HELP

I haven’t posted anything lately because honestly? I really have nothing funny or interesting to talk about but..The past two days have just been so crazy I feel I need to type out the craziness of my life! (sigh)

Yesterday was my follow up Doctor’s appointment with blood work. Why can’t they just call and tell me this over the phone? Why do we have to pay an additional $20 to sit in a room and have them tell us stuff they can say over the freaking phone? Well..It doesn’t really matter since I had to have a heart echo before the appointment but seriously – we’ve got phones and emails – stop making me pay the extra $20!

So, the day was horrible. My Terrible Twos are trying to kill each other, my 1 year old is following in Chaos’s footsteps by hitting and pinching everyone in sight and my little babies are teething so they are miserable. I had to wait for Chris to come home (to help with Chaos and give me the car) and hope Karen woke up to help out with the rest of my monsters so I could get to the appointment. Chris gets home, I’m beyond stressed and have a slight melt down right before leaving – so as you can guess – my Blood pressure was sky high. I get to the doctor’s they forget about my echo – put me in the room for my regular appointment then have to “find” me to make me get the echo- AHHH CHAOS! It was fun watching my crazy heart jump all over the screen – the technician explained everything too me.. Really cool.. but I’m off topic….I get to my designated room, my doctor comes in and informs me I have two options (before even saying hello!) Either I lie down for 20 minutes, relax, close my eyes and just breathe- so she can recheck my BP.. or she was going to call an ambulance to take me to the ER.. Hmmm, guess it was a little high! I chose option 1 and luckily after 20 minutes, my BP went down to a manageable number. How I don’t know since I was stressing over hurrying this appointment up so I could get back home before the kids went home, worrying about getting dinner ready so I could get to my next GS meeting.. UGH..

We then had a nice chat- she should have become a psychologist…Why is my BP high? Stress? She asks what my daily routine is, then asks about my week. I, of course, explain I’ve got a crazy non-medicated bi-polar husband, a 10th grade gifted student-fighting for bus transpo, home day care, Leader to 2 troops and Secretary to our Service Unit. I also told her I have my sister living with me.GRRR!  Every body has a busy life, why do you think mine is so crazy? Everyone is crazy! She asks why I take on so much? She says yes, it’s definitely stress (among other things) causing my high BP. I told her I just can’t say NO. I like helping people.

Doc – “And why is that?”

“huh?”

Doc – “Why can’t you say NO? Why do you always want to help people? Why do you feel like you HAVE to say yes?  Do you have the need to feel loved?”

“Uh, HUH? Doesn’t everyone have the need to feel loved?”

Doc -”Well, yes, but you seem to have an obsessive need to feel loved – why is that?”

GULP.. “I don’t know”…

I guess that’s something to think about. So, now that she feels I have this obsessive need to feel loved, I have to go back in 3 weeks to get my blood work rechecked. If it’s still bad.. SHE will be making changes to my home life/schedule. THIS should be fun…. I didn’t realize I had a problem.. Hmmmm. So if you see any crazy comments on facebook or anything like that about me not feeling loved… NOW you know.. I’m really unloved…

And on today… The BP is raging right now, my face is on fire and my chest is shaking. Sound familiar? Yeah, that always happens when I have to deal with the PSYCHO! That’s right, the Psycho is back and I had to deal with her tonight. Why? It’s not my job – I’m no longer the coach, I’m no longer the Daisy leader – I know, I know but.. She was harassing my brownie co-leader and I just had to step up and deal with it. Causing a scene at an Open House – sheesh what is the world coming to. Actually had to bring Chris in to intimidate her enough to make her leave my recruitment booth. After tonight, I’m sure I’ll need to look over my shoulder for a while because that lady definitely wanted to see my head on the hood of her car – or probably under it. They’ve tried all summer to get me to go back as being a coach. I don’t WANT to be a coach – I love being a co-leader with my two wonderful troops – I don’t WANT to work with the other troops – and what did they do? They dragged me into it tonight. It’s my fault, I know it but I couldn’t let this wonderful lady be attacked (like I have been in the past) by this crazy lady. We had a recruitment at an open house. I was told I needed to find someone to cover our table so I asked my Co-leader to handle it. After I set this up one of the “higher ups” took it upon herself to ask the new leader of my former troop to handle it, thinking I wouldn’t find someone to cover it -tsk tsk, don’t tell me to do something and then step on my toes – chaos happens…. So my co-leader shows up and sets up the booth. A few minutes later Psycho shows up – WHY? Because the new Daisy leader was running late and she asked her to step in – great idea except she had no paperwork, she didn’t know what to do and she dressed like a freaking slob – not only that- she’s been BANNED from every OFFICIAL GS event!!Good God REALLY? Where is your brain. The event started at 6:30 – the daisy leader shows up after 7! It’s a good thing my co-leader was there on time and FREAKING PREPARED!  So, I had to kick psycho out -though she refused to leave, acting belligerent informing me she was staying until her leader showed up. I outrank them both, I’m there, I don’t NEED YOU HERE!!! She refused to leave…. Chris shows up… she quietly slips away down the hall. I love my big bear of a husband! There is so much more to this story but… it’s all babble. So much going on, so much stress again. I’m almost hoping my doctor steps in and puts her foot down. How much more can I take before my heart calls a halt to it all? Just please, give me a few minutes to punch her in the face before you give out on me, heart!

Yes, I bring it on myself. Yes, I do this to myself. I’m NOT complaining… my doctor is, my husband is, my heart is…. I need a drink….

For anyone that’s already read my two previous posts – I didn’t delete them.. I put them on private – not because I felt I was wrong in venting my anger but because I THOUGHT I’d already placed them in private. One of those “self help written rages” that no one should have seen or heard..GULP.. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if they’d accidentally found Chris’s webpage and read what I wrote. Yeah, I’m confusing and retarded… I love to complain but don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but voicing my rage… I’ll do a better update later – minus the rage and cursing….:)

How do I react? What should I feel? The thoughts race through my head and I just don’t know what to say.

A few weeks ago my sister informed me she was moving to Atlanta. Believe me, I was quite shocked to hear her say this.

She’s been having a blast the past few months finding her old gang on Facebook and getting back in touch with all her old beau’s. We even had one of them spend Christmas day with us. She and Jeff have been separated (though still living together) for over a year. He has his girl friends, she has her guys. A few months ago, she told me she found her favorite old boyfriend on FB, he lives in Atlanta, doing well for himself and he comes to Jax every once in a while to visit his family. He actually came down just to visit with Karen last month. Didn’t think much of it-this has been the same way she’s met up with each of the old guys. SO, I’m a little shocked when she calls me up and tells me she gave a 60 day notice to her work – she was moving to Atlanta the beginning of September. WOW, shocking but.. eh, it’s a Karen thing – she won’t go through with it. Imagine my surprise when she called me Friday and informed me she was leaving this Monday.Not two weeks after she called and said she was giving 60 days! She was fed up with her job, Jeff wanted her out of the house and she was ready for a new adventure. Huh.. I guess she was serious.  She stopped by today to pick up her few things she’s left here and she’s packing up tomorrow for the drive.

How do I feel? Sad? Heartbroken? Relieved? I don’t know. I do know that I was shocked to see the huge tears running down my baby girls face when she heard me tell Chris that Karen was actually moving. Who’da thunk Becca would be so upset about it? Karen hasn’t “been there” for anyone in so long -I never realized that she actually HAS been there for Becca. Becca is so upset that her Aunt is leaving. THAT breaks my heart, knowing Becca is hurting but honestly.. I think it’s best, I think Karen is due for a new adventure (far far away from me) and I think Atlanta is a great place to start it.

My brother is beyond furious. I found that Karen’s new home is 33 miles from my brothers house – 53 minutes away. Oh giggle giggle, I wish I were near when they get their 1st view of each other again after 12 years. Yeah, that’s childish I know.. but HEY, what are sisters for right?

I guess-selfish as I am.. I’m just pissed that I was the one that swore I would be out of this state long before anyone else. I hate Florida, I have hated Florida since I found out I had to move here back in ’83…and look at me now..My entire family has left this god-awful state..including my black sheep sister…and I’m still freaking stuck here with no way of getting out of here.GOD I HATE THIS PLACE…I’m happy for my sister, I’m glad she’s able to step up and finally go her own away..(and feel sorry for my brother cause he’s now VERY CLOSE to her) I hope she enjoys her new adventure and hope it all works out..

So.. What do I do now? The drama continues..

We’re dealing with another year of schooling issues with Becca. We swore before Becca left middle school that if she didn’t get into Stanton, we’d pack up and leave and find Becca an awesome school up North. We stayed because she got into the 2nd best school. Now, transportation for Becca’s school has been canceled. Thanks to our wonderful Duval County School System, they’ve canceled Magnet school transportation. What do we do? Gut response – MOVE MOVE MOVE.. Common sense? We stay until Becca graduates..thus giving us the dilemma of HOW does Becca get to school? Chris could take her most mornings – as long as he doesn’t get called out. He could pick her up most afternoons (as long as he doesn’t get called out) but what happens if he gets called out to Valdosta or Savannah? We have just one car and her school is 40 freaking minutes away! The bus companies have come up with a plan to find “convenient” bus stops for those 5200 Magnet screwed kids – at a cost of $1100. Until recently they stated it was due in full before the school year started (we found this out July 1st!) Who has that kind of money? I just got out of foreclosure UGH! I’m working on getting an assistant to see if I can take and pick her up BUT.. I’d need to get a new car in addition to paying an assistant. It’s all screwed up, it all sucks, I love to complain and I’m just so freaking tired of drama  being thrown our way. Becca is in constant hysterics about having to leave her school, going to a sucky school, moving away. Why’d we move out to BFE? Come on 2014! I am so ready to………..

It’s over, it’s done and I am confident (fingers crossed) that we have finally reached closure.

Tonight was our 2nd annual POP TOP Winner party – our cluster collected can tabs for Ronald McDonald House. The top 3 troops that collected the most win a Pizza/Dance Party. My older girls didn’t participate this year so we volunteered to man the concession stand. We’re trying to earn money for finance our Cruise in 2014. Anyway, my former Daisy troop was the winner this year – worries that issues would occur with all of us there were top thoughts in our minds.

What a relief – NO ISSUES. Psycho showed up – she stayed clear of the concession stand forcing her daughter to come up and purchase items. The crazy cookie mom – stayed clear of the concession stand also. I was tired, cranky and more than willing to cause a scene tonight at the smallest provocation. I’m spoiling for a fight, I really am. I happen to turn around when the kitchen door opens and who walks in? The new leader! Michelle is oh so polite with the Hi How ya doing and the new leader is all smiles and talkative. I guess after their bridging ceremony and my “niceness” she thought all was well – well… it was kinda – I’m just still a little hurt but.. doesn’t matter. Anyway, She’s nice, talkative and makes a few comments about not returning next year.Hmm, wonder what that’s about?   About an hour later she shows back up with the excuse of stealing another slice of pizza. She asks to speak to me and then proceeds to ask my forgiveness for her behavior. She tells me she is sorry for the way she treated me, spoke to me and spoke of me. She told me she was sorry for believing and allowing others to influence her judgement of me. (well.. somewhere along those lines). She told me her heart was hurting with how she behaved and asked if I could forgive her. To my amazement there were actual tears in her eyes. So, as everyone who knows me…knows what I did. I said, “THANK YOU” and allowed a small hug. I said, “See? I’m not as bad as THEY say I am”. She smiles and all is well. Obviously she didn’t notice (or care) that I did not say “I forgive you”. I won’t. I don’t forgive and I WON’T forget. Petty, I know but…Anyway – a short while later one of my favorite “moms” comes into the kitchen informs me she heard I got an apology and then informed me that she was asked to try to convince me to come back(by the new leader) !! Sheesh! And I thought it was a heartfelt apology – it was just a way to get me back so she could quit! UGH..

Well, the final laugh is on them – I’ve joined another troop and will be weeding out my favorites to get them to come to my new troop – screw the bitches – they can get a new troop on their own. Am I bitter? Yes…

But.. I got the apology (for what it’s worth) that I was looking for and I’m done.. Chapter done, booked closed.