Introductions

You know how dogs sniff each other’s butts when they first meet?  Or someone will judge your character by your handshake or your sensibility by your shoes?

From now on when I first meet someone I will ask them, “Under which genre do you file the band Living Colour?”

This should tell me all I need to know about them…

Okay, you want to hear an embarrassing story?

Before I moved to Florida, back when I was in the seventh grade, I was in chorus. I don’t remember why. I never really liked singing but I liked acting in the school plays and I played some instruments so somehow I ended up in chorus.

One day, the “other” chorus teacher (you know how there are always two of every teacher? I never had the “right” one of any of them…) says there will be try-outs to sing for a school rock band. I like rock, so I sign up. I get to the try-outs and I’m nerding out. All the cool kids there, none of the chorus students. I may be in the wrong place… It comes my turn to sing and the teacher calls me into the room. There are several people in there and I don’t know any of them. I’m sweating, nervous and my brain thinks now would be a great time to maybe, pass out…

I swallow down the fear and step forward. The teacher says, “Okay, let’s hear a few bars of “Old Time Rock and Roll.” I wait. He waits.

“Whenever your ready.”

“Which song?”

“Old Time Rock and Roll”

“Just pick any one?”

He looks at me, puzzled and slightly annoyed. As if I was intentionally playing “Who’s on First” with him.

He plays the opening bars on the piano and it doesn’t help me. I have never heard that damn song in my life! It was 1982/83? I was into Rush, Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister and the Ramones. I hadn’t seen “Risky Business” yet. Somehow, that song just never entered my realm at that point.

He gives me the lyrics and plays the melody, I give it my best shot.

Never having heard it before, I had no idea to do the “rough and gruff” voice. I’m not sure I even could have if I had known. I was petrified and my brain was reminding me that passing out would have been a GREAT idea a few minutes ago… So out of my mouth comes a choral arrangement of “Old Time Rock and Roll.”

The people in the room smile (but thankfully they do NOT laugh) and the teacher just tilts his head. He thanks me for trying out but says I’m just not what they are looking for. I say thank you and I walk out.

I never heard anything about this again. No one laughed at me, no one found out and teased me, just any idea of me ever singing died in that room that day. Every time that song comes on the radio… I twitch…

I’m not sure anyone knows this story. And now I spill it here for your amusement. Why? Because I’m going to talk about singing and I think it’s important that you know right from the start that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about…

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I can’t sing. I can’t judge singing. I can listen to someone like Whitney Houston and appreciate what everybody hears but the seamless and beautiful melody is far less important to me than the passion and power behind the voices.

Many of the bands I like have singers that aren’t the best vocalists in the world.  Just the other day I was driving home and singing along with “Five to One” and realized, as much as I love him, Morrison was way off on that track.  But that doesn’t diminish his power.  Hell, Henry Rollins just screams at me for three minutes at a time. I like Chris Barnes and Glen Benton but they’re not even really singers…

When I can hear passion and pain in the voice, that’s when I notice a singer. Music is not about the flawless execution of notes, it’s about feeling. I caught a lot of crap from a LOT of people back in the day about my love of punk. Those idiots may not be able to tune their guitars but they had something to say. Not every one who’s known for singing has something to say.

I hate American Idol.  It encourages mediocre talent to dream big.  They’re dreaming the wrong dream.  Winning 5 Stars from Ed McMahon isn’t all that great.  You want to sing?  Get the fuck out there and sing!  Dicking around on a stupid TV show isn’t making music, it’s making money.  Winning this lame talent search all but guarantees you a record contract and some instant popularity.  But have you actually listened to the majority of these “winners”?  Empty, dead, soulless vocals. An imitation of what I think music should be. But they stay on the air. People love to watch the abuse, wannabe singers love to think they’ll have a chance… one day…  Winning that show doesn’t mean you are any good, losing on that show doesn’t mean you’re not any good, it’s a talent processing machine not an actual certification of talent.

When Whitney Houston died, there were actually people asking which season of American Idol she was on… As if Idol was the be-all end-all judge of music. They’re the musical blender we should be railing against. Everyone who gets processed through that machine comes out the same: perfect, clean, popular and clutching their gold record. It’s like they sign a contract at the Crossroads only this intersection is well lit and corporately sponsored.  The contract reads; “Give up on music and I’ll make you a singer!”

Singing in the shower, playing a music-impersonation video game or even having a drink with friends at a karaoke bar is fun.  I’m sure there are some great singers out there languishing in the shadows but for the most part, if they haven’t been heard, they probably shouldn’t be.

Life is the same for most “artistic” occupations: Do it, don’t dream about it. Don’t sit around talking about it, do it. Don’t tell me about how “one day” you’re going to make it, get out there and show us!

No sense in burying the lede. The punchline is: “People say we sold out but I say the other bands sold out by giving the fans what they wanted.” How a musician can say this, I’m just dumbfounded…

Last night I was reminded why I never identify with heroes anymore. It’s because they can fall so far. If you accept someone as a person, an equal with differing talents instead of an idol, they are human and when they eventually fail you can see that in yourself. But when you put someone on a higher plane, you expect them to remain flawless.

When I was sixteen I wanted to be Lars Ulrich. I was a young metalhead drummer and I saw what I wanted to be when I grew up. I considered Dave Lombardo a better drummer but Lars portrayed the FTW image I felt inside. For three years, he became my idol. I copied his style, hell, I’m embarrassed to admit this but I even tried to adopt the damn name…

By the time I was nineteen he had fallen from favor. His band moved on in a new direction and I found so many better drummers to emulate. In three years I progressed from wanting to be as good as him to finding that he wasn’t enough for me. I was already working on being faster and better than him, especially since he gave up on thrash. No love lost, I still liked his past work, I just wasn’t following him into the world of safe corporate rock.

Years went by as Lars and Metallica played to the Frat-boy crowds. Good for them.  Like I said, no hard feelings, just different directions. Then in 2000, Lars came back into my life by threatening me. Me and every Napster user on the planet. He said he would track us down and drag us into court to get his few cents worth of royalties. Shaking down fans after giving us shitty music… That’s low dude.

After that, things got ugly. I started paying attention to him again and I didn’t like what I saw. Not only was I amazed at the blatant hypocrisy of making your bones on the tape trading circuit and then coming out against trading music once you struck it rich, but I also started to see a defensiveness about them. Snapping at their old-fans that felt sold-out and telling us they don’t need us anymore. “Sure we sold out. We sell out arenas every night!” You may fill arenas but so does Jon Bon Jovi… You traded a legion of die-hard loyal fans for fickle soccer-moms. We would have started an army for you but you discarded us for people that have since moved on to weak pap like Nickleback and Evanescence.

And this is where I started to burn against the band and Lars in particular. My distaste mutated into a baseless hatred. I just felt so let down. There are plenty of bands who went soft, I don’t feel the hate for them. I never hero-worshipped them. Metallica went soft and then tried to tell me it was MY fault. Lars made it big and turned his back on those that got him there. I’m all for getting rich and I understand how record deals work. Sometimes you don’t have much choice in going corporate, but you didn’t have to be such a dick about it…

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So here we are years and years later. I’ve just about given up on my burning hatred of Metallica. I’m seeing it for what it is, the irritating reminders of a fallen hero. I’m 39 now and I’m finally getting over twenty years of failed rock star hero worship. Until…

Last night I saw another interview with Lars Ulrich. He pissed me off again. Three times in one segment!

The interview brought up the initial spread of thrash and how Metallica got its first record deal. Old news to long-time fans but it all stemmed from tape trading. Lars sat there and reminisced about how awesome it was to be able to trade tapes through the mail with complete strangers and be exposed to new music. He went on to say that it was sad that it didn’t happen anymore, he actually called it a “lost art”.

It doesn’t happen anymore because YOU stopped us asshole! Yes you, Lars Ulrich personally attempted to stop us from trading music and you’re going to sit there with your stupid sunglasses and bemoan the fact that it’s gone! FUCK YOU!!! We went from sending tapes through the mail to sending songs through our modems. The technology changed but the spirit remained the same. You can scream about quality duplication all you like but the truth is, those old copied tapes may have been shit-quality but I listened to some of them for years! It was about discovering new music, hearing new bands, sharing with like-minded strangers who became distant friends. You would not be here if it weren’t for the tape trades. But once you got your Mercedes, you saw music sharing as a leaky faucet and a way to capture more money.

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Then the interview discussed the shift in the music scene. He goes on to build up how incredibly powerful, amazing and popular Metallica’s “Black” album was and how it is a great effort but then asked, “But why did I feel so betrayed?” I waited for this answer because many of us felt the same way. It’s a great CD but it was a let-down from what we expected. They discuss how “Enter Sandman” was a departure from Metallica’s style of music and how it brought in a new type of crowd. Both are valid reasons and I’m fine with that explanation. Then they cut to Lars:

“Betrayal is such a strong word. I can understand feeling… um… like you… um… didn’t get what you were promised but… um… I wouldn’t use the word betrayed.” What’s wrong Lars, having trouble coming up with a creative way to say the word betrayed without actually using the word? Dude, just admit it; You were the poster band for “Fuck it all thrash” and then you changed format on us. We felt betrayed because we put all of our love into your band and you weren’t there for us anymore. You have every right to change, we have every right to feel betrayed when you do. How about a “oops, sorry about that” instead of “move aside while I fuck your little sister”? I’ve had girlfriends who fucked my best friend treat my heart better than you did Lars. Betrayal is the appropriate word.

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And I saved the best for last. Several stumbles after trying his best to avoid the word “betrayed”, Lars lets out this gem: “People call us sell-outs but I consider all the other bands sell-outs for giving the fans what they wanted.” Ahhh, the old second grade “I’m rubber, you’re glue” defense. I actually paused the video and replayed it to make sure I heard it right.  Like maybe the actual line was “…sell-outs for NOT giving the fans…”  Nope, no missing words.  If I’m feeling rather generous, I can try really hard, if I squint and tilt my head at just the right angle I can see what he’s driving at; the thrash scene was dying and they were trying to expand so they didn’t die with it. They didn’t want to give us the same old crap reheated over and over again. I can give him that much. But he stabs himself in the dick with the second half of the statement…

Give your fans what they fucking want or they won’t be your fans anymore! If I want to hear Metallica style music, I’ll buy an album with the name “Metallica” on it. If I want to hear something totally different, I’ll buy another band’s album. You are a fucking BRAND! Give me what I want or I’ll go elsewhere. If tried and true brands change their formula, people lose their minds. New music, new directions, growth in a band, I understand this. But have we learned nothing from New Coke motherfucker!? I’m happy to have Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Coke Zero, maybe even a Vanilla Coke. But when I push the button for good old plain Coca-Cola and I get a fucking Crystal Pepsi, someone’s gonna die! If I’d get this upset over a $0.75 investment in a soda-pop, how upset do you think I am with you and your band Lars?

And I was too generous. I gave him too much credit when I said he didn’t want to give the fans the same reheated crap. No, the problem is that you ran out of steam. There were no more angry songs left in you. We were crying out for more and you went limp on us. No problem, but don’t lay this out on us saying we’re too dumb to know what we want. If you really believe that giving the fans what they want is wrong, then explain to me why I can’t name three songs from the last five Metallica albums but I pray to baby Jesus every night for the successful recovery of Jeff Hanneman so Slayer can get on with recording their new album… (For those of you who know anything about my views on religion or the contents of Slayer’s music will find that last bit particularly funny…)

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All this bile and angst from the childhood mistake of looking up to a rock star. Heroes let you down, that’s just part of life. But most often, they’re not dicks about it. Fuck you dude. Just… fuck you.

Did thrash run its course? Probably. Did it flicker and sputter while Metallica was gone from the scene? Sure. Are there plenty of bands that changed direction and I still listen to them? Absolutely! I think it’s hilarious that Dave Mustaine spent years and years trying to compete with the Metallica legend and it turns out Megadeth gave us a better metal catalog than the godfathers of thrash themselves.

The legacy of Metallica’s music is two of the best thrash albums ever (KeA, RtL), the greatest thrash/metal album ever (MoP), one great metal album (AJfA), a great metal/rock album (Bk), four weak attempts to play to the changing whims of the masses (L, rL, SM, StA) and one atrocious and failed attempt to recapture the past (DM).

Their music catalog is no better, no worse than you’d expect but the legacy of Metallica itself is one of betrayal and I have to say it, “No Remorse”.

The three of us were out to dinner.  ”Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” was playing quietly in the background.  During a lull in the conversation I look up at my wife and daughter and say, “I’ve never really liked U2.”

The hurt look on their faces still haunts me in my sleep…