Disposable Heroes

No sense in burying the lede. The punchline is: “People say we sold out but I say the other bands sold out by giving the fans what they wanted.” How a musician can say this, I’m just dumbfounded…

Last night I was reminded why I never identify with heroes anymore. It’s because they can fall so far. If you accept someone as a person, an equal with differing talents instead of an idol, they are human and when they eventually fail you can see that in yourself. But when you put someone on a higher plane, you expect them to remain flawless.

When I was sixteen I wanted to be Lars Ulrich. I was a young metalhead drummer and I saw what I wanted to be when I grew up. I considered Dave Lombardo a better drummer but Lars portrayed the FTW image I felt inside. For three years, he became my idol. I copied his style, hell, I’m embarrassed to admit this but I even tried to adopt the damn name…

By the time I was nineteen he had fallen from favor. His band moved on in a new direction and I found so many better drummers to emulate. In three years I progressed from wanting to be as good as him to finding that he wasn’t enough for me. I was already working on being faster and better than him, especially since he gave up on thrash. No love lost, I still liked his past work, I just wasn’t following him into the world of safe corporate rock.

Years went by as Lars and Metallica played to the Frat-boy crowds. Good for them.  Like I said, no hard feelings, just different directions. Then in 2000, Lars came back into my life by threatening me. Me and every Napster user on the planet. He said he would track us down and drag us into court to get his few cents worth of royalties. Shaking down fans after giving us shitty music… That’s low dude.

After that, things got ugly. I started paying attention to him again and I didn’t like what I saw. Not only was I amazed at the blatant hypocrisy of making your bones on the tape trading circuit and then coming out against trading music once you struck it rich, but I also started to see a defensiveness about them. Snapping at their old-fans that felt sold-out and telling us they don’t need us anymore. “Sure we sold out. We sell out arenas every night!” You may fill arenas but so does Jon Bon Jovi… You traded a legion of die-hard loyal fans for fickle soccer-moms. We would have started an army for you but you discarded us for people that have since moved on to weak pap like Nickleback and Evanescence.

And this is where I started to burn against the band and Lars in particular. My distaste mutated into a baseless hatred. I just felt so let down. There are plenty of bands who went soft, I don’t feel the hate for them. I never hero-worshipped them. Metallica went soft and then tried to tell me it was MY fault. Lars made it big and turned his back on those that got him there. I’m all for getting rich and I understand how record deals work. Sometimes you don’t have much choice in going corporate, but you didn’t have to be such a dick about it…

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So here we are years and years later. I’ve just about given up on my burning hatred of Metallica. I’m seeing it for what it is, the irritating reminders of a fallen hero. I’m 39 now and I’m finally getting over twenty years of failed rock star hero worship. Until…

Last night I saw another interview with Lars Ulrich. He pissed me off again. Three times in one segment!

The interview brought up the initial spread of thrash and how Metallica got its first record deal. Old news to long-time fans but it all stemmed from tape trading. Lars sat there and reminisced about how awesome it was to be able to trade tapes through the mail with complete strangers and be exposed to new music. He went on to say that it was sad that it didn’t happen anymore, he actually called it a “lost art”.

It doesn’t happen anymore because YOU stopped us asshole! Yes you, Lars Ulrich personally attempted to stop us from trading music and you’re going to sit there with your stupid sunglasses and bemoan the fact that it’s gone! FUCK YOU!!! We went from sending tapes through the mail to sending songs through our modems. The technology changed but the spirit remained the same. You can scream about quality duplication all you like but the truth is, those old copied tapes may have been shit-quality but I listened to some of them for years! It was about discovering new music, hearing new bands, sharing with like-minded strangers who became distant friends. You would not be here if it weren’t for the tape trades. But once you got your Mercedes, you saw music sharing as a leaky faucet and a way to capture more money.

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Then the interview discussed the shift in the music scene. He goes on to build up how incredibly powerful, amazing and popular Metallica’s “Black” album was and how it is a great effort but then asked, “But why did I feel so betrayed?” I waited for this answer because many of us felt the same way. It’s a great CD but it was a let-down from what we expected. They discuss how “Enter Sandman” was a departure from Metallica’s style of music and how it brought in a new type of crowd. Both are valid reasons and I’m fine with that explanation. Then they cut to Lars:

“Betrayal is such a strong word. I can understand feeling… um… like you… um… didn’t get what you were promised but… um… I wouldn’t use the word betrayed.” What’s wrong Lars, having trouble coming up with a creative way to say the word betrayed without actually using the word? Dude, just admit it; You were the poster band for “Fuck it all thrash” and then you changed format on us. We felt betrayed because we put all of our love into your band and you weren’t there for us anymore. You have every right to change, we have every right to feel betrayed when you do. How about a “oops, sorry about that” instead of “move aside while I fuck your little sister”? I’ve had girlfriends who fucked my best friend treat my heart better than you did Lars. Betrayal is the appropriate word.

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And I saved the best for last. Several stumbles after trying his best to avoid the word “betrayed”, Lars lets out this gem: “People call us sell-outs but I consider all the other bands sell-outs for giving the fans what they wanted.” Ahhh, the old second grade “I’m rubber, you’re glue” defense. I actually paused the video and replayed it to make sure I heard it right.  Like maybe the actual line was “…sell-outs for NOT giving the fans…”  Nope, no missing words.  If I’m feeling rather generous, I can try really hard, if I squint and tilt my head at just the right angle I can see what he’s driving at; the thrash scene was dying and they were trying to expand so they didn’t die with it. They didn’t want to give us the same old crap reheated over and over again. I can give him that much. But he stabs himself in the dick with the second half of the statement…

Give your fans what they fucking want or they won’t be your fans anymore! If I want to hear Metallica style music, I’ll buy an album with the name “Metallica” on it. If I want to hear something totally different, I’ll buy another band’s album. You are a fucking BRAND! Give me what I want or I’ll go elsewhere. If tried and true brands change their formula, people lose their minds. New music, new directions, growth in a band, I understand this. But have we learned nothing from New Coke motherfucker!? I’m happy to have Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Coke Zero, maybe even a Vanilla Coke. But when I push the button for good old plain Coca-Cola and I get a fucking Crystal Pepsi, someone’s gonna die! If I’d get this upset over a $0.75 investment in a soda-pop, how upset do you think I am with you and your band Lars?

And I was too generous. I gave him too much credit when I said he didn’t want to give the fans the same reheated crap. No, the problem is that you ran out of steam. There were no more angry songs left in you. We were crying out for more and you went limp on us. No problem, but don’t lay this out on us saying we’re too dumb to know what we want. If you really believe that giving the fans what they want is wrong, then explain to me why I can’t name three songs from the last five Metallica albums but I pray to baby Jesus every night for the successful recovery of Jeff Hanneman so Slayer can get on with recording their new album… (For those of you who know anything about my views on religion or the contents of Slayer’s music will find that last bit particularly funny…)

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All this bile and angst from the childhood mistake of looking up to a rock star. Heroes let you down, that’s just part of life. But most often, they’re not dicks about it. Fuck you dude. Just… fuck you.

Did thrash run its course? Probably. Did it flicker and sputter while Metallica was gone from the scene? Sure. Are there plenty of bands that changed direction and I still listen to them? Absolutely! I think it’s hilarious that Dave Mustaine spent years and years trying to compete with the Metallica legend and it turns out Megadeth gave us a better metal catalog than the godfathers of thrash themselves.

The legacy of Metallica’s music is two of the best thrash albums ever (KeA, RtL), the greatest thrash/metal album ever (MoP), one great metal album (AJfA), a great metal/rock album (Bk), four weak attempts to play to the changing whims of the masses (L, rL, SM, StA) and one atrocious and failed attempt to recapture the past (DM).

Their music catalog is no better, no worse than you’d expect but the legacy of Metallica itself is one of betrayal and I have to say it, “No Remorse”.

The three of us were out to dinner.  ”Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” was playing quietly in the background.  During a lull in the conversation I look up at my wife and daughter and say, “I’ve never really liked U2.”

The hurt look on their faces still haunts me in my sleep…

Post #2 of 7 documenting my first viewing of the Harry Potter movies…

Short recap; I’ve never seen the Harry Potter movies, I’ve agreed to watch them without my usual commentary during films I’m “forced” to watch, instead I kept notes for comic effect.  These are the things I wrote down in the moment, they have not been edited for content or correctness after the fact:

Sunday, 1-1-12  4:40 pm
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

• Switching the DVDs, the “Year 1″ and “Year 2″ labels are barely visible on the sides.  I rage about numbering movies again.
• WTF!?  A “house elf”?  Oh my god, kill it!  KILL IT!!
• It’s like Rainman beating himself up. A severely autistic house elf.  How is this funny?
• Somebody give this fucker a ring already and throw him into Mordor, I’m sick of this Smeagol wannabe.
• I take that back. Smeagol had a few endearing qualities.  This fucker is Jar-Jar Binks.
• Flying motorcycle in the last movie, now I get a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang flying car…
• I waited that whole last movie to see if “diagonally” would pay off.  They made me wait until the second movie for such a lame and transparent pun?
• Kenneth Branagh playing a celebrity fraud.  The fucker’s got one hell of a sense of humour about himself.  Love it!
• That dude was an elf in Lord of the Rings.  Wasn’t he?  Dad Malfoy, whatever his name is, he was a fucking elf, now they give him the same hairdo and say, “Go play a manipulative prick.”  I’m having a hard time placing him, maybe he wasn’t in LotR but with that look, he should have been!
• Crashing into the wall at 9 3/4.  Another gag I waited for all last movie.
• If you have an invisible cloak or invisible car, why turn off the invisible part when you only think you may be safe?
• If I can believe Charlie Brown had a kite-eating tree, I can believe HP’s got a car-eating tree.
• “I’m writing to both of your families”.  If I were HP: “Like I give a shit, they suck!  Fuck you and your empty threats old lady!”  I would not last long at Hogwarts.
• That’s a LOT of blood for a single cat.
• I hate Herminy slightly less in this movie.  I still want her to die, but she doesn’t have to die painfully anymore.
• Oh my god, ENOUGH with the podracing!  Quidditch hasn’t moved the plot at all!
• And there we go, Luke Skywalker finally loses his hand.
• I know she’s supposed to portray the ass-kissing curve-blowing know-it-all but should she know more than her teachers?
• Dumbledore knows dick-all about photography.  ”Let’s open the camera in broad daylight” fucktard wizard of shit.
• Moaning Mertyl has been on screen for ten seconds and I can already tell she’s going to piss me off with that whining bullshit.
• The moon-phase table covering in the fencing scene is pretty freaking sweet!
• Did I just hear that right?  The secret password spell was “Lemon Sherbert”?  I thought I’d get sick of the piglatin “word + icus” magic shit but they’ve done a pretty good job of keeping it toned down.  Lemon Sherbert was the first time I’ve really snapped out of it.
• I thought Hogwarts in snow looked awesome.  Hogwarts in snow with horse-drawn carriages is awesomer!
• Polyjuice.  When they add the hair, all I can think of is Scott Tenorman’s pube chili.
• Harry, Ron, she’s not going with you.  If I had just traded bodies with another woman, I’d stay in the stall all day long too!
• Ugh!  I’ve never understood “furries”, it’s not my fetish.  But seeing Herminy as a cat I’m safe to say I’ll never try that…
• That statue looks Boared.  Fuck you JK.  If I have to endure shit like Diagon Alley and Draco, Slithern, Snape, etc… I get to pull out fucked up wordplay too!
• It’s not his fault.  Keanu Reeves ruined the word “whoa” for everyone that came after him.
• That scarf dude.  Lose it.  NOW!
• Agh, it’s a big scary spider!  What do we do now Mister Frodo?  Run Sam, run!
• The car can fly, spiders can’t.  I think I see a way out of this fellas.  How about we stop with the chase scene and get our asses in the air?
• That doctor must have graduated at the bottom of his class.  ”Just throw her in one of the beds, she’ll be okay.”  No examination took place or maybe he would have found that gigantic note in her freaking hand!
• Reflection, water, mirror, through a vapor… Harry Potter is an honorary Hardy Boy.
• I want a door like that snake vault in my den!
• What kind of wizard, 12 years old or not, would DROP HIS WAND!?  No excuse for that.  He’s a Dipshit.
• No, she’s only mostly dead.  There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead…
• I expected “Tom Riddle” to be an anagram.  When they showed the middle name had a “V” in it I expected it to involve ValDeMorte.  But that was just fucking stupid.  I will not allow that to pass, that was just fucking stupid.
• Harry is a typical 12 year old boy.  He just throws shit on the ground when he’s done with it.  The invisibility cloak, his wand, now this hat…  WTF?
• When the basilisk bared his teeth to Harry, I saw Ripley in Aliens.
• A five foot sword in a hat.  Bullshit. Magic or not, everyone knows you can NOT put bladed objects in a bag of holding!
• A Basilisk tooth, gotta be worth something on e-Bay.
• This kid is not so much “The boy who lived”.  He’s the boy who wouldn’t fucking die!  We’re only two movies in and he’s had as many death/saves as Frodo in the entire Ring series.
• Kevin!  The phoenix looks like Kevin from “Up”!
• Herminy is 50% less cunty in this movie.  I’m not sure if it’s the actor or the character but she grew enough that I don’t mind of she lives.
• “…not our abilities that show who we are but our choices…”  I’m liking this “Dumbledore wraps up the moral of the story” ending pattern…

This was slightly better.  Not by much though.  I would have cut and run after number one, this one made me think that I’ll be able to get through all of them.  It’s going to be rough but I can make it.  Especially if they improve.  At the current rate of improvement, by number five or six I’ll probably like them.

We immediately launched into the third movie, I will write it up in a separate post…

Who decided “My Favorite Things” was a Christmas song? It mentions sleighbells and snowflakes but it also mentions doorbells and schnitzel. “Raindrops on roses” isn’t exactly seasonally Christmastime in Austria is it? Maybe this Nazi sympathizing nun is trying to end Christmas… I mean, she does sing about “Silver white winters that melt into Spring”. Is she trying to melt away Christmas into an Aryan spring?  This “War on Christmas” has been going on longer than you think! Fuck you Julie Andrews, you’re not melting MY Christmas spirit away!  Seize her!!!

Ooof, too strong for an opening? “FU Julie Andrews” not something you expected to hear this morning? Or ever? Sorry… Just getting warmed up. While I’m on the subject, why is “Rock Lobster” a Halloween song? Nevermind, back to Christmas…

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Holiday Inn. Not a Christmas movie. And neither is The Bells of St. Mary. Maybe Holiday Inn gets a nod for having a Christmas song in it… scratch that, THE Christmas song… And maybe Meet Me in St. Louis squeaks by on that justification as well. But I’m still not counting them as “Christmas” films. They have Christmas scenes in them but somewhere, someone incorrectly designated them as “Christmas movies”. By this rationale, you also have to include American Psycho, Gremlins, Brazil, Batman Returns, Trading Places and 12 Monkeys. (I’m intentionally leaving Die Hard and Lethal Weapon off this list for now…)

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I tried to watch Jim Carrey and Disney’s attempt of A Christmas Carol last night. I got to where he leaves with the Ghost of Christmas Past before I turned it off. The opening title sequence is a sweeping flyby of London with the credits slipping on/off the screen. There wasn’t enough contrast between the primarily white landscape and the gold lettering, you had to strain to read anything. At the end of the opening flyby they come to eye level and swoop through wreaths and stuff… it was tedious to watch. And the animation was shit. It was Polar Express all over again. But Polar Express gets a pass for being the first to go all digicap. Also, PE was 2004. I expected some drastic improvements from a 2009 movie. I expected more from Disney. Just watch Mickey’s Christmas Carol instead. Scrooge McDuck is awesome!

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And here’s where you start to hate me more than usual. I LOVE Ebenezer Scrooge. I’ve always thought he was a great character and I’ve never seen why everyone hates him so much. (Full disclosure, I also love Gordon Gekko). Scrooge’s only flaw that I can see is the completeness with which he disregards the rest of the world. His opening dialogs in the counting house with his nephew and the fund-raisers are near perfect. Being expected to make merry, being expected to give to charity… These things bother me too.

When I choose to give to charity, it is by my own free will and not by the compulsion of the season. When I am happy, I’ll join in the festivities but when I want to be left alone (and I am minding my own business in the seclusion of my private office) anyone coming in and insisting I smile and make merry just might get a sprig of holly through their heart! It is all Bullshit.

Bullshit Bullshit, bullshit! Or as someone in Victorian England might say, Humbug. Scrooge saw through it all and called it for what it is, Bullshit. Christmas as we know it was just getting started when this was written and it still holds 168 years later as Christmas is imploding in on itself and dying, the contemporary Christmas model is a sham.

My favorite character is completely ruined by his 180 degree change at the end. Total Abstinence Principle? WTF? His walk through town, the visit to his nephew’s house and his surprising Bob Cratchit aside, the last paragraph in the text shows Scrooge as a changed man, Born Again if you will.

If left to the text alone, it could be a good thing but modern movie portrayals play to the extreme and contrast the opening’s “evil Scrooge” against the ending’s “altruistic Scrooge”. If he had maintained some of his original cynicism and gained a bit of humanity, it would have been much better. It makes a great point to someone like me who agrees with Scrooge’s initial sensibilities that it is much harder to say, “Are there no prisons, no workhouses?” when confronted with the faces of those who need help, but it is too much for me to go with the fairytale ending that has Scrooge becoming a benefactor to all of London…

Beginning Scrooge was a bit too harsh, Ending Scrooge was way too mushy. Scrooge would have been perfect if he were changed into a “good man” and not transformed into a saint.

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Are Die Hard and Lethal Weapon Christmas movies?  No and yes.

Die hard takes place at a Christmas party, McClane is carrying an oversized teddy bear as a present, the movie has plenty of Christmas music (including the awesome Run DMC “Christmas in Hollis”) closes on “Let it Snow” and the “Now I have a machine gun, ho ho ho” scene was pretty freaking sweet!  But it’s not a Christmas movie.   It’s an action movie that takes place at Christmas.

Lethal Weapon has significantly less Christmas wrapping on it.  It opens with “Jingle Bell Rock” and there’s a Christmas tree smashing scene, but when compared to the heavily Christmas-laden Die Hard, Lethal Weapon could almost take place on July 4th.  If you’ve been paying attention through the film, the reason Riggs is so good is because he’s suicidal.  His wife is dead and he’s depressed.  He’s got nothing to lose so he goes all-out on the job.  The reason I’m counting Lethal Weapon as a Christmas movie over Die Hard is the present at the end.  It’s a small scene, one you may have overlooked but it’s my favorite scene in the entire film.  After pairing up with his new partner and spending Christmas dinner with them, the morosely depressed Riggs gives Murtaugh a present; the bullet he’s been saving for himself.  This single scene, just a few seconds long, makes the entire movie for me.  It resonates deep in my bones and it takes everything I have to keep from crying.  Fuck you Clarence, Murtaugh got his wings without even trying!

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Somewhere up above, two spiral galaxies are asking each other why I hate Julie Andrews and Clarence the angel…  No reason, they just got in the way.

On to other news, You’ve got a small surprise coming to you next week.  Consider this a teaser trailer, just a small tickle of something big to come.  I probably should have waited to say anything until then since I’m not giving any details away just yet but I figured I’d let you know to keep your eye on the blog next week.  Barring any major tragedies, upsets or news, I’ve got something interesting up my sleeve…