Reminder

My feet were firmly planted in the dust.  I was preoccupied with preserving what I had and oblivious to how much I had to lose by allowing a bad situation to continue.

When the collar and leash get too tight, sometimes we forget that we can take it off.  Sometimes we endure too much in the name of “keeping”.

And so I was reminded that I had forsaken one of my core principles.

You people rarely get to hear me gush about how incredible my wife is but she is honestly the center of my being.  (That may be a bad thing from time to time…) Yesterday, when I went into a bit of a panic over a situation, she had the clarity to grab me by the shoulders and shake me until I woke up.  She reminded me of who I was.  Stand up, do the right thing no matter what happens.  Even though my actions could make the situation worse, I would be a fool to stand there and allow it to continue.

I never give her enough credit for how much support she gives me.  She makes me who I am and sometimes I forget just how god damn awesome I can be.

If it’s not one thing it’s a half dozen others… I thought that after June 12th, everything would calm down and maybe I could just take a breath and relax. NOT…

I haven’t done a “Karen’s update” in quite a while because she’s actually been behaving herself and doing quite well. Dumb of me to let my guard down. In the middle of one of our more vicious and most recent arguments Saturday, the phone rings and I answer it. She caught me off guard, I didn’t think before I spoke. The crying starts and she says, “I need a place to stay, can I come over?” My quick response – sure… Not thinking before I spoke. Apparently, my brother in law is unhappy, he’s been unhappy for months and he just doesn’t want her around anymore. He swears there is no one else – I’m shocked he wasn’t struck down by lightning on that lie..but he just doesn’t want her around anymore. And as always, her response was… I’ll be out as soon as I sucker someone into keeping me. I talk a little to her that night about how stupid she is for giving up so easy but, she just wants to be done with it and the best course is for her to quietly move out. Of course, she then gives me the swift kick in my back and says, “I know Liz is coming soon and I want to apologize if I interfere with her stay.” OH FUCK! She is so not going to ruin my time with Liz and where the hell am I going to put everyone if she stays for a while.? I don’t want her here, Chris and I are already tearing each others throats out on an hourly basis, what’s going to happen when she “moves” in. She’s NOT moving in.. I can’t handle another issue.  I hang up with the understanding she’s coming over Monday to talk and stay for a few days. Fighting resumes… sigh….

I call my dad and tell him what’s up. He blasts me for being stupid and even THINKING about letting her move in. I’m NOT letting her move in..it just popped out… the agreement to let her spend the night (or two). She’s 38 years old and she needs to stop screwing everyone over and grow up. She needs to stay in that house until she finds better accommodations and screw him and his unhappiness. Yeah yeah, I know but she still gets me when the tears start to flow.

So she calls me back Sunday and asks if I’ve talked with Chris and if he was okay with her moving in. MOVING IN??? Uh, you can’t move in…you can stay for a few days but you can’t move in.. Chris and I are on the brink of signing the papers ourselves, how the hell can we deal with that and deal with an emotional unstable user??? I hurt her feelings and I”m sorry, she just assumed I’d let her stay here and live off us. We’re barely keeping the house as it is how can we afford another person??? She started crying, saying she just wanted to leave, let it all go and just start over. I asked if she’ talked to her in-laws and let them know what was going on… No, she doesn’t want anyone to know. She’s worried she’ll lose her job etc. BULL SHIT.. I yelled at her,told her she was stupid and that she needed to scream to the world what an asshole he was and how he’s screwed her over for the 100th time. Nope, she’s playing martyr again – she’ll leave quietly, not take anything, put her dog up for adoption and make as little waves as possible. FUCKING IDIOT! I’d rip his balls off and feed them to the cats! But.. why should I be upset?? When money gets tight, he’ll call her back and she’ll go running. I don’t think she’ll be coming over today. I was pretty mean, even though I didn’t mean it. But darn it.. I’ve got my own problems right now, I can’t handle another persons right now. I need a break and I’m tired of being the one that puts my feelings and issues on hold to solve some other persons issues. And NO ONE is going to ruin my time with Liz. I’ve been looking forward to it for way too long to have someone interfere!!!

Chris says I’m the one that needs medications… maybe he’s right.. I guess I’ll discuss that with my doctor at the next appointment.

Oh my goodness! It’s the last day of school and we made it! It was touch and go there for a while, didn’t think we’d make it as a team but we did!

Becca had her graduation ceremony yesterday and it was pretty cool. Had a couple of issues, like me almost going postal but all and all it was nice. But I’m wondering… if they have a school full of scholars like they say they do, then WHY would they have the kids BLOCKING the crowd of excited parents when they got their medals? For some stupid reason the staff had the kids walk from the outside aisle to the middle for their awards (facing away from their parents) instead of walking from the middle of the aisle to the outside. It was very frustrating to me who picked her seat 1 1/2 hours before the darn ceremony so I’d get a good picture of Becca and in the end got nothing because not only was she facing away from me but the other kids standing in line blocked her AND the impatient rude parents who forgot there were other students and parents in the room blocked my view. I was so pissed! These parents just stood up, walked down the bleachers, got in line or around the line to and started taking pictures of their kids. It was chaos..Then…when it was Becca’s turn… I stayed in my seat like a good little girl.. I got a picture of some fat pregnant lady as she hobbled back up the steps, a picture of some old mans ass who thought he needed to run down to get his picture  and the head of the big old black lady whose child was behind mine and she needed MY seat to get her picture. I’m already an emotional wreck, I’m already emotionally unstable with my upcoming surgery, the pain in my stomach and the stress of finances, unrest in the family and my other responsibilities…do these people really know how close they were to being thrown down the fucking steps??? Chris kept reminding me that 2014 was going to be even worse… I doubt I’ll make it to then.. UGH..

Tomorrow is my last “official” event for Girl Scouts until August 23rd. We’ve got an event tonight and then an all day event in the Sun tomorrow UGH… Just when all my peeling stopped!!  But then I will be DONE!!  It will be a great break for me to gather my thoughts, get healthy and repair the damage that too much work caused my household. I’m tired, I’m cranky, I’m hurting and I just have nothing left in me. I hope the next few weeks will help. I need a break before I break! I can’t wait for my surgery, the pain is becoming more and more unbearable. I’m almost to the point of calling and asking for something stronger than Advil because I’m eating that like candy lately and it’s not helping at all!!! GRRR..

My Lizzie is coming down next week and we’re really excited… Except I got a phone call from my dad last night asking if I was “conspiring” against him to get Liz to move in with me. HUH? Liz told him we decided it would be best for her to move in with me until she graduates. I will home school her and then she’ll go to Flagler for College. Uh, well, she texted me and asked if she could move in and I told her to talk to dad and she was more than welcome. She asked me to look into homeschooling and I said ok.. that was it.. It was TEXTING for goodness sake.. So, dad said he was all for her moving down here with the poor people.. He wasn’t giving her a dime, so she’d have to live the way we were and if she could handle it… fine.. She’s actually thinking about it. But I’m sure the next 4 weeks of living here, she’ll change her mind.She’s just a 16 year old upset with her boyfriend. UGH!

All in all.. I’m just glad we made it. After tomorrow we’ll be able to regroup and find our footing again. I just hope it’s not too late…

I’m all for saving the animals, I hate the thought of dogs getting a “bad name” due to how they were raised or it’s just their breeding but I’ve got to say sometimes it’s just best to put them down. If I worked at a no kill shelter and took in dogs during their “foster look out” period when the people in charge search for the perfect home, you would assume I agreed with the no kill “theme”. Well, yeah, I do.. BUT.. If I took in a dog on a temporary basis while someone found him the “right home” and my cats mysteriously started disappearing only to be found later mutilated and…. uh,… dead.. I’d start to wonder… when 2 cats were found dead, I’d be quite concerned, when this dog has no problem attacking and wounding my other dogs (especially a sweet loveable 85 pound pit bull), I’d be pissed…when the new “foster” mom, returns the dog after 36 hours because she was terrified of him and he “jumped” at her, I’d be even more concerned. When the 3rd cat is found murdered and the dog is found ON the KITTEN (it was only a few weeks old) AND said dog earlier that day JUMPED AT ME… I’d just fucking destroy it! NO KILL MY ASS! That dog would be first on the days schedule to be put down. This dog gives GOOD Pit Bulls a bad name and I’m ashamed to hear that nothing is going to be done AND they are going to continue to keep the dog while a “perfect home” is found. It just pisses me off. I will say, I will not be visiting and neither will Becca until this dog is gone.  When I said the dog needed to be destroyed the response I got was.. It’s covered under the “no kill” contract so it can’t be destroyed. Well then I’m going to call the county and tell them there is a dog killing cats and have THEM do it. The “boss” -the one sleeping (or trying to) with a certain co-worker – will not take the dog back and says it needs to stay where it is until a permanent home is found. Now THAT’S loyalty (or stupidity) to a company. NO JOB is worth losing your animals or your life for and I’m sure I’ll be getting a phone call soon letting me know someone I know/love is in the hospital (or dead) due to a PIT BULL ATTACK!! GRRR!!!