are unattractive.

We just passed by the July 4th holiday.  My friend is very flashy about waving the flag around and reciting the opening lines of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.  If patriotism were a religion I think Jesus would come in second place.  A very close second, or maybe just a tie.  Every 4th of July I get a flood of e-mails with embedded waving flag gifs and links to sites with the Battle Hymn of the Republic playing while 72 font text displays the history of the the Declaration of Independence (with a special emphasis on “Creator”).  I love the Declaration too, the right and duty to amend or abolish your own government is awesome!  But I also like to stir the shit…  My friend is also fond of celebrating their tenuously diluted Native American heritage.  I tell them that in their beloved Declaration, one of the grievances against the King was that we were left all alone to fight off the (paraphrasing) “vicious savages who we all know fight dirty and kills everyone including women, children and wounded men.”  I get no response to this.  I’m pretty sure he just forwards those e-mail replies to the FBI hoping I’m put on some “unpatriotic” watch list.

And there are so many e-mails telling me about the fabulous 2nd amendment.  Guns, guns and more guns!  We have to watch out for the government taking our guns away.  But then I get the same number of e-mails from the same people telling me that we need to gag these loudmouth liberals that run around trying to take God out of the government.  1st amendment be-damned, this is (or should be) a Christian nation.  Piles of e-mails about how the TSA is abusing our 4th amendment rights but then another pile telling me we should ignore the 5th amendment and invoke vigilante justice on several high-profile trials where the news-watching public is convinced “they got away with it”.  I guess the Constitution is like the Star Trek Franchise; we should pay attention to the even numbers, ignore the odds?  That makes sense, I’m not sure these types are too terribly happy with the 13th or 19th amendments either.

But at least the Constitution is a living, changing and interpretable document…

Not like, the Bible.  So many of the e-mails are quotes from the Christian Bible and how God wants me to live.  But when I respond with equally damning lines from the same source, I am told to ignore the Old Testament.  When I re-reply with several questions about the New Testament, I am “being a troublemaker” (and I’m quite sure, being reported to the FBI again for being unpatriotic and a Communist heathen).  If you’re using the Bible as an incontrovertible lawbook, you have to decide if we allow for updates.  If you insist we play by 4000 year-old laws, then we have to live by ALL the 4000 year-old laws.  Picking and choosing from this part but not that, re-defining words in Greek here but Latin there and Hebrew over there and then having the stones to call it “unaltered” just makes you look foolish.  Stop it.  Either it counts or it doesn’t count and you don’t get to choose which parts.

Well, clearing out these few simple complaints have whittled the stack down to about ten actual e-mails.  I still have several other Inboxes to clear out but Teresa needs help setting up a spreadsheet and Becca wants me to show her how to make more animated gifs, as if the internet needs more of either of those atrocities…  Looks like the e-mail will get answered another day man, another day…