Just because you can does not always mean you should.
Well we made it through the year. Early last year (2009) Teresa and I set our goals on bringing me home by 2010. We would save up the money, get the finances ready because we knew I’d have to take an enormous paycut to do that. They pay us well for living on the road… And suddenly, as if by magick, divine intervention, dumb luck or manifestation of will, the job fell in my lap and I came home; A FULL YEAR EARLIER than expected.
Be careful what you wish for, you might get it right? I was selfish and jumped at the chance to come home and be with my family. BUT, we were not financially prepared for just HOW much less I would make. I still make a very decent salary (obscene money considering how often I’m home before 3pm) but the money and perks on the road were just THAT much greater.
With all the financial burdens and the fact that we had moved out to the middle of nowhere, we had effectively exiled ourselves. We were so broke that even paying for the gasoline to travel across the bridge to simply “hang out” was too expensive. It was a crushing year. All we heard, all year long, was “wait until January.” What a shitty mantra. If we could make it through to January, we’d be okay. January turned to February and now we’re into March. But there is a light.
We’re the dumbasses that use our tax return as a forced savings account. We KNOW that if we have it all year long, we’ll spend it all year long, probably on crap like McDonald’s… But we overpay all year and when tax time comes, we get a small pile back. Not the best financial exercise but the most practical one for us.
And that pile has arrived. We splurged a bit. We went out to dinner once and we bought some shelving units for the garage. But this is our last chance. If we screw up now, we’ll sink. We’ll take the money, pay off the remaining bills, roll those payments back into the other bills and by this time next year, be free and clear of the debt that is hanging us up by our toes. We’ll still have the house payment and utilities and such, but all the biting little loans and credit cards will be gone. If we go out and buy that nice television I’ve been planning on mounting in the living room for the last two years, we won’t get those bills paid off and we’ll be back in the same boat, waiting on January again.
Teresa is making the attempt to thin out her responsibilities (although I think she’s getting talked back into a few of them dammit!!!) and by June, we should be back to normal (whatever “normal” is). We’ll be free to go where we want and we’ll be able to afford to go. Trying to fly at the speed of light between all these events and obligations is kind of like trying to successfully navigate an asteroid field (odds 3720:1) but its a lot more fun when those events and obligations are things we actually WANT to do.
I think that even though we can’t get that TV, we might be able to (through sheer necessity and emotional exhaustion) take a small break. Maybe go for a trip, a long weekend somewhere. Put our toes in the sand and put a drink in our hand… An overnight trip somewhere may not sound like much to the rest of you but a full weekend away from the house, away from scouts, away from work and school… It’s about the best we can hope for right now and honestly, it sounds like paradise. So enjoy your week-long vacations, your regular getaways, your big televisions and your new toys, we’re just hoping for 48hours of peace before we have to climb back into the machine and push on for another year. Maybe next year we’ll get back to going on real vacations. For now, if we get those 48hours, we’ll be happy.
We interrupt this season of darkness and despair to bring you a special report:
I woke up from some wonderful dreams this morning. They were filled with lots of hugs and some kissing (and that’s ALL!!!!) But as with most dreams, we were interrupted and never found a way back to them.
I really miss some of you out there…
When will the chaos end? When will the pressure begin to ease? When will I be able to take a deep breath and relax?? Holy Cow! We’re just about out of February and I don’t even remember entering January! I’ve been on the run forever – if not in body, in mind! I’m seriously wondering when my heart will give out or when the top of my head will explode.
June 13th is my last official day as Coach to 5 Girl Scout Troops. June 13th was supposed to be my last official day as Daisy leader but every time I begin my resignation letter and plan to notify my daisy mom’s, Becca stops me with the plea that she doesn’t want to lose her daisy troop. Honestly, she’s been running the darn thing since November. I plan the meetings and then deal with the parents, Becca handles the girls and the activities. But it’s just too much. I can’t take it any longer. I turned in my resignation for Secretary, but they’ve asked me to hold off on that one.. they think I’ll change my mind before September rolls around.. we’ll see.. it’s not much to do, so we’ll see. The Cadette troop? Still debating on that.. the girls want me to stay but… I don’t know if I have another 4 years left in me for them. I’m burned out and ready for a padded cell.
Cookie sales are underway and chaos as usual surrounds us. Parents are calling me asking me questions when I’m not in charge of cookie sales. Parents refuse to call the cookie mom because they KNOW I’ll answer the phone and answer their questions. Tonight was our first booth and due to an issue with one parent – FOUR cookie booths are being disrupted and screwed up. GRRRR! Just burns me up. Thought I’d have a quiet night at home trying to get laundry done before I headed out to check on 4 booths tomorrow. NOPE!
My daisy parents are driving me crazy. I’ve discreetly informed a few I’d be resigning and they’ve all done the standard, “you can’t leave, you’re amazing” routine. Blah blah blah, I know I’m replaceable… just find someone. No one wants the responsibility but they all have no problem offering me suggestions on how to run the meetings, plan the meetings and which patches they want. I’ve blown up a few times and they’ve all been shocked I’d be so upset at their “assistance”. Hell, if they want to offer assistance – take over the damn troop! One mom is purchasing patches weekly – and we’ve not even done the projects! It’s crazy. But, of course, she wants me to research and plan the activities for those patches she purchased. GRRR!
Morgan house is in absolute chaos. The house is a mess, the laundry is piling up and the anger and frustration is mounting. Fighting daily, going to bed angry or sad.. it’s pitiful. No way to get around it. Patience is lost, compassion is gone…no time for ourselves so how can we have time for each other? If we make it to June it will be a freaking miracle. Hell, I say we… It’s me. I have no time, patience, or energy for my family. I’ve let myself go.. not taking my meds, not eating anything healthy..hell half the time not even bothering to brush my hair I’m so darn busy… I’m letting my business (and Girl Scouting) interfere with family time. My hours are 7-5:30 but for the past 4 months I’ve been working 6 until 6 and one parent just asked last night if I’d work until 6:30pm. Can’t do it (not because of family) but…because 3 nights (sometimes 4) a week I have to be in Arlington at 6:15 for girl scouting. Dinner has been McDonalds all week because with 5 kids and then Girl Scouts, I don’t have time to cook dinner – heck tonight I used the crock pot and almost didn’t get it done on time..I love my job, I love the kids but I’m screwing up by being too nice. A lot will change in June, a lot of stress will disappear but will we make it until then? Only time will tell I guess.
And.. will we have any friends by then? I just realized tonight that we’ve been out of the loop for over a year. WOW.. didn’t realize it until tonight. Haven’t hung out with friends, haven’t attended parties, haven’t gone to dinner..we’ve been so crazy out of the loop.. Will we have friends in June? Will they forgive us for neglecting them?? My schedule is packed until May. Every weekend is crammed full of event after event – EVEN SUNDAYS! How did I let that happen? And as good as I am with keeping records.. how do I double book myself? I’ve done it twice in the past few weeks. If anyone knows how to clone… I’m in the market for a second me!
Feeling better after a vent.. Now if only I had a room full of friends and a bottle of tequila….