In need of a shrink

I was talking with a friend of mine last night and she informed me I needed to find a friend, someone who could listen to me vent and not respond to my babbling with the usual responses I always get when I complain about this subject. She told me that even she couldn’t just listen because the urge to protect me from myself was too strong and she’d end up lecturing me and giving me advice I’ve heard over and over and over again. I know what I SHOULD do, I know what I HAVE to do, I know what I NEED to do, but it always ends up that I just hang my head and do what I do. It sucks, my chest is killing me, the lump is in my throat and the tears are dying to fall.

My sister is coming back into town. WHAT? She left? Again? Yep, a little over a month ago she took off for Atlanta to be with her new beau. I didn’t want to write about it, I didn’t want to jinx myself, I didn’t want to giggle with glee that I was finally able to breathe without having to worry about what trouble she was going to get into next. I knew it wouldn’t last,  but I didn’t want to think about it because I knew, I KNEW something would go wrong and she’d come back and I’d be in the same predicament I’m in every other time – help her out because she has no where to go.

Long story short – same ole’ same ole’ – He took her money, he took her car (he didn’t want the sex). She’s stuck at the house, no money, no food, no way to find a job. She cleans his house, washes his clothes and fixes his dinner but since she didn’t purchase the food, she’s not allowed to eat it. Hasn’t eaten in 6 days, has had nothing but water for 2 weeks because there aren’t any teabags or sugar for tea – and so on and so on. Apparently he’s also been verbally abusive and has thrown things at her. LOSER!!!

After I made arrangements to take my dogs down to my in-laws for two weeks so I could visit my dad at Thanksgiving, she calls and tells me she needs a place to stay over the holiday because this guys kid is coming to stay with him and she can’t be there – not allowed until after the divorce is final. NOT! I refused to allow her to stay here, she ended up getting a hotel for the weekend. This time – the kid is coming for the weekend and he has no money for a hotel, SHE has no money for a hotel so he was going to move his truck (that doesn’t work) somewhere so she could stay in the truck for a few days while the kid was at the house – REALLY? REALLY!!! She’s been talking with her ex-husband and apparently he offered to wire her money to come “home”… Not his home mind you… but Jacksonville. She told me she WAS going to just show up on my door step on Monday and say “Surprise I’m back” but figured I’d be a little upset so instead she called to give me her story and hint that she needs a place to stay for another while. OH GOD I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN!

I immediately email my brother and dad and let them know what’s going on – and of course their response was the usual – DON’T do it, let her live on the street, call women’s shelters – DON’T DO IT! The usual speech that I get from everyone – all the way down to the – Don’t be stupid Teresa, don’t be stupid. Yeah, well, I know that. I know I’m stupid when it comes to my sister. I KNOW THAT. What’s wrong with me? If I hear “enabler” one more time I’m going to scream. I KNOW THAT!! No disrespect to my other family members, I love them dearly,  but… THEY aren’t here dealing with it. THEY are hundreds of miles away with no contact with her -it’s easy to give advice when you don’t have to see them face to face with tears in their eyes and suitcase in hand. Come down here and say it to her – see how YOU FEEL!!!! I don’t want her here, I can’t have her here but it breaks my heart knowing I have a space for her and I’m making her stay on the street. I know.. I know I’m not doing it.. She’s doing it… but….GOD I can’t even explain myself. I NEED to help her, she’s my sister and I love her and my heart just can’t handle knowing she’s suffering (even though she does it to herself.) I want to scream at her, I want to shout and smack her and just beat some sense into her head. But when she shows up and starts to cry, I crumble and need to help, need to make her happy, need to comfort. I have nightmare’s that the cops will show up at my door and tell me there’s been an accident, she’ll be gone. It’ll be my fault because I refused to help her, the guilt will eat me alive. Yeah, I know – that’s stupid -she’s 38 and needs to grow up – but who says I’m rational?

I can’t take much more, I’m going to explode. Chris is on his downward spiral (and fighting valiantly to stay sane) Becca is having issues at school, my day care and Girl Scouts are taking over my life and I’m just down right tired(who has time for doctor visits???) . My head says, “DON’T DO IT, DON’T DO IT” but when she shows up Monday – my heart will be exploding – I can’t do it, it will ruin… ahh crap, it’ll just suck. “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO”

Tonight was the first night in 7 years that I felt uncomfortable at my GS meeting. It was the strangest feeling. I have finally realized why I don’t speak out and state my opinion, why I stay quiet and just listen – Because I don’t want to sound like an idiot or feel as bad as I felt this evening.

Hopefully I can explain what happened tonight clearly.. I’m not good with words and of course my thought process is shotty lately…

Each week the girls start off the meeting with current events. Most of the times the girls just talk about their crappy teachers or how they did on tests but some times, they actually come in with an interesting news story to tell the group. Last week I heard/read a neat news story and thought I’d share it with the group. It was a Girl Scout news story so I thought it’d be cool to share…. My mistake…

The story was about a 7 year old boy who wanted to join Girl Scouts. From what I read, apparently he’s grown up a girl in a boys body. Transgender? He went to a Girl Scout meeting and attempted to register but the Scout leader refused him. Girl Scouts is for Girls, not boys. Girl Scouts does not discriminate against race, gender or sexual preference or religion (unlike the Boy Scouts). We accept everyone – so why not this little boy? The leader attempted to explain about “GIRLS” only in Girl Scouts but the parents wouldn’t accept that – they went to the local Council to complain. After explaining Girl Scout policies about it being a “GIRL” only institution, the parents explained the child’s upbringing, explaining he was being raised as a girl. Girl Scouts then accepted him/her into the program allowing that we do not discriminate against…. anyone.. so Transgenders are welcome… How do you feel???

Well, I understand both sides of the argument, really I do but for me personally… WOO HOO. Girl Scouts ACCEPTS EVERYONE..no exceptions. I love it. Just when I think I’m ready to quit, they go and do something like this.. Amazing! I’m bringing Becca up to accept everyone – I don’t care of their race, religion, sexual preference or gender – There isn’t much Becca can rebel against because we’ll accept her anyway she is… well, unless she becomes a serial killer – then I may have to say something to her!

But anyway, I understand people will have issues with this child being in the same dorm as the other girls – why? Because he still has a penis! Yeah, I understand that, but I don’t see why the child can’t attend Girl Scout outings, learn leadership skills, do arts and crafts and just have fun just because the child has a penis…. Hell, one of my girls little brother has been in our troop for YEARS and no one has said a darn word!!! BUT… My fellow troop mom’s disagree – I couldn’t believe the hostility spewing from them concerning this article. Here I was talking to the girls about acceptance of those that are different and these mom’s are throwing insults about allowing “strange” children in with their girls. We have Girl Scouts so our girls can be safe, not having to worry about boys/men in our groups. I know there are going to have to be some adjustments to our ways with the “acceptance” of girls with penis but I’m sure in this century we could find a way to integrate them into our programs… RIGHT??? Am I wrong? Am I too accepting?

What is wrong with the world today? I joined Girl Scouts to help girls become our future leaders. Future Leaders that are open and accepting of change – building on making the world a better place!! I thought the idea was for them to accept everyone no matter what, to make our future better by not having these nasty bias/racist/bigotted attitudes. I have fought so many battles with the girls – not doing any of the “hard” work but getting all the benefits that the hard workers receive, not selling cookies but going on the field trips for free etc. I don’t want Becca thinking it’s okay to be lazy because she’ll still get all the rewards.I fight her yearly about selling cookies because I won’t allow her to go on the end of the year trip without selling cookies, she understands she has to pull her own weight.. But I also don’t want Becca  to not accept someone-just because they are different… So what if someone is gay, so what if someone is transgender, so what if they are atheist or christian  - what’s the big deal? Really? What’s the big deal? If they are nice to you… be nice back.

These women are my friends, I love them dearly but tonight was shocking. I’ve never heard such hostility from them. Even if I am wrong in my thoughts and opinions, I would have thought they’d respond a little differently – especially in front of their girls. I felt so uncomfortable and unwelcome. The remainder of the meeting except for my one friend and her daughter – the women stayed at one end of the table, while I sat at the other…. I’m glad I’m home now…back in my hole… where I feel safe;(

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Yep, that’s the story of my life.

Last night I had planned to tell Michelle (my co-leader with our Senior Troop) that I was resigning my position from everything. No more Brownies, No more Seniors, no more Secretary and no more rug to step on. I was so beyond pissed I was near tears and just ready to throw in the towel for good. And then, I walk into my meeting and my sweet wonderful girls hollered “Surprise” and gave me the most amazingly perfect Surprise Party I’ve ever had. How can I resign now?

Rewind… a few hours… (wednesday)

My phone is ringing off the hook all day. I don’t answer it because I’m trying to make sure Chaos doesn’t kill anyone. I never answer the phone during the day unless it’s family or my babies parents. That’s my rule. I’m not dealing with Girl Scouts during the hours of 7am-6pm. The phone is ringing like crazy, the phone calls are all questions about a recruitment that’s supposed to be happening Wednesday night at MRE. Since that’s my normal meeting night I never signed up for it so I have no clue why these people are calling me. Then my email goes crazy about something that apparently happened 2 years ago – like I’m supposed to remember something that happened 2 freaking years ago?? Won’t even go into that story because it’s way too freaking bazaar! I’m also receiving emails about placing K-1 girls in my Daisy troop. HELLO!! I’m not a Daisy leader! But my Member specialist doesn’t want to hear that – she wants me to be coach, Daisy leader blah blah blah… Anyway – I contact Council about all these stupid calls, my member specialist informs me I need to contact our Junior leader, she’s supposed to be covering this event – it’s all covered. Okay, so I ignore the calls, it will all work out at the meeting. 6:00 comes, I’m done my shower ready to head out to my meeting – my neighbor comes over in hysterics about her dog – long story there – but I promise to sign a petition swearing her sweet baby is not a nasty killer. My cell phone and house phone ring in unison – don’t know the numbers – I ignore it. I HAVE to get out to my meeting. 6:10 I’m still home, I have over 7 phone calls – irate parents at MRE wanting to know where the GS Leader is that is supposed to talk to them about recruitment – WHO THE HELL GAVE THESE PEOPLE MY NUMBER??? So, I stop what I’m doing and start making phone calls – I speak to my Junior leader – she knows nothing, I speak to my SUM – she knows nothing, I talk to my Recruitment officer – SHE knows nothing – How the hell did these people get my number??? They tell me I should go up and soothe these parents, talk to them and explain the lack of communications in GS. HELLO? I’m on my way to my OWN freaking meeting. I CAN’T do this recruitment!!! I’m in tears, I’m running late, I walk outside and…. my car is up on Jacks… Apparently Chris decides now is the time to check my oil. I’m about ready to cry, tears are filling my eyes, I’m arguing with people on my cell and I’m going to be so freaking late to my meeting. I get a text – Michelle is going to be late! UGH! I want to just call her and tell her I’m not coming!! I’ve had enough. Chris finally takes the car down, we get in the car and I just start screaming. Poor Becca, she just sat there and listened. Tried to contact Lori (one of my GS mom’s) to let her know we’d be late – but.. .Dumb me never put her number in my new cell – I’ve had the damn thing for 3 months – you’d figure I’d put her number in there. I’m screaming, I’m hollering I’m over 15 minutes late to my meeting. How bad is that? I’m the leader and I’m freaking late! My cheeks are burning, my eyes are burning and I just want to curl up and cry.

We get to the meeting, we walk in and everyone hollers “Surprise”. I almost had a heart attack! They all have party hats on, the place is decorated and the table laden with all my favorite foods. Pictures are taken, I’m told to sit down and they have a little presentation for me. A couple of the girls (and mom’s)had speeches to read – how I’ve influenced their lives, and so on. It was awesomely amazing. For someone feeling so down and stressed, it was just so wonderful to walk into this surprise. I jokingly remarked, “I guess I can’t turn in my resignation now.” Of course I have to explain to them my chaotic day! They then explain that – Chris was suppose to “stall” me – hence -the fixing of my car so they could decorate and set up. Why Michelle informed me she was late? I’m unclear – but, they had their reasons I guess. I love my girls, and I really don’t want to abandon them because of this crazy chaos that’s going on outside the troop. Decision made, I’ll quit everything but my Seniors…

Fast forward…to home…

I come home from my meeting in a happy mood. I walk in the door and both Karen and Chris inform me there is a message on the machine I need to listen to. It’s from an irate parent. They inform me that had they not been afraid of embarrassing me and/or Girl Scouts, they would have picked up the phone and cussed this woman out. Apparently she was very rude. It was a difficult night, I’m sure parents are upset so I’m not worried about a rude parent… Until I hear the message. Its not from an irate parent, it’s from the new leader of my former daisy troop – the bitch that accused me of stealing. She’s been getting calls all night about a meeting at MRE, apparently there is a flier with her name and number on it and people are wondering why she never showed up to talk to them. (Now I know where people got MY name and number – A FLIER!) She wants to know why I put her name on the flier and did not notify her, why I told people she’d be at a meeting and never told her about the meeting (and so on and so on). She informed me I was unprofessional and she was not happy with me. It got worse, but I was already seeing red so I had to quit listening. I get accused of this and I had nothing to do with it. I immediately hit my computer and throw out an email to my SUM and the member specialist. I think I was pretty professional, but I did tell them there would be serious consequences if this woman contacted me ever again.I want NO contact with her or else. Yeah, or else. I told them she was not my friend, I was not her co-leader, coach, friend or co-worker and I want NOTHING to do with her. My SUM backed me up….and tonight…my Member specialist made it out to be a big joke.

Tonight…

“Why can’t we all get along? We all need to work together and let sensitive feelings go.” Oh, NO SHE DIDN’T! This was the theme of our SU meeting tonight. Our membership specialist stared at me the entire time. I’m sure everyone was wondering what the heck she was talking about. And then at the end of the meeting she pulled me aside and explained to me the confusion of last night, made a joke out of it and then called the “BITCH” over to us to tease her about it. I looked at my SU and asked, “Do you need me?” She looked up, grinned and said, “Nope”.. I’m out of here – I walked out of the door before the Bitch and MS could say anything to me. If she does, I swear Chris will be bailing me out of jail or visiting me in the hospital because I’m gonna blow.

I’m giving it a day or two to let this blow over, then I’ll be putting in my resignation for Secretary and Brownie leader. I’m still going to help the Brownies because I don’t want to let them down, and don’t want to lose my friendships with the mom’s (and I just LOVE this troop!!!), But I’ll be an unofficial helper – NOT on GS paperwork. I’m so over this crap. I won’t let them walk all over me any more.

I should delete this now, I feel better after ranting – though my face is still burning – what’s with this burning feeling? It’s been going on for the past 4 days – ridiculous!!

I haven’t posted anything lately because honestly? I really have nothing funny or interesting to talk about but..The past two days have just been so crazy I feel I need to type out the craziness of my life! (sigh)

Yesterday was my follow up Doctor’s appointment with blood work. Why can’t they just call and tell me this over the phone? Why do we have to pay an additional $20 to sit in a room and have them tell us stuff they can say over the freaking phone? Well..It doesn’t really matter since I had to have a heart echo before the appointment but seriously – we’ve got phones and emails – stop making me pay the extra $20!

So, the day was horrible. My Terrible Twos are trying to kill each other, my 1 year old is following in Chaos’s footsteps by hitting and pinching everyone in sight and my little babies are teething so they are miserable. I had to wait for Chris to come home (to help with Chaos and give me the car) and hope Karen woke up to help out with the rest of my monsters so I could get to the appointment. Chris gets home, I’m beyond stressed and have a slight melt down right before leaving – so as you can guess – my Blood pressure was sky high. I get to the doctor’s they forget about my echo – put me in the room for my regular appointment then have to “find” me to make me get the echo- AHHH CHAOS! It was fun watching my crazy heart jump all over the screen – the technician explained everything too me.. Really cool.. but I’m off topic….I get to my designated room, my doctor comes in and informs me I have two options (before even saying hello!) Either I lie down for 20 minutes, relax, close my eyes and just breathe- so she can recheck my BP.. or she was going to call an ambulance to take me to the ER.. Hmmm, guess it was a little high! I chose option 1 and luckily after 20 minutes, my BP went down to a manageable number. How I don’t know since I was stressing over hurrying this appointment up so I could get back home before the kids went home, worrying about getting dinner ready so I could get to my next GS meeting.. UGH..

We then had a nice chat- she should have become a psychologist…Why is my BP high? Stress? She asks what my daily routine is, then asks about my week. I, of course, explain I’ve got a crazy non-medicated bi-polar husband, a 10th grade gifted student-fighting for bus transpo, home day care, Leader to 2 troops and Secretary to our Service Unit. I also told her I have my sister living with me.GRRR!  Every body has a busy life, why do you think mine is so crazy? Everyone is crazy! She asks why I take on so much? She says yes, it’s definitely stress (among other things) causing my high BP. I told her I just can’t say NO. I like helping people.

Doc – “And why is that?”

“huh?”

Doc – “Why can’t you say NO? Why do you always want to help people? Why do you feel like you HAVE to say yes?  Do you have the need to feel loved?”

“Uh, HUH? Doesn’t everyone have the need to feel loved?”

Doc -”Well, yes, but you seem to have an obsessive need to feel loved – why is that?”

GULP.. “I don’t know”…

I guess that’s something to think about. So, now that she feels I have this obsessive need to feel loved, I have to go back in 3 weeks to get my blood work rechecked. If it’s still bad.. SHE will be making changes to my home life/schedule. THIS should be fun…. I didn’t realize I had a problem.. Hmmmm. So if you see any crazy comments on facebook or anything like that about me not feeling loved… NOW you know.. I’m really unloved…

And on today… The BP is raging right now, my face is on fire and my chest is shaking. Sound familiar? Yeah, that always happens when I have to deal with the PSYCHO! That’s right, the Psycho is back and I had to deal with her tonight. Why? It’s not my job – I’m no longer the coach, I’m no longer the Daisy leader – I know, I know but.. She was harassing my brownie co-leader and I just had to step up and deal with it. Causing a scene at an Open House – sheesh what is the world coming to. Actually had to bring Chris in to intimidate her enough to make her leave my recruitment booth. After tonight, I’m sure I’ll need to look over my shoulder for a while because that lady definitely wanted to see my head on the hood of her car – or probably under it. They’ve tried all summer to get me to go back as being a coach. I don’t WANT to be a coach – I love being a co-leader with my two wonderful troops – I don’t WANT to work with the other troops – and what did they do? They dragged me into it tonight. It’s my fault, I know it but I couldn’t let this wonderful lady be attacked (like I have been in the past) by this crazy lady. We had a recruitment at an open house. I was told I needed to find someone to cover our table so I asked my Co-leader to handle it. After I set this up one of the “higher ups” took it upon herself to ask the new leader of my former troop to handle it, thinking I wouldn’t find someone to cover it -tsk tsk, don’t tell me to do something and then step on my toes – chaos happens…. So my co-leader shows up and sets up the booth. A few minutes later Psycho shows up – WHY? Because the new Daisy leader was running late and she asked her to step in – great idea except she had no paperwork, she didn’t know what to do and she dressed like a freaking slob – not only that- she’s been BANNED from every OFFICIAL GS event!!Good God REALLY? Where is your brain. The event started at 6:30 – the daisy leader shows up after 7! It’s a good thing my co-leader was there on time and FREAKING PREPARED!  So, I had to kick psycho out -though she refused to leave, acting belligerent informing me she was staying until her leader showed up. I outrank them both, I’m there, I don’t NEED YOU HERE!!! She refused to leave…. Chris shows up… she quietly slips away down the hall. I love my big bear of a husband! There is so much more to this story but… it’s all babble. So much going on, so much stress again. I’m almost hoping my doctor steps in and puts her foot down. How much more can I take before my heart calls a halt to it all? Just please, give me a few minutes to punch her in the face before you give out on me, heart!

Yes, I bring it on myself. Yes, I do this to myself. I’m NOT complaining… my doctor is, my husband is, my heart is…. I need a drink….