[September; Still adjusting to the severe decrease in pay.  Struggling with the bills but not falling behind yet.  Receive package from bank]

“Hey there Mr. Morgan.  We know times are tough and we see that you were a couple days late on a few payments this year.  As part of the financial restructuring process all of America is going through, we’d like to offer you the chance to apply for some assistance with your mortgage payments.”

[Application sent]

“Well it looks like you qualify for six months of lowered payments.  Here is a payment schedule.  You’ll be making just over half of your normal mortgage payment until February and then we’ll talk again to see if you’re back on track or if maybe we need to extend this program.”

[Shocked, amazed that the system is working in my favor for once.]

[All six payments made on time.  The six month breather really helped.  I call them before the March payment to resume the normal payment.]

“Okay Mr. Morgan, we’ll look at the system here.  You may qualify for further assistance.  May I ask your Age, Sex and Race?”

[Information given]

“I’m sorry, you are ineligible for any further programs and the full amount is now past due.”

[Questions asked, concerns raised, clarification requested]

“Yes sir, the outstanding balance of what you were not paying during the six months is now due in full.  Will you be paying that online today?”

[Please explain this to me as if I were six years old...]

“Imagine you bought a toy from me and you were paying me $10 a month and suddenly I offered to let you pay $5 a month for half a year.  Now the half a year is up and in addition to this month’s regular $10 payment, I want the other $30 you thought was going to get tacked on to the end and I want it right now.”

[Yet more questions asked, amazement expressed, no recommendations given.  Dumbstruck.]

“Will you be making that payment right now?”

I don’t get it.  Were they just teasing me?  We’re they trying to postpone what they thought was inevitable?  We were making our house payments before we bought groceries!  They throw us a rope and tell us we can relax for a few months to catch our breath but then they expect all that money to magically appear as if we had been paying it all along?  What was the point of this whole thing then?  If I was supposed to pay them the $5 but put the other $5 aside every month so I’d have the $30 at the end of the six months, how was this supposed to help us in any way whatsoever?  If they thought we were having trouble coming up with the $10 every month, how the hell do they imagine we’d come up with $30?  If We had $30, we’d have no problem paying the $10!

So I tell the guy that no, we will not be making the payment in full.  In fact, we’re not even paying this months payment because I’ll need it as a security deposit on an apartment if they’re taking the house!  Teresa steps in and tells me to calm down.  She makes the payment and we’re done with the guy on the phone.  Turns out this was a third party that works for the bank and can’t do shit other than tell me I’m out of luck because I’m a 30-something white man and then try to scare me into paying more than I can afford.  Monday the bank will call and we’ll talk to them.  We’ll go back to paying the regular $10 and the $30 outstanding balance will be dealt with and we’ll be just fine.

And if not…  Well I was really burning up with the “what if not’s” going through my head but in the end I came out feeling fine.  Teresa had it right all along.  Calm down, relax.  We’ll deal with it best we can and if that’s not good enough, we’ll do something else.  She’s under a lot of stress and ready to explode with everything else going on in our lives but for this one moment, she was the one with the cool head.  I like her…

But as calm as I’m trying to be, I STILL don’t understand how the hell this whole thing was anything but an exercise in trying to get us INTO trouble instead of out of trouble.  I just don’t get the point of delaying a payment if it’s not going to get moved to the end of the loan.  If it’s sitting there waiting to get paid, why not just fucking pay it in full the whole time?  Why cut it in half and tell me the other half can wait for a little while?

I guess I should just be happy the guy on the phone didn’t tell me the vig was running and that he’s worried some unforeseen tragedy might befall me and my as yet unbroken legs…

“Blazing Saddles” is at the top of both lists.

Run! Run! Escape! Gotta get away, gotta get out of here!

Can’t handle anymore, can’t take anymore!

Going to explode!!

HELP!!

Okay, so a little dramatic I guess but.. Geesh! Can someone give me a freaking break here? My schedule is getting a little out of control with the end of the school year looming. But, that’s a good thing; that means I’m almost done! Can I make it? I don’t know.

This past weekend Becca asked me what’s wrong and all I could say was, “I’m tired, just tired.” I told her I didn’t think I could make it until June. Everything was getting to me and I was going to explode if things didn’t ease. Becca’s response? “Mom, I don’t think you’re going to make it until tomorrow.” I just wanted to cry. We were heading to another cookie booth, after I got phone calls all morning and emails all morning about issues I needed to solve. It was a freaking weekend and I didn’t have 10 seconds to stand in a corner and hide my head UGH! At least this is the last week of cookie sales.. that will cut down on a lot of the stress.

The day care is going well. I’m having some issues but if I start typing about that… I’ll never stop typing.. I’m sure I’ll work them out soon -if I can just get a back bone. I love my little monsters, they are just awesome.

Becca is doing great in school. We’ve got a couple of classes to keep an eye on this semester but, otherwise, we’re drama free on the school front.

Home? Well, it’s an absolute disaster area, I’m thinking I’ll need to call HAZMAT soon. Spring cleaning? HA! I need to combine Fall and Winter with my Spring – I never got around to doing those cleanings.

Girl Scouts – well lets see. I had my Team meeting on Monday and as usual out of the 12 people on the team, only 3 of us showed. I miss one meeting and get a written slap via email (through out the entire SUM) they miss meetings and it’s just a big sigh and “what can you do?” UGH. They tried to quilt me into staying on as Coach – we have no one in our cluster that is experienced enough to take my spot. Sorry guys, can’t do it. THEN they had the nerve to ask me if I’d be willing to help CO-chair recruitment next year – what’s the job? Calling the schools, scheduling a spot at Open House, calling the leaders and setting them up as recruiters. UH, HELL NO! I just smiled and shook my head no. I’m NOT doing that.. AND they’ll be really shocked when they find out I won’t be one of the leaders that signs up for a booth. I’m so over it. After my Daisy meeting Tuesday and my Cadette meeting last night, I’m even SERIOUSLY thinking of quitting it all. The parents in my daisy’s and the girls & parents in my Cadette – NO RESPECT for me or my co-leader and I’m SO freaking over it.

I’m hosting a Daisy sleep over this weekend. Ten little girls will come over Friday until Saturday afternoon, 3 of my Cadettes have planned out activities to entertain the girls. It should be a blast. EXCEPT, we’ve got a dark cloud over the event because Tuesday night I found out one of the mom’s had the nerve to talk with my co-leader about her “concern” over my husband being in a house full of little girls. WHAT?? She told my co-leader she didn’t feel comfortable leaving her daughter in a house with a…. MAN!  She’s never even met Chris. I don’t even think she’s even SEEN HIM!! I’m waiting for her to confront me.. I’m going to blast her.. but my response to my co-leader when she told me this??? I looked her straight in the eye and said… “Don’t worry.. he was acquitted on all charges.” She about peed herself cracking up. See? I’ve still got it – sometimes! The nerve of this woman. If she has issues, she needs to bring it up to me, NOT talk to other people about me and my family. And the weird thing is, this woman is married. Why would she say such a thing? Unless, her husband is a creeper so she thinks they all are??? I’m thoroughly offended. It was kinda cool that one of my favorite Cadettes overheard the conversation and was just as offended. She defended Chris…it made my heart melt. SO SWEET! She’s my alter ego and has NO PROBLEM telling these women off.

The Cadette troop – GRRR I’m so fed up with their lack of responsibility and disrespect. My cookie mom has already said she wasn’t returning next year and honestly, I told her I wasn’t either. The girls are crazy this year and their parents UGH, Just want to line them up and smack them. What do they think Michelle and I do all day? Sit around eating bon bons? NO! We work our butts off organizing events, activities and trips. All we ask is paperwork be turned in on time, homework be completed on time and meetings run smooth. HA! Michelle went ballistic last night when ½ the girls forgot their work AGAIN. She screamed and told them to call their moms to come and pick them up. We were done… of course, they didn’t.. Hell, the mom’s wouldn’t have come anyway.. But we did cancel next weeks meeting. Michelle and I need a break. We’re tired of planning stuff that can’t be done because the girls won’t do their freaking work.

Chris and I have been fighting over the littlest things. The reason I say this is.. well.. I have to explain my absolute loss of umm reality? Reasoning?

I have one job I do faithfully for Chris’s parents. I watch Kitty when they go on their cruises. It’s MY job. Kitty is a major pain in the ass – you have to watch her like a child. She gets out of the yard, gets into the garbage, digs like crazy and loves to lie on the furniture. Plus, she barks so freaking loud. She drives me nuts but…it’s my job and I don’t complain. This year was going to be a little challenge because I have the day care now and the dogs aren’t allowed in the house. My dogs usually sit on the back patio most of the day or hang in the back yard. They don’t try to escape and I can trust they won’t dig to China. The plan was for Kitty to do the same – unless she tried to escape from the porch by ripping out my screen. Chris, thinking he was… HELPING.. told his father not to forget the cage. Kitty would be caged during my business hours and of course at night. UGH! He was trying to help but… in my crazy opinion didn’t. Not wanting Kitty to be caged an entire week, his parents made arrangements for Tammy to watch Kitty during their next cruise. Instead of feeling relieved… I just wanted to cry.. See? I’m crazy right? That was MY JOB.. not TAMMY’s… MINE… and Chris took it away from me. I told him I didn’t know if I wanted to hug him or smack him; which of course caused us to get into ANOTHER fight. I was joking right? Was I?? WHY? Because I’ve totally lost my mind. I understand but darn it… that was my job! The men in white coats really need to get here soon.. next we’ll be fighting over.. how I fold the towels.. Oh wait.. they haven’t been done in MONTHS!! UGH…

We’ve decided to take a long weekend over Easter to get away.  (If I can make it that long) Becca says she’s hiding my phone so I can’t take it with me. If anyone needs us, they can go through her.. I need to get away from Girl Scouts, Day Care and life… just for a few days… We have no money, may lose the house..but..it’s better than losing my mind..well, what’s left of it!

I’ve been cruising around the local musician websites and forums lately looking for an opportunity to play with someone else.  I’m not looking to be in a full-time band, I’m just looking for a couple of people that want to play music on a semi-regular basis.  Playing my drums to my headphones just has no love in it.  I want to play live music again.
I have no illusions about myself.  There are has-beens and there are never-was’.  I’m neither, I’m a never-tried.  But I still like to play and if I may say so myself, I’m still decent enough to put on a good show.  But the local on-line scene seems to be full of people looking for instant stardom or nasty people looking to start flame wars and piss on others dreams.  So I’m still looking but I’m kind of giving up hope.

I’ve also been looking at a lot of pictures and reading comments on Facebook groups dedicated to the “good old days” when we were just out of high school and I spent more time out at Jax Beach than I did at home.  Everyone was in a band or between bands or helping their friend’s band.  Poor Teresa, she spent many a weekend on Peeler’s deck and at John’s Garage just because she wanted to be with me and I wanted to be around the music scene…  So a lot of those old memories are coming back to me now.

And then last night I had a dream.

We stopped in to a small convenience store to buy some drinks.  I had Becca with me and in the dream she was still about six or seven years old.  She picked out her soda bottle and I let her carry it to the register.  She could barely see over the counter top.  About that time I heard music coming from the back room of the convenience store.  The door opened and I saw a recording studio in the back.  I was about to ask the cashier about it when the front door jingled and in walked a dozen rock-n-roll idols from my childhood.  They were older but still recognizable.  As they walked past us they were rough and loud, sometimes brushing me and Becca hard up against the counter.  I was getting angry and one of them recognized me as if I used to be one of them.  They asked what I was doing now and all of them turned and laughed at me.  They pointed at Becca and yelled, “Ha!  Look what you’ve become.  A fat, corporate, family man!”  I told them that I was happy with who I was and they laughed louder.
I paid for the drinks and we walked out of the store hearing the laughter fade as we closed the doors.  Becca asked, “Who were they Daddy?”  I said, “Ghosts baby.  Just ghosts.”  I locked the door from the outside and put a railroad tie across the doors (these things just make sense in dreams).  Then I leaned down and produced a box of old fashioned stick matches.  I pulled one out and taught Becca how to light it.  She got it lit on the third try and we brought it over to the locked doors.  The whole interior of the store instantly went up in flames.
Becca and I sat down on the curb with our backs to the door.  We smiled and drank our soda pop through bendy straws while everyone inside screamed and banged on the doors trying to get out.

Two thoughts went through my mind;
1:  I love my family and I wouldn’t trade a minute with them for any amount of stardom.
2:  This image would make a great album cover.

If you were famous, how much interaction would you want with your fans?

I’ve met a few famous people and I always downplay it so I don’t bother the person.  Sometimes I won’t even go over to the person (which is not technically meeting them then is it?) At a meet/greet I’m there shaking hands, whatever.  But if no one else is bothering them, I’ll just nod and smile.  Acknowledging that I recognize them and that I appreciate their work.  If I do actually “meet” them, I keep it calm and brief.  If it’s a lesser known celebrity and they don’t appear busy, I might talk for a few seconds but then I get out of there.  These people have lives too.  Many of them have things to do.  And honestly, what are the odds you say something they don’t always hear?  It has to suck being uber-famous.

I mean really, which of these scenarios is more reasonable behavior?

• “Holy shit!  It’s Ron Jeremy!”  [runs over to him, panting and gasping]  “Golly Mr. Jeremy I sure do love your work.  The first porno I remember seeing is an old VHS copy of ‘The Devil in Miss Jones 3′ that my friends all passed around.  You sure looked terrific in that movie Mr. Jeremy, all dressed up in that diaper and baby doll bib.  Will you autograph my cast?”

• A simple “Mr. Jeremy” and a nod/wink in his direction as he walks on by.

The second choice says all the above without causing a scene.  BUT, what if you are the celebrity and suddenly no one mobbed you when you went down to the local Starbucks?  Would you feel unappreciated?  Would you feel like your time is over, your star is sinking and maybe it’s time to retire?  I don’t know.  I just gotta think we should leave these people alone man.  Let them live their lives.

And really, that baby doll scene in TDIMJ3 is fucking disturbing…

I haven’t watched the award ceremony in years and even then only minutes at a time.  I couldn’t give a flying rat turd which movie wins which award.  I don’t care who wins best actors and I’m amazed that people are still interested in who wins for things like editing and costumes.  If there was a period piece that year, it wins for best costume, big surprise…  Why should I give a shit?  Oh sure, if I were in the costume making business I’d care but most of us are not in the movie industry.  It’s the same thing as watching the credits after a movie.  Do you care who the key grip was?  Do you know what a key grip does?  I’m sure his mother cares a great deal.  She’s the one who watches the credits more attentivly than the actual feature and cries, “That’s my boy!” but the rest of us don’t fucking care.

As for the main categories, I still don’t care.  Here it is, the day after the big show and I still have no idea who won what.  Don’t care.  If it wins an award it won’t make the movie any better.  But you know what it will do?  It can take a crappy/mediocre movie and if they have enough friends among the reviewing judges and they give it an award, that crappy movie will be instantly transformed to a prestigious “film”. Of course it could work the other way around as well.  There are some good movies out there that are overlooked throughout the year and they could get a second glance if they win an award.  But that almost never happens!  Schlock wins out over art.

It’s predictable.  Here you go.  I swear to you that I have not looked up who won but I’ll bet this is how it went down:  Some “important and serious” movie wins overall, Avatar wins for the “pretty” and the actor awards will be from emotional response movies.  Same shit every year.  I only specified Avatar because it’s a no-brainer this year.  Avatar was as bland as 3-day old dishwater but it was very, VERY pretty…  The rest; documentary, shorts, foreign…  I can’t even be bothered to waste a thought about them.  I just don’t fucking care.

Oh and the fucking pageantry of the red carpet.  Fuck these people.  I wish someone had the guts to show up in jeans and a t-shirt and tell the cameras they’re not here to impress anybody…  Actually that might be a bad and classless move, it is a formal affair…  But who are these people that care who made the dress?  Is it pretty, did you like it?  Why isn’t that good enough?  Okay, forget the jeans/T-shirt move, I want to see an A-list actress show up in the perfect dress and when they go on and on about it, tell the cameras she found it in a Goodwill bin for $7.  Or if they hate the dress tell them her grandmother (who was one of the costumers on Gone With the Wind) fought her debilitating arthritis and hand-sewed it over three years, finishing just a week before she died of a horribly painful disease, sob into the camera for a three count and just as the person who didn’t like the dress is feeling guilty, look up, smile and walk away.  I’d also like to see one of the other actresses break a heel and tumble down the carpet, knocking down a few other actors.  Maybe give someone a big fat black eye and a torn shirt just in time for the acceptance speech.  As you can tell, I’m not much for the “who’s who” gig…

I haven’t watched it in years.  I didn’t watch it last night.  I’ll probably never watch it in the future.  Yet, I love talking about movies.  I’m just fucked in the head…

Be careful what you wish for, you might get it right?  I was selfish and jumped at the chance to come home and be with my family.  BUT, we were not financially prepared for just HOW much less I would make.  I still make a very decent salary (obscene money considering how often I’m home before 3pm) but the money and perks on the road were just THAT much greater.

With all the financial burdens and the fact that we had moved out to the middle of nowhere, we had effectively exiled ourselves.  We were so broke that even paying for the gasoline to travel across the bridge to simply “hang out” was too expensive.  It was a crushing year.  All we heard, all year long, was “wait until January.”  What a shitty mantra.  If we could make it through to January, we’d be okay.  January turned to February and now we’re into March.  But there is a light.

We’re the dumbasses that use our tax return as a forced savings account.  We KNOW that if we have it all year long, we’ll spend it all year long, probably on crap like McDonald’s…  But we overpay all year and when tax time comes, we get a small pile back.  Not the best financial exercise but the most practical one for us.

And that pile has arrived.  We splurged a bit.  We went out to dinner once and we bought some shelving units for the garage.  But this is our last chance.  If we screw up now, we’ll sink.  We’ll take the money, pay off the remaining bills, roll those payments back into the other bills and by this time next year, be free and clear of the debt that is hanging us up by our toes.  We’ll still have the house payment and utilities and such, but all the biting little loans and credit cards will be gone.  If we go out and buy that nice television I’ve been planning on mounting in the living room for the last two years, we won’t get those bills paid off and we’ll be back in the same boat, waiting on January again.

Teresa is making the attempt to thin out her responsibilities (although I think she’s getting talked back into a few of them dammit!!!) and by June, we should be back to normal (whatever “normal” is).  We’ll be free to go where we want and we’ll be able to afford to go.  Trying to fly at the speed of light between all these events and obligations is kind of like trying to successfully navigate an asteroid field (odds 3720:1) but its a lot more fun when those events and obligations are things we actually WANT to do.

I think that even though we can’t get that TV, we might be able to (through sheer necessity and emotional exhaustion) take a small break.  Maybe go for a trip, a long weekend somewhere.  Put our toes in the sand and put a drink in our hand…  An overnight trip somewhere may not sound like much to the rest of you but a full weekend away from the house, away from scouts, away from work and school…  It’s about the best we can hope for right now and honestly, it sounds like paradise.  So enjoy your week-long vacations, your regular getaways, your big televisions and your new toys, we’re just hoping for 48hours of peace before we have to climb back into the machine and push on for another year.  Maybe next year we’ll get back to going on real vacations.  For now, if we get those 48hours, we’ll be happy.

I woke up from some wonderful dreams this morning.  They were filled with lots of hugs and some kissing (and that’s ALL!!!!)  But as with most dreams, we were interrupted and never found a way back to them.

I really miss some of you out there…

June 13th is my last official day as Coach to 5 Girl Scout Troops. June 13th was supposed to be my last official day as Daisy leader but every time I begin my resignation letter and plan to notify my daisy mom’s, Becca stops me with the plea that she doesn’t want to lose her daisy troop. Honestly, she’s been running the darn thing since November. I plan the meetings and then deal with the parents, Becca handles the girls and the activities. But it’s just too much. I can’t take it any longer. I turned in my resignation for Secretary, but they’ve asked me to hold off on that one.. they think I’ll change my mind before September rolls around.. we’ll see.. it’s not much to do, so we’ll see. The Cadette troop? Still debating on that.. the girls want me to stay but… I don’t know if I have another 4 years left in me for them. I’m burned out and ready for a padded cell.

Cookie sales are underway and chaos as usual surrounds us. Parents are calling me asking me questions when I’m not in charge of cookie sales. Parents refuse to call the cookie mom because they KNOW I’ll answer the phone and answer their questions. Tonight was our first booth and due to an issue with one parent – FOUR cookie booths are being disrupted and screwed up. GRRRR! Just burns me up. Thought I’d have a quiet night at home trying to get laundry done before I headed out to check on 4 booths tomorrow. NOPE!

My daisy parents are driving me crazy. I’ve discreetly informed a few I’d be resigning and they’ve all done the standard, “you can’t leave, you’re amazing” routine. Blah blah blah, I know I’m replaceable… just find someone. No one wants the responsibility but they all have no problem offering me suggestions on how to run the meetings, plan the meetings and which patches they want. I’ve blown up a few times and they’ve all been shocked I’d be so upset at their “assistance”. Hell, if they want to offer assistance – take over the damn troop! One mom is purchasing patches weekly – and we’ve not even done the projects! It’s crazy. But, of course, she wants me to research and plan the activities for those patches she purchased. GRRR!

Morgan house is in absolute chaos. The house is a mess, the laundry is piling up and the anger and frustration is mounting. Fighting daily, going to bed angry or sad.. it’s pitiful. No way to get around it. Patience is lost, compassion is gone…no time for ourselves so how can we have time for each other? If we make it to June it will be a freaking miracle. Hell, I say we… It’s me. I have no time, patience, or energy for my family. I’ve let myself go.. not taking my meds, not eating anything healthy..hell half the time not even bothering to brush my hair I’m so darn busy… I’m letting my business (and Girl Scouting) interfere with family time. My hours are 7-5:30 but for the past 4 months I’ve been working 6 until 6 and one parent just asked last night if I’d work until 6:30pm. Can’t do it  (not because of family) but…because 3 nights (sometimes 4) a week I have to be in Arlington at 6:15 for girl scouting. Dinner has been McDonalds all week because with 5 kids and then Girl Scouts, I don’t have time to cook dinner – heck tonight I used the crock pot and almost didn’t get it done on time..I love my job, I love the kids but I’m screwing up by being too nice. A lot will change in June, a lot of stress will disappear but will we make it until then? Only time will tell I guess.

And.. will we have any friends by then? I just realized tonight that we’ve been out of the loop for over a year. WOW.. didn’t realize it until tonight. Haven’t hung out with friends, haven’t attended parties, haven’t gone to dinner..we’ve been so crazy out of the loop.. Will we have friends in June? Will they forgive us for neglecting them?? My schedule is packed until May. Every weekend is crammed full of event after event – EVEN SUNDAYS! How did I let that happen? And as good as I am with keeping records.. how do I double book myself? I’ve done it twice in the past few weeks. If anyone knows how to clone… I’m in the market for a second me!

Feeling better after a vent.. Now if only I had a room full of friends and a bottle of tequila….