In need of a shrink

I was talking with a friend of mine last night and she informed me I needed to find a friend, someone who could listen to me vent and not respond to my babbling with the usual responses I always get when I complain about this subject. She told me that even she couldn’t just listen because the urge to protect me from myself was too strong and she’d end up lecturing me and giving me advice I’ve heard over and over and over again. I know what I SHOULD do, I know what I HAVE to do, I know what I NEED to do, but it always ends up that I just hang my head and do what I do. It sucks, my chest is killing me, the lump is in my throat and the tears are dying to fall.

My sister is coming back into town. WHAT? She left? Again? Yep, a little over a month ago she took off for Atlanta to be with her new beau. I didn’t want to write about it, I didn’t want to jinx myself, I didn’t want to giggle with glee that I was finally able to breathe without having to worry about what trouble she was going to get into next. I knew it wouldn’t last,  but I didn’t want to think about it because I knew, I KNEW something would go wrong and she’d come back and I’d be in the same predicament I’m in every other time – help her out because she has no where to go.

Long story short – same ole’ same ole’ – He took her money, he took her car (he didn’t want the sex). She’s stuck at the house, no money, no food, no way to find a job. She cleans his house, washes his clothes and fixes his dinner but since she didn’t purchase the food, she’s not allowed to eat it. Hasn’t eaten in 6 days, has had nothing but water for 2 weeks because there aren’t any teabags or sugar for tea – and so on and so on. Apparently he’s also been verbally abusive and has thrown things at her. LOSER!!!

After I made arrangements to take my dogs down to my in-laws for two weeks so I could visit my dad at Thanksgiving, she calls and tells me she needs a place to stay over the holiday because this guys kid is coming to stay with him and she can’t be there – not allowed until after the divorce is final. NOT! I refused to allow her to stay here, she ended up getting a hotel for the weekend. This time – the kid is coming for the weekend and he has no money for a hotel, SHE has no money for a hotel so he was going to move his truck (that doesn’t work) somewhere so she could stay in the truck for a few days while the kid was at the house – REALLY? REALLY!!! She’s been talking with her ex-husband and apparently he offered to wire her money to come “home”… Not his home mind you… but Jacksonville. She told me she WAS going to just show up on my door step on Monday and say “Surprise I’m back” but figured I’d be a little upset so instead she called to give me her story and hint that she needs a place to stay for another while. OH GOD I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN!

I immediately email my brother and dad and let them know what’s going on – and of course their response was the usual – DON’T do it, let her live on the street, call women’s shelters – DON’T DO IT! The usual speech that I get from everyone – all the way down to the – Don’t be stupid Teresa, don’t be stupid. Yeah, well, I know that. I know I’m stupid when it comes to my sister. I KNOW THAT. What’s wrong with me? If I hear “enabler” one more time I’m going to scream. I KNOW THAT!! No disrespect to my other family members, I love them dearly,  but… THEY aren’t here dealing with it. THEY are hundreds of miles away with no contact with her -it’s easy to give advice when you don’t have to see them face to face with tears in their eyes and suitcase in hand. Come down here and say it to her – see how YOU FEEL!!!! I don’t want her here, I can’t have her here but it breaks my heart knowing I have a space for her and I’m making her stay on the street. I know.. I know I’m not doing it.. She’s doing it… but….GOD I can’t even explain myself. I NEED to help her, she’s my sister and I love her and my heart just can’t handle knowing she’s suffering (even though she does it to herself.) I want to scream at her, I want to shout and smack her and just beat some sense into her head. But when she shows up and starts to cry, I crumble and need to help, need to make her happy, need to comfort. I have nightmare’s that the cops will show up at my door and tell me there’s been an accident, she’ll be gone. It’ll be my fault because I refused to help her, the guilt will eat me alive. Yeah, I know – that’s stupid -she’s 38 and needs to grow up – but who says I’m rational?

I can’t take much more, I’m going to explode. Chris is on his downward spiral (and fighting valiantly to stay sane) Becca is having issues at school, my day care and Girl Scouts are taking over my life and I’m just down right tired(who has time for doctor visits???) . My head says, “DON’T DO IT, DON’T DO IT” but when she shows up Monday – my heart will be exploding – I can’t do it, it will ruin… ahh crap, it’ll just suck. “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO”